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Heart To Heart

Monday, December 17, 2018

One-night-stand with a stranger
I am a 25-year-old man working in a call centre in the night shift. Six months back I got friendly with a girl who had just joined us then. We quickly became great friends and at an office party got physically intimate after a few drinks. However we decided to keep it at that and she quit. A month back she called me saying that she's pregnant with my child and is demanding we get married. Needless to say I was shocked and told her to reconsider her decision to have a child. Now she is adamant on meeting my parents and insisting our families meet. I'm at my wits end because I don't think I can marry a woman I barely know.

You are learning an important lesson of your life with this experience, and that is, that ‘alcohol lowers your inhibitions, makes you act irresponsibly, and the price that you pay for such irresponsible conduct could be disastrous’. It is not only ‘drunken driving’ that can cost you your life (physical), but it is also ‘drunken partying’ that can cost you not only your life(psychological), but as you can see, it can also spell doom for all your dreams and aspirations. Having said that, it is obvious, that marriage is absolutely not an option, after a one night stand with a stranger, who emotionally blackmails you into a commitment. However, you will need to call her bluff, by confessing your drunken blunder to your parents, and ask them to support you in taking a firm stance that marriage is definitely not the way to go.  You will need to obviously make your apologies, and eat ‘humble pie’ with your parents. You have both engaged in consensual, casual and unprotected sex with a stranger, which is irresponsible and immature behavior on the part of both, and such immaturity shows that you are both not ready for a mature commitment. You have also learnt that ‘casual sex’ is not so ‘casual’ after all. Besides the supposed pregnancy, you have also put yourself at risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases. If this sounds like a sermon, so be it, because this is one sermon you need to hear. Finally, I can only hope that this experience has left you wiser.

Never judge a book by its cover
I am a student at an engineering college in India and shall be going for higher studies to the usa two years later. The thing is I now feel a real need of a good friend in my life (I don't know why my heart says -it should be a girl, may be I am getting a bit sexual or because I’m influenced by my friends, those who have girlfriends, I really don't know) but this is for sure that I really need somebody to share my feelings. It is not that I am in a great state of depression; it's just what I feel about these days. Now, the problem is I am a guy really hating girls, means I can't tolerate the stupid girls here at my place at least. I just can't talk to them and their presence makes me feel awkward. I don't have a personal enmity with any girl still I abhor girls. I think they all are not worth calling girls (I feel the same for most of the girls I have met, having extreme pride for their beauty and sexuality). In such a situation what should I do? Approach a girl (or wait for the one God has made for me. -the advice somebody gave my before) I really can't understand the feeling I have, a complex pinching one indeed. I really can't understand why such a felling aroused in my heart but it has and I request a healing advice.

I can feel the agony in your question. First of all, it is very normal and natural at your age to have sexual feelings, and of course these feelings very naturally include a girl. You also talk of an emotional need of a confidante in your life, someone with whom you can be yourself and share your innermost thoughts. This need is also very normal as man is not only a physical being but also an emotional being. However, a life partner who fits the bill physically and emotionally, will not suddenly fall into your lap nor can you go shopping for one. What you need to do is to remain open and continue to be socially accessible i.e. besides remaining in contact with girls in your college or where you live, you could take up some short courses like public speaking, personality development, also music or computer classes, theatre workshops etc. The point is to increase your social circle so that the right person has an opportunity to enter your life. (If nothing else, you will gain in knowledge, skills, creative satisfaction and lots of new friends). Also ‘never judge a book by its cover’. That means your impression of girls seems to be based on appearances or some minimal interaction. Very often girls are also awkward at this age. It is possible that if you keep your judgment aside, and get to know them better in an unbiased way, you may find your initial impression changing with some of them. So keep your attitude aside and mingle around ~ the girl of your dreams is sure to be out there somewhere.

Treated like a ‘disposable’ object
I’m an 18yr old and I’m studying. I know my boyfriend since 2 yrs now, im really serious about him but the problem is that he is not going to get married to me as he's a foreigner who has many family restrictions, although i understand that marriage is too early a thing to decide right now but im really depressed by the way he behaves, he says he doesn’t love me, when I ask him "what’s the need of this relation?", he tells that’s because he's a human! Besides he's going to leave India after 2 yrs when his studies gets over. Please help me out of this as to what i should do.

I am assuming that the relationship is physical, and he has made it amply clear that that is all it is going to be, as he ‘does not love you’. You have tried to delude yourself that it could be more than a physical relationship for the last two years, and your illusory world is being broken by his crude but frank communication, thus the depression in you. You are a young Indian girl, who is raised with values of being in a committed relationship and integrating love and sex, but obviously he does not conform to those values. It is unfortunate that you have engaged in intimacy, because though for you it is not casual, it is so for him. The wisest course for you now is to step out of your illusions and allow this reality to sink in. The sooner you end this relationship, the better off you will be emotionally, in the long run. If you continue to hang on to him, in spite of  the clear signals from his side, then you are in for prolonged heartache. I also recommend that you see a counselor to identify why you have allowed yourself to be in a relationship in which you are treated like a ‘disposable’ object. You might have to deal with deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, which make you vulnerable to such relationships, and heal yourself so that you do not find yourself in such a relationship again. You are young and have a long life ahead of you. Let this experience leave you wiser.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
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