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Heart To Heart

Tuesday, July 02, 2019

Self-destructive path
I am a 31-year-old married man. I have a very good wife and cute daughter. I have a good friend from last 3 years. I am emotionally attached to her and she also knows it.  She has never showed any sexual interest in me.  Lately I am feeling an urge to have sex with her but fear to express it to her. What do I do?

You have got yourself into quite a fix haven’t you?

There are 3 levels of functioning in a person ~ the level of ‘experience’ , the level of ‘awareness of the experience’ and the level of ‘decision’. If you are experiencing attraction and are aware of what you are experiencing it is okay uptil that point. But when you nurse and nurture this attraction and also want to translate your fantasies into reality, I must say that you are walking on a “self-destructive path”.

If you need to look outside your marriage for fulfillment of your emotional needs and now physical needs too, then it is a sure indicator that there is a problem in the marriage, however much you may deny it. There could be something that you need and are not getting either because you have not expressed it ,or else your wife is not willing to fulfill these needs. However at this point, I must specify that there is a difference between a ‘need’ and a ‘want’, which brings us to the other reason for looking outside your marriage, i.e.  if your legitimate and valid ‘needs’ are being fulfilled, but your ‘wants’ and ‘desires’ are not being fulfilled. If so then you need to explore why you are driven  to put your marriage at risk and perhaps even sacrifice the happiness of your family ( good wife and cute daughter ) at the altar of your desires. Very often such compulsive behavior has its roots in your past. For this your psycho-sexual history needs to be explored.

I would strongly recommend that you see a counsellor at your earliest, so that you can gain in clarity about yourself and the direction of your life. Do not make any decision without such clarity or else you may spend a lifetime regretting the choices that you have made.

Orgasm can lead to bladder spasms
I am one of those women who do not get orgasm while having sexual intercourse but can get it only by masturbation. I masturbate, but after I achieve orgasm, I get painful bladder spasms - sometimes even hours later. Is masturbating causing this?

No matter how it is achieved, orgasm can lead to bladder spasms in some women. Orgasm produces contractions in many muscles throughout the body – particularly the uterus, the vagina and the bladder. When any muscle contraction is stronger and stays longer, it is experienced as a spasm.

Another possibility is that by masturbating, you may also be inadvertently introducing bacteria into your urinary bladder, causing bladder infection. Maintain good hygiene. Wash your hands before you masturbate to decrease this risk. The same process can also occur during intercourse, which can "push" vaginal bacteria into the urethral opening.

It is also possible that you may have a condition called ‘interstitial cystitis’ i.e. an inflammation of the bladder wall. However, if you have interstitial cystitis, it is unlikely that pain with orgasm would be the only symptom. If you also have pelvic pain, urinary urgency or burning, you need to be evaluated for this condition.

Awareness of death
I am very depressed after my elder brother died few months ago. Every body is telling me that I will also die within five years. What to do?

The smart guys who are predicting your death seem to be the descendants of Nostradamus !! Maybe they could help me to make big money at the stock market !!
By the way, the reality of death puts life into perspective. Death in some way gives meaning to life. Perhaps it is only those (like you) who understand just how fragile life is who know how precious it is. Death opens our eyes to what we are doing with our lives. Death shakes you from your deep slumber, opens your eyes to reality, and thus is nothing but a wake-up call.

This means that man must become aware of his potentialities, his responsibilities, his values, his choices and also become able to act on their basis. How would we spend today if we knew that our life was going to end tomorrow? This reminds me of a song, "Where is the time to hate when there is so little time to love? "

Petty quarrels, long drawn out conflicts and resentments, ego clashes, suddenly they all seem so futile and a complete waste of the precious gift of life.

What is life really all about? To live, to love, to learn and to leave a legacy i.e. to leave the world a little more beautiful, a little more fragrant than you found it.

Awareness of death makes one go about quickly accomplishing the purpose for which one was put in this world. Every person must find out and clearly define to himself what his role in life is. And the most important aspect of this role is, to forgive and love one another, to help one another in times of need, to bask in the glory of life, being grateful for every breath and using it in an optimum manner, and furthermore, to connect to our higher selves and help others connect to their higher selves and fulfill their purpose in life. Death provokes us to live the best life possible today, and therefore death is truly a friend and not a foe. So let the reality of death provoke you to live your best life today. Get an ‘emotional closure’ in your relationships, ask and give forgiveness to all, move towards fulfilling your unique purpose in life, and if you do that there will be no regrets when the curtain falls.

If your perspective towards death still remains unchanged, do see a counsellor.

I am a 32 year old man deeply in love with a muslim girl. I am to marry her soon. Her family members have insisted that I should get myself ‘circumcised’ before marriage. I want to know how many days it will take to heal the wound of circumcision.

Circumcision is a small surgery. It takes only 20-30 minutes and is done under local anaesthesia. The patient is sent home on the same day after a couple of hours. One can have it done by any general surgeon in a hospital or a nursing home. The wound heals within seven to ten days, however sexual intercourse in not advised for about four to six weeks after the surgery.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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