Marriage brings a whole lot of changes to a woman’s life that can be difficult to adjust to. Henna Achhpal and Shalvi Mangaokar show you how you can deal with these changes without losing yourself in the bargain...
After a woman says ‘I do’, often her to-do list begins,” says Shweta Kansara, psychologist and marriage counsellor. Marriage has always been a bigger deal for a woman than it has been for a man — from changing last names to leaving your parent’s home and living with your husband and his family. Even though times are changing, women are becoming independent and in-laws more tolerant, adjusting to life post-marriage has always been a challenge. Read on to find out how you can cope with the changes.
NEW LIFE
Marriage is considered the start of a new phase in a woman’s life. Not only does her name and home change but so does her family. Shweta says, “Post marriage a woman has mixed feelings. She may feel happy to be with the man she loves but she may also feel sad to be away from her own family, there may be feelings of fear and apprehension about the new family and how she will cope.”
A LEARNING EXPERIENCE
Lokhandwala resident, Arpi Shah Adalja (27) who has been married for almost a year tells us that a supportive husband makes adjusting a lot easier. She says, “Even though I knew I would have to leave my home and start life afresh, I knew that my husband would be there with me throughout. Since we had spent enough time together before we got married, adjusting to a new environment was comparatively easier. I’ve learnt a lot since I got married and the changes have made it a wonderful journey so far.”
ROLES AND EXPECTATIONS
Once you’re married, a number of new relationships are formed and with them come expectations and responsibilities. Shweta says, “A woman is expected to take on the roles of a wife, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law, etc.” It’s an inherent quality in women to try and be their best at each role. “Sometimes the pressure of trying to adjust to a new life could get too much leading to an emotional breakdown,” adds Shweta.
ONE STEP AT A TIME
Getting through this whirlwind of changes can be challenging but it’s best to take everything step by step.
Shweta suggests, “The best way to adjust post marriage is for the woman to continue being herself and try to live a similar lifestyle as the one she lived before marriage. For instance, she can continue working and socialise in the same way. This minimises the changes that she will have to cope with and makes it easier to deal with her ‘new’ life.”
MY BEST FRIEND
For Sonika Bhasin (31), a resident of Oshiwara who has been married for a year and six months, the hardest part about marriage was referring to her in-laws as mum and dad. She says, “Apart from that, I didn’t feel any change at all and that’s because my husband is my friend first. Whatever changes came about were for the better like living with someone you are comfortable with and sharing a space. The best thing about getting married is coming home to each other and knowing he will be there through everything.”
She goes on to add, “Both of us moved out of our respective houses and set up a home for ourselves so I was not the only one living without my family.”
DEFINE BOUNDARIES
Each family has their own lifestyle and most probably the way of life in your husband’s home may be different from what you have experienced with your parents. Shweta explains, “When new roles are defined, it’s important that a woman be compassionate but assertive. This way you allow people around you to learn how you should be treated. If the husband is supportive, most complications are taken care of easily.”
Though you cannot change everything, you do not need to submit either. You can find a common ground with your husband and his family on what is acceptable and what is not. Learning to say ‘no’ for certain unacceptable things will give you a proper standing and position in your new family. And most importantly, don’t let anyone, not even your husband take you for granted.
LIVE-IN BEFORE MARRIAGE
Suman Nayak (30)(name changed) a Bandra resident shares, “My husband and I were in a live-in relationship for almost a year before we decided to get married. We come from two completely separate parts of India so, it meant more adjusting with respect to how things need to be done in and around the house, especially the kitchen! So adjusting to each other’s lifestyle had already begun, thus post-marriage wasn’t a sudden change. Living separate from the in-laws makes daily life easier however, it takes that much longer to feel connected to them. Though they’ve always been cordial with me, after three years of marriage it’s only now that I can confidently say that they’ve whole-heartedly accepted me.”
BE YOURSELF
Juhu resident, Nyssa S. (26) (name changed) who has been married for about seven months shares, “Although the feeling of being married, living with a new family and sharing your space with someone you love are overwhelming feelings, what I started missing out on was my time with myself. Sometimes I miss having my parents around to stand up for me when I lose my patience but fortunately, my in-laws have absolutely no added expectations from me and they pamper me enough to make up for my parent’s absence.”
She goes on to add, “Don’t try to change yourself. His father will treat you like his daughter if you are what you are with your own father and his mother can be your best friend if you learn how to be her best friend.” She concludes, “Life shouldn’t change after marriage but should be an addition to your already beautiful life.”
Here is your checklist of what you need to do when you move in together
Avoid nagging: Constant nagging can be harmful to the romance in your marriage. Nagging will lead your husband to avoid you and it will make him feel a lot less appreciated.
Be yourself: Never try to change yourself or him. Your spouse fell in love with you because you were not the changed person you are trying to be. Keep your individuality. Don't let marriage make you too dependent on your partner. Sometimes it’s good to give each other some space and do things on your own. Give yourselves a chance to miss each other.
No place for insecurity: Trust is the most essential ingredient in a marriage. You may observe his closeness with others in the family but you must understand that he balanced his relationships even before marriage.
Plan a weekend getaway: Office tensions, household work and other demands of daily life do not leave enough time for couples. Pack your bags and take a weekend away from the hustle and bustle of the city to get the romance back.
Communication is key: Communication is very important in any relationship and makes understanding easier. If something is troubling you, talk it out and share your needs and desires. Stay connected: Often after marriage, couples begin to talk more about house related issues and eventually that’s all they talk about. It’s important to stay connected. Talk more about you make each other feel, talk about you passions and the things both of you love to do.
Surprises: Everybody loves surprises and nothing works better in a marriage than keeping something to look forward to. Make each other feel special in innovative ways and the spark between the two of you will never die out.
Take it one step at a time
“The best way to avoid difficulty in adjusting post marriage is for the woman to continue being herself and try to live a similar lifestyle as she did before getting married.”
— Sweta Kansara, Psychologist
Voices: what the ladies have to say
Easy to adjust
“Even though I knew I would have to leave my home and start life afresh, I knew my husband would be there with me throughout. Since we had spent enough time together before we got married, adjusting to a new environment was comparatively easier.”
— Arpi Shah Adalja
Living in
“My husband and I were in a live-in relationship for almost a year before we decided to get married. We come from two completely separate parts of India so, it meant more adjusting with respect to how things need to be done in and around the house, especially the kitchen! So adjusting to each other’s lifestyle had already begun, thus post-marriage wasn’t a sudden change. Living separate from the in-laws makes daily life easier however, it takes that much longer to feel connected to them. Though they’ve always been cordial with me, after three years of marriage it’s only now that I can confidently say that they’ve whole-heartedly accepted me.”
— Suman Nayak
Best friend forever
“Honestly, I didn’t feel any change at all and that’s because my husband is my friend first. Whatever changes came about were for the better, like living with someone you are comfortable with and sharing a space with them.”
— Sonika Bhasin
i miss ‘me’ time
“Although the feeling of being married, living with a new family and sharing your space with someone you love are overwhelming feelings, what I started missing out on was my time with myself. Even though sometimes I miss having my parents around to stand up for me when I lose my patience but fortunately, my in-laws have absolutely no added expectations from me and they pamper me enough to make up for my parent’s absence. Life shouldn’t change after marriage but should be an addition to your already beautiful life ”
— Nyssa S.