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Heart To Heart

Tuesday, June 04, 2019

Premature Ejaculation
I am 23 years... whenever I see any porn movies or any exciting sexual scene, my penis ejaculates before getting even proper erection. Is this a kind of deficiency? I will be getting married by the end of this year.  

What is happening with you is not a physical problem, but a “learning disability”. It is one form of “premature ejaculation”. There are no medical causes for premature ejaculation. It is essentially of a psycho-behavioral origin.

Ejaculating early is invariably a learned reflex response that can be effectively reconditioned when a man actively pursues learning ejaculation control during masturbation. You need to increase your awareness of the sensations of arousal building so that you can identify the level of your arousal. Secondly, awareness of sensations of arousal and ejaculatory control can be learned by a following a step-by-step process using techniques such as stop-start technique. Besides techniques, certain ‘exercises for sphincter control’ and ‘use of condom’ may help in some cases.

Restraint in Sex
I am 22 and my fiancé is 27. We are planning to get married sometime next year. Recently he suggested that we live together until then, but we should refrain from any genital sex. He says that we could engage only in petting and caressing. I am a bit suspicious and concerned about this restraint by him. What I know of men and male sexuality is that men find it very difficult to exercise restraint in sex. Kindly explain.

If you love each other, if you are sexually attracted to each other, if you have the freedom and privacy to get physically intimate... then it may be very difficult to refrain from going ahead with intercourse. Physical intimacy may sexually arouse both of you to such an extent that it may become tormenting to avoid intercourse. I wonder what is stopping you from getting married earlier!

There may be a deeper cause in the mind of your fiancé for avoiding intercourse. It may be related to performance anxiety or a self-doubt related to penis size or erectile ability. It could also be related to fear of pregnancy or even religious beliefs. It will be better if both of you could openly discuss this matter personally or with the help of a good sex counsellor.

Relationship Brings Responsibilities
I met a girl last year in June when I joined my computer institute. Actually she is the younger sister of the counselor of that institute and at that time I had a little chat with her. And I really liked the confidence and her charming nature and I got attracted to her but could not tell her since our class timings were different and I didn’t have time to come during her timing. So thts why I somehow got her mail id and told her everything about what I feel about her...and she accepted my friendship and replied to all my mails...but now her course is complete and she no more comes to institute... Well rite now she is out of station and will come may be in December...and I want to know how to deal with her because her status is far better than mine and she is so confident and I really don’t know when she will come in front of me then how should I react...please doctor help me by telling that how should I react and what gift should I give to her when she will return.

I have no inkling of your age, but since you mention the computer institute, I presume that you are in the career-building phase of your life. You have also mentioned the difference in status. As far as having a friendship is concerned there seems to be no real problem as she has so far been responding positively to all your friendly overtures via email. However, if you are thinking of a more seriously involved long-term relationship then you need to focus on career-building very seriously.
Remember, every relationship brings responsibilities with it. Your difference in status is very real and though money does not buy happiness, it is definitely a necessity in the real world. Therefore, you can continue your friendship but start including your career plans in your conversations. Let her see that you are a responsible and mature person who understands the responsibilities of life. If she has a liking for you, then such meaningful and responsible conversations could warm her up to the possibility of a long-term relationship with you in spite of the current difference in status.

Delay Condoms
I am 33 year old man. I want to know whether ‘delay condoms’ available with the chemists are helpful in bettering your sexual performance?  Is there any side effect of using them?  

All ‘delay’ condoms are pre-lubricated with anesthetic jelly. Anesthetic jelly is expected to reduce the perception of sensations on the penis, thus helping people who experience early ejaculation to have a longer duration of intercourse. However, it does not work in a large number of cases.  

Desensitization achieved with the help of the chemicals can damage the delicate parts of the penis. There is also the danger that this synthetic anesthetic effect could lead to intercourse being more violent. Such sexual acts tend to get aggressive and thus can be harmful for the sensitive and delicate genital parts of both the partners. Some people also experience irritation and/or itching due to allergy or hypersensitivity to such jellies.

Wife Evades Sex
My wife does not want to have sex? What should I do to make it agreeable to her? It is affecting my marriage adversely. Pls advise.

It is important to understand why she needs to evade sex. Is it because she has been left unsatisfied or has had painful experiences of the sexual act with you? Is it because of fear of pregnancy? Is it because she disapproves of the kind of sexual behavior you demand? Is it because she considers the sexual act as sinful, dirty etc.? Is it because she has been a victim of sexual abuse? Is it because she has unresolved emotional issues with you and so cannot give in to intimacy without resolving them? Is she unwell? Is she overworked and too busy with the home and children? Is she involved with someone else? Does she have lesbian tendencies? All this needs to be explored with your wife. I suggest that both of you have a session with a good sex counsellor to reach to the bottom of the matter.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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