Managing misplaced guilt
I love a girl from my childhood. One day she proposed me through a letter. I thought a lot of all the things and at last I accepted her proposal. We dated a lot and even had physical relationship. We didn’t loose our virginity. Later one day she told me that she didn’t love me seriously. She is just 18 and I' am 24; moreover she is my relative. She told few reasons for that. She thought that she didn’t love me seriously, she is saying that she doesn't know why she does like that, and she wants to continue our relation as good friends. I felt very bad about that. But I slowly controlled my self. After some days she found me dull and sad, she felt very bad, and she came to me and asked me why you like that. At last she again told me that she loves me and she wants to marry me when we get settled.
One day I went to talk to her regarding this, and I asked her what her problem is. She told me that she wants to continue the affair just because of our physical relationship and she is unable to forget that we both have very good understanding between us. I told her “It is a foolishness to continue the affair. Our souls should be good not our body. We haven’t lost anything; we just came close because of sexual emotions. If our love is not true its useless to continue the affair”. I told her let us be good friends forever. You marry a person whom you really love or whom your parents like.
I’m sure I can be a good friend for her. And she too can be a good friend for me. And she agreed for that. I have doubt that she may come again to me and may ask me to marry… then I think I can't reject her. I liked her sincerity and goodness that she told me facts. She is very good but she may be little bit immature. Tell me what I did is right or wrong and suggest me if I am wrong.
You are absolutely right when you say that the relationship should be based on genuine love and care and not out of misplaced guilt feelings. A relationship can only work out in the long term if you are in it for the right reasons, and so both of you need to re-assess your feelings for each other. Do not enter into a commitment only out of a sense of obligation, duty, guilt or pity. As for her, she needs to see a counselor, to understand her motivations correctly and to clarify to herself why she is so fickle in such an important area of her life. If she is unable to emotionally connect with you (for the right reasons) in a satisfactory manner for both, then it is better to make a clean break now, or else you-all will end up unhappy and dissatisfied with each other. Also to clarify your feelings it would be good not to meet and communicate with each other for a period of a few months. This will help both of you to put your feelings about each other in perspective.
I wish I had …
I like a girl; she too likes me. But lot's of friends played in between; Lot's have been said against me. Now she is not talking to me. She is doing second year degree. Somebody is saying she is having another relationship. I want to bring her back and let her know the truth. Help me
You say that a lot has been said against you because of which she has distanced herself from you. This is a good opportunity for you to grow as a person. First, introspect and see whether what has been said about you has any truth to it. If there is even a grain of truth, then feel grateful for and use this opportunity to be a better person. And if after introspecting you find that there is no truth whatsoever in what has been said, then pat yourself on your back and live your life with confidence. In either case, speak to the girl after introspection and tell her the truth of the matter. Don’t hesitate. Simply go ahead and let your real feelings be known to her. This way you will never have to look back on your life and say to yourself, ‘I wish I had ....’! At the same time be emotionally prepared for either a Yes or a No. Do your best and then remember to leave the rest. If she is the one for you, she will understand and you-all can move on from there. If not, it is not the end of the road ~ there will be other travelers along the way, and anyway, this entire exercise will have left you a better and more mature person.
Prevention of sexual abuse
Sexual abuse of young girls is said to be very common. How do we educate our 7 years old and 11 years old children to avoid such a thing happening to them when they are away from us?
As a starting point, tell your children that no one has a right to touch them in a way that appears strange and unusual. Each one of us has a right to keep certain parts of our body ‘private’. Tell them that if anyone ever touches them in a way that feels strange and unusual, she should tell that person to stop it and then tell you about it, even if the person is a close relative, neighbor or even a teacher.
It is necessary to tell children that most people are good people who do not harm children; but there are also ‘sick’ and ‘selfish’ people who could harm them. Tell them that this applies to everyone they knows and not just strangers. Tell them to tell to you if any adult asks them to keep a “secret”.
If your child tells you she has been sexually abused, believe her immediately and completely. In most cases, kids do not lie about sexual abuse.
It is important to remember that the victims of these crimes are most of the time not responsible for what happened to them. They sometimes feel—and are sometimes made to feel—that it was their fault that they were abused. Make sure your kids know this fact. Tell them you will believe them and protect them if they tell you about the abuse and that you will never blame them or be angry with them for doing so.
Writing on the wall
I am in love with sister of my brother in law (jija). She is older than me and she considers her family members more important than me. I am sure she loves me too, but she doesn’t want to go against her parents wish. And her family members as well as my family members are against this relationship. I love her lot and I can't live without her... what should I do?
There are too many things working against this relationship, the deal-breaker being that she does not feel as intensely about this relationship as you do. If she cared enough to stand up to her parents then it would have been different. But she has made it clear to you that she will not go against her parent’s wishes. Read the writing on the wall. The message is quite clear. Get on with your life. The love of your life is probably somewhere out there.
Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.