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Heart To Heart

Monday, December 24, 2018

Sex drive at thirty
I read in a magazine that statistically it is found that a woman's sex drive is at its peak when she reaches 30. I can vouch for the fact that at 33 I think about sex more often and more intensely than I have ever in my entire lifetime. Is my sex drive about to go on the decline from now on?

The sex drive statistics come from Dr. Alfred Kinsey, the famous sexuality researcher who learned that women had more sexual outlets and more orgasms in their thirties than at any other time in their lives. This may be due to many reasons, including the fact that women in their thirties become more at ease and comfortable with their bodies and with their body responses. Their orgasms become more reliable. They often have more confidence, and are more comfortable with their sexuality. They have a good sense of their needs, and are willing to communicate their needs to their partner more clearly and completely. Since they are familiar with their body responses, they can describe what exactly they desire to their partner more openly and comfortably.

Each sexual being is unique and the period during which the sexual drive increases, peaks and decreases, varies. No one but you knows better about your body and its needs.

Enjoy your sexual energy and your wonderful thirties. Contrary to what others may think, it is nott all downhill from here. As we grow older, what we may lose in frequency, we gain in quality.

Morning sex
It is said that the morning is a better time to have sex. Do you agree with it? If yes, can you give any scientific reason to justify this suggestion?

There are a number of reasons that make the morning a clear winner:

  • The testosterone hormone level in males is higher in the morning.
  • For both men and women, there are higher levels of growth hormone and more energy after a night of good sleep/rest.
  • Often a man awakes with a full urinary bladder. This compresses the venous blood return and prevents blood escaping away from the penis. As a result, many men experience spontaneous erections in the morning.
  • Sex in the night is invariably after the dinner. After dinner, very aptly the blood flow to the digestive system is predominant. Good sex needs good flow of blood towards sex organs. This is achieved better in the morning, as stomachs are empty.

When he is not affectionate
I got married in Jan, this year. Ours was an arranged marriage. Everything is going perfect, at least from an outsiders’ perspective. My husband is a nice and a caring man, I think he does care about me. But, I don’t think he is in love with me. He’s not affectionate enough; he never wants to talk and always seems irritated to answer my questions or spend some alone time together. How do I get through to him? How do I improve the relationship between us?

The fact that yours is an arranged marriage means that there is no great emotional intimacy between both of you as yet. If both of you have shared interests like music, reading, sports, trekking, arts etc. it could create some common ground to share your thoughts. You could also try to discover his interests, participate in his hobbies and show interest in his work etc. This could open up a dialogue in an area in which he willingly participates. You could also gently broach the subject of wanting to get to know him better in order to share companionship with him, without whining and complaining. You say he cares for you. This is a good place to start. If you can be a good friend to him, it is possible that he will warm up to this relationship enough to fulfill your relationship needs.

Communicating your desires
My husband is very caring and respectful towards me in every area of our life together, including sex. My problem is that I dream of an aggressive man who makes mad, passionate love to me. I hesitate to express this to him, as he has given me every luxury of life and is a true gentleman. What should I do?  

As in all other areas of a relationship, it is extremely important to ‘communicate’ to your husband your sexual desires, albeit in a manner that is not threatening to his ‘manhood’. It is best if you communicate your needs to him in a friendly, non-complaining manner, or else it could be self-defeating. Avoid sounding demanding, critical or accusatory. A good understanding of each other’s needs through free and...

Re-establishing intimacy
I am overworked at office and at home and feel so fatigued that sex doesn’t happens between me and my husband. Because of so much to do and so little time I don’t care much about my appearance which my husband has brought to my notice and he says that I am letting myself go and not interested in keeping the sexual attraction alive. What should I do?

We strongly recommend you to see a sex counsellor together, so that physical intimacy can be re-established. Also, re-prioritize your time to take some time out to pamper yourself at a beauty parlour, time off from office could be planned by both of you to co-ordinate a day/ half a day together doing fun things, and a weekend away from home could be planned once in a while to bring back the togetherness for both of you. You could also get assistance in the form of hired help so that household chores are reduced, and you are not so fatigued and worn out, and have the time to nurture your body-mind. Also, remember that it’s perfectly okay for the woman to initiate intimacy. Giving a back rub to your partner or asking for one, is a good way to feel close. Hearing some relaxing music in your bedroom with some fragrant fresh flowers around and a dimly lit candle in the corner could create the simple yet conducive ambience for physical intimacy. Also, freely communicate to your partner that you are as interested as him that the sexual attraction remain alive and are actively taking steps to reconnect.

Oral sex
I am 21 and my girl friend is 18. I wish to know whether oral sex can get my girlfriend pregnant?

Oral sex can NEVER get a girl pregnant. It is only when semen enters the vagina that pregnancy/conception can occur. However, it is necessary to note that ‘oral sex’ can transmit Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) including HIV/AIDS. These infections may or may not have manifested in an infected individual and thus they can be contracted unknowingly, unintentionally through oral sex from absolutely externally healthy looking partners.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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