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Heart To Heart

Monday, November 12, 2018

Sex Tonics
I am a 33-year-old married man. Can you tell me which kind of food, herbs, vitamins or exercise can improve the quality of my erection?

There are no vitamins, herbs, minerals, food items or exercises that can improve the quality of your erection. Science has proved that all such claims are “false”. There is no scientifically proven ‘sex tonic’ or ‘aphrodisiac’ in any branch of medicine such as Allopathy, Homeopathy, Ayurveda etc.

Even Viagra (Sildenafil) does not bring about an erection. It can only help to ‘sustain’ the erection longer, once you have attained it naturally.

What drugs cannot do…. Love can do. ‘True Love’ is the most powerful stimulant and aphrodisiac.  

Want Somebody Close
I am 22 and single. I long for love and sex all the time. I need somebody who is secretly in love with me and have all types of relationship with me. Please help. Is it abnormal? I am restless.

What you are feeling is not abnormal. It is a human need to love and be loved. There is also another human need and that is to feel a sense of worthiness about oneself. You say you are restless. That means you are only hung up on the fulfillment of the first need ~ namely to love and be loved. For a sense of worthiness you need to put your energy in creative pursuits, activities and hobbies that increase your self-worth. This will make you feel good about yourself, take care of your restlessness and give you a chance to interact with people. While you are busy feeling good, the right person for you will come into your life. Till then, don’t worry, be happy. If you continue to feel restless even after this, you would need to have a few sessions with a good personal counsellor.

Cleanliness & Attraction
I was married 4 years ago and have a kid of 2 years. My wife does not have any sense of hygiene - she has stinking armpits which she does not shave or wax.  She also does not understand the need for looking well groomed for her husband. She is very shabby, so I really do not feel like making love to her. I have now started looking at other smart looking females. Please advice me.

It is important that you bring to her notice very gently and lovingly, your discomfort with the unpleasant odor and any other unhygienic habits. Also suggest to her what she could actively do to eliminate all that, like waxing, using deodorant etc. In fact you could gift her with a beauty salon appointment and a deodorant. However take care to appreciate the person that she is. Go beyond appearances. Your wife is much more than her body. She is bound to have some good qualities as a wife and the mother of your child. A fulfilling relationship is based on love, care and understanding. Understand that your wife is not responsible for her lack of hygiene or aesthetic sense, because she has probably been brought up in such an environment and lacked exposure to the finer aspects of life. However she is definitely responsible for doing something about it, and here is where you come into the picture. You could very lovingly and actively help her with this transition and grow closer in the bargain.

Pre-Marital Sex Education
I am a post graduate in management and working for a large company at Hyderabad. I am married only for 4 months. It was an arranged marriage. My wife, 24 years is an engineer working at Chennai. From the day of our engagement we used to interact every day over phone. She used to call me frequently. Things have changed within three days of the marriage. We did not have intercourse as her vagina was very small and I could not penetrate. She used to cry in pain when I try to insert. Within a week i took her to Hyderabad. We did not have sex as she was not interested. She went to Chennai after a week. She had earlier applied for her transfer to Hyd.

Within a week of reaching Chennai, she said that she might not get the transfer immediately and she is not willing to resign the job. Another day, when I tried to contact her, she said she is not willing to lead the life with me and she wanted divorce. Her family and I was totally surprised as there was no real issue for her to behave in a particular way. When her parents asked her for the reason, she just said that I didn’t give her freedom in the bedroom. This answer of her has really surprised everybody.
She also told her parents that I don't love her. I do not know what made her to think that way. She also said that my parents and sister were very good and she has problem only with me. Then we decided to take the issue to a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor and he wanted us to take her (my wife) to him. She refused to meet him saying that she did not suffer from any mental disorder and there is no reason for her to meet the doctor. What could be the reason for her behaviour?

Your problem is simple yet complex. I wish both of you had visited a good pre-marital counselling centre for a sex education session before marrying. You have made some basic mistakes that could have been avoided.

It is true that she does not require a psychotherapist at this stage but BOTH OF YOU definitely need guidance from a sex therapist. The difference between male sexuality and female sexuality is necessary to be understood by both of you. What she perceives as a lack of love from your side could have arisen from your insufficient knowledge of the female needs, both emotional and physical. I hope it is not too late. If you suggest that you have been advised that BOTH OF YOU need guidance together and not only her, and also that you are willing to take responsibility for your contribution (insufficient knowledge of female needs), she could be willing to reconsider working things through.

Erectile Dysfunction
I am a 39-year-old man. I have problems getting erections and always have soft erections? How can I overcome the problem?

Your condition is medically termed as erectile dysfunction. The treatment depends on the cause of your erectile dysfunction. There are many organic (physical) as well as psychogenic causes for this problem. If it is due to psychogenic or situational causes, the treatment will be “sex counselling” and “supportive therapy”. If the cause is organic or constitutional, then appropriate medical or surgical measures will have to be undertaken. It is necessary to find out the cause (diagnosis) of this problem first, through history taking, examination and investigations. Once the cause is found, only then can the treatment be advised.

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