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Heart To Heart

Tuesday, July 09, 2019

Non-Consummation of Marriage
I am 21 years old married woman. I have been married for last eight months. Till now I have not allowed my husband (Age 26) to have an intercourse with me, as I am too scared about it. We do make love but not intercourse.  Is there anything that can make this easier for me?

What is happening with you is either due to “Vaginismus” or due to “Penetration Phobia”. Vaginismus is an involuntary spasm of the muscle controlling the entrance to the vagina during attempts of penetration that invariably causes pain and discomfort. Penetration phobia is usually a psychological phenomenon. Its cause is invariably a deep rooted psychological fear related to the genitals, mostly due to physical and/or psychological trauma in the earlier years of life or as a learned fear caused by hearing myths about painful penetration during the vulnerable and impressionable growing years. You may or may not be consciously aware of the root cause. Once the root cause is identified through psychoanalysis, the treatment progresses rapidly. No medication can help in this situation. A sex therapist trained in counselling and psychotherapy is better equipped to help you.

Wife not interested in Sex
I’m a 43yrs man and physically and sexually very active and. My wife is 44 years old and has been very active physically & sexually we both enjoy making love very much. But during the past 6 to 9 months she does not seem very interested in having sex. In spite of her having a couple of orgasm each time we make love. What I want to know that can I give her some kind of sex booster (like viagara for men) which is easily available in India without her knowing {If she comes to know that the drug is for arousing her she will not feel very happy about making love) I do not want to force her to make love to me and do not want to seek pleasure outside my marriage. We used to make love 2-3 times a week now it takes much longer time for me to arouse her after 15-20 minutes of foreplay but then she enjoys the lovemaking. Pls advise.

What is happening is the natural result of ageing. Your wife is nearing menopause, and her female hormones are declining. As a result, it is taking her longer to get aroused. She may be having inadequate lubrication too. You need to understand this as a normal and natural process and help her through it if you can. You say that she still enjoys lovemaking. So what’s the problem? You will need to continue the foreplay till she is aroused, so I would advise that you stop looking at the clock!! There is no sex booster like Viagra for women.

Having said that, the relationship between a husband and wife is much more than just sexual intercourse. Sharing intimacy and closeness through other meaningful ways could take your relationship to a completely different level. You are both life partners not only sexual partners, maybe it is time that both of you explore other dimensions of your married life.

Risky form of Contraception
I am married for the past 5 months. since we both are professionals we plan not to have any child for at least next 1.5 to 2 yrs, but we will welcome if it comes in as we love children. We had been taking all precautions till now (using condom), but at times would like to have without it. Can you suggest what is the safe time between periods where we can make love without precautions. I know it is not foolproof but never mind. Would like to know the days which is considered to be safe between the two periods which my wife has. She is having normal duration periods.

There is absolutely no safe period to have unprotected sex if you wish to avoid pregnancy. Attempting to estimate when a woman is least fertile is a risky form of contraception.

Ovulation happens around 14 days before the first day of the next expected date of MC. About five days before and after this day of ovulation, including the day of ovulation are the days when there is a possibility of pregnancy, making them ‘unsafe’. Rest all the days are supposed to be safe from the conception point of view.

Safe periods are not very safe, as they are calculated with the presumption that the MC periods are ‘regular’ (30 days). It is very common for periods to go irregular most unexpectedly due to various physiological as well as psychological causes. In that case the calculation of safe period can go wrong, making it ‘unsafe’.

Patience is a virtue
I am engaged and want my fiancé to be frank and friendly with me I wanted to talk to her and wanted to know what does she thinks about sex? Etc... But I am afraid to speak to her frankly that she would get me wrong. What should I do so that she can trust me and speak to without any fear. I want her to be frank and friendly with me that’s it.

Patience is a virtue, and in sexual matters you could reap rich dividends in the form of a satisfying sexual life, merely by being patient. You say you are engaged and I
presume that it is an arranged alliance. If so then it would take quite some time for the girl to ‘feel’ close to you as you are a stranger who has entered her life out of the blue. In a love marriage, closeness and intimacy develops before the engagement.  Therefore, give her as much time as she needs and focus on being a ‘good friend’ to her. If on the other hand you rush things, she could get put-off, and the relationship could start on a wrong footing. The sexuality of a woman is predominantly heart-centred. She needs to feel emotionally close to you before she shares any kind of intimacy with you. I would advise you to go slow as she maybe feeling shy and awkward. Instead, you could win her heart by befriending her, and gently romancing her. Gradually, as she starts knowing you and as she starts liking and loving who you are, she will ‘feel’ close and intimate towards you, and would probably send ‘feelers’ in the form of a touch, holding of hands or even verbally. This is the moment when her ‘heart is engaged’ to yours ~ and let me tell you it will be worth the wait. And when this happens, she will be more than willing to share intimacy with you.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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