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Heart To Heart

Monday, November 05, 2018

Not Taking A Risk Is The Biggest Risk
I am 26. My trust has been betrayed so often by close ones. I find it difficult to trust any more. What should I do? Please guide me. I love your answers. Your answers are eye opening and genuine.

Any intimate relationship is based on love and trust. It is not normally questioned in the relationship, because its presence in the relationship is normally assumed.  One does not live in a relationship suspecting betrayal of this love and trust. Such a betrayal of trust strips you of everything you thought you knew. Now you are left asking yourself the question all the time, ‘What’s true? Is this true? Should I believe it?’ After such betrayal it takes a long time to come to some sense and have some rationale in your thoughts. Despite this, one should never get into a shell, but risk being a little vulnerable. This brings great rewards; or else you will miss out on love & life. And opportunities of meaningful relationships will simply pass you by. “Not taking a risk is the biggest risk of all”.

Birth Control Methods
We will be getting married soon. I am 26 and my fiancé is 23.  We want to avoid pregnancy at least for the first year. We wish to know about all different methods of contraception (birth control) for men and women?

The contraceptive methods are broadly classified into (a) Male Methods and (b) Female Methods. The male methods include: Condom and Surgical sterilization known as "Vasectomy".

The female methods are: Oral Contraceptive Pills, Injectable contraceptive shots, Spermicidal creams or pessaries, Intra Uterine Contraceptive Devices (IUCDs) commonly known as the Loop (Copper T) and Surgical sterilization known as "Tubectomy".

Newer methods like the female condom, Intradermal Hormonal implants and the Male Contraceptive Pill are not commercially available in India presently. Each method has some advantages and some disadvantages. It is best to decide about the contraceptive method after both of you consult your family physician or a gynaecologist. It is then up to each individual couple to sit together, weigh the pros and cons and then use a method which is mutually acceptable and which is most suitable for their requirements.

For a newly married couple the Condom (to be used by men), Spermicidal pessaries and Oral contraceptive pills (to be used by women) are the ONLY recommended methods. The other methods are usually to be practiced only after the birth of your first child and/or after completing your family.

Is She with you For ‘You’?
I have a problem with this girl. I have been meeting this girl for the past 6 months. At the same time she was having problems with her ex-boyfriend. She used to tell me that he was no good for her and she still wants to go back with him. They have been together for 3 years. But anyway I am in love with that girl and I don't want to give her up. We have been physical a few times. But I can't understand when I try to kiss her she says that she is not attracted to me. We have not had sex yet or kissed. But the way this has been going on, I mean the way how she turns me on and off is making me angry. Also I don't want to leave her for many other reasons other than love.

It’s never a good idea to involve yourself with someone on the rebound, much less if the break-up with her ex-boyfriend is just a lover’s quarrel. It would be wise on your part to wait till she has had a clean break and has resolved all her feelings about her ex. Would it not be better if she is with you for you, and not as a stop-gap arrangement for her?  You say that she has said that she is not attracted to you. This is all the more reason for you to step aside. She needs to resolve her feelings about her ex and about you. If she cannot be emotionally and physically totally with you, then you are better off without her.

Safe Period
Is there a “safe period” to have unprotected sexual intercourse?

There is absolutely no safe period to have unprotected sex if you wish to avoid pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted Infections. Attempting to estimate when a woman is least fertile is a risky form of contraception.

Ovulation happens around 14 days before the first day of the next expected date of MC. About five days before and after this day of ovulation, including the day of ovulation are the days when there is a possibility of pregnancy, making them ‘unsafe’. Rest all the days are supposed to be safe from the conception point of view.

Safe periods are not very safe, as they are calculated with the presumption that the MC periods are ‘regular’ (30 days). It is very common for periods to go irregular most unexpectedly due to various physiological as well as psychological causes. In that case the calculation of safe period can go wrong, making it ‘unsafe’. Moreover, this method also offers no protection from STDs including HIV.

Something Amiss In This Alliance
I will be marrying this girl in next three months. We meet often and get adequate privacy; however she avoids all my physical advances. She acts unusually shy even while dressing up in my presence. I find that she is not shy in dressing in front of her family that includes her father and brother. I find something amiss in this alliance. Can you throw some light?

A: You say that she is not shy in the family, but you are new in her life and she needs to get to know you better before she sheds her inhibitions with you. I would however strongly recommend a pre-marriage counselling session with a good sex counsellor to rid her of any myths regarding sex that she may be carrying. The session would also be beneficial to know whether she is marrying you of her own free will or whether she has any reservations about this alliance and why. Usually this problem is easily corrected simply through the love and patience of the partner and sex education. If not then the counsellor would have to explore whether she has issues like being in love with someone else, childhood sexual abuse or lesbianism which is making her uncomfortable sharing intimacy with you.

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I am 26. My trust has been betrayed so often by c
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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