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Heart To Heart

Monday, October 29, 2018

Managing temper
My Boyfriend and I have been going out a little over a month. He says he really likes me, and I really like him. He reminds me of my older brother, has the same temper, and it worries me cause my brother has an assault charge, cause he hit his wife. How can I be sure that he wont hit me, if he loses his temper? Am I worrying over nothing, cause of the memories that haunt me of my older brother? He's 19+ and I’m 18+.

Firstly, history need not repeat itself i.e. your boyfriend need not behave like your brother as they are two different persons, BUT, one must learn from history and be aware i.e. see whether your boyfriend expresses his anger in socially acceptable ways or not. If there are signs of verbal abuse or even a push or a shove, then beware, this could be a sign for things to come – put an end to it immediately by asserting yourself with him; he must know that you will not stand for this. However, if he gets angry due to a difference of opinion, expresses it through words without humiliating you and attacking your self-worth, and sorts out the difference through communication, then he is normal and there is nothing to be concerned about. However, both of you are still young, understand each other better before you get serious about the relationship.

Myth of simultaneous orgasms
We have been married two years and we have never had an orgasm at the same time. I always thought this was something most couples enjoyed, and it seems like it would be wonderful to experience it. Is it really all that important, or should we give up trying?

It truly isn't all that important! The myth that experiencing simultaneous orgasm is the epitome of sexual satisfaction is based on various false assumptions. First, it assumes that two individuals get sexually aroused and then respond at the same pace. This is quite unlikely! Second, it assumes that ‘goal-oriented’ sexual act is more satisfying than ‘pleasure-oriented’ sex. Quite the opposite, goal-oriented sexual act can greatly interfere with satisfaction by introducing an insistent demanding attitude, anxiety and often a feeling of failure, all of which can impede the body's natural response mechanism.

Goal-oriented sexual act requires a wife to be orgasmic during intercourse, which may not be the case always. It also assumes that she will only have one single orgasm, and so she has to time that orgasm to occur when her husband is about to ejaculate. Women have the ability to experience more than one orgasm, and it is more likely that a woman who has multiple orgasms may have one when her husband ejaculates. Even then it works best when it is simply allowed to ‘happen naturally’, rather than worked towards as a goal.

As put by one woman, “I wouldn't want to orgasm when he does because then I would miss out on his”! Many couples like better to enjoy each other's orgasms. That way, you can double your pleasure!

Deriving sexual pleasure
I am 25-year-old housewife. I want to know; does sex give physical pleasure only to men; and women can enjoy only the emotional pleasure? In my married life of last three years, I have never derived any physical pleasure out of sex. Can sex be equally pleasurable for both men and women? Please clarify.

Yes of course. Sex can and should be equally pleasurable for women. Women can and should be actively involved in the sexual act. Most women enjoy emotional intimacy as do some men, but this not mean that they do not enjoy the physical pleasure. In fact, a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality, is capable of enjoying much more than a man because she is capable of experiencing multiple orgasms unlike men who lose their erection after ejaculation.

Women have been conditioned to believe that an open display of passion during sex is ‘unladylike’, and they fear being labelled as ‘nymphomaniacs’. This is the reason why women rarely give in to their natural physical urges and why they don’t uninhibitedly indulge in sex with an unbridled passion. In actuality, because women are capable of multiple orgasms, the men in our male dominated society, due to their own fear of not being able to satisfy the woman, has conditioned women to believe that they are supposed to be the passive partner in sex and that active sex is a male domain.

To ensure that you reach orgasm, it is better to adopt the ‘woman on top’ position as you are more aware of your pleasure points and thus can ensure the correct stimulus.

Cannot reciprocate their feelings
I am confused. Two of my good friends, both boys, have proposed me. I like both of them but don't love them romantically. I don't want them to get hurt; but I also don't want to get hurt myself. What should I do?

Open and honest communication is always the best way. Let both your friends know in no unclear terms, how much you value their friendship, but cannot reciprocate their feelings. I repeat, speak in very clear terms so that neither one of them continues to hope. This is definitely not going to be a pleasant experience for them, but nevertheless necessary. If they are mature, they will not hold your refusal against you. However, since from their side there has been a substantial emotional investment, it could take time for them to get over it. As far as you losing them as friends is concerned, I think it comes second. The choice should be theirs. If they feel they can re-establish just a friendship with you and be okay with it, that’s fine, but if they find it difficult to do the same, it would be cruel to insist that they be just friends with you for your comfort. Also, to avoid a repetition of similar incidents in your life, do introspect and see whether there is anything in your behaviour with boys that could lead them to believe that you are interested in them romantically.

Psychogenic impotence
I never have a problem with erection during masturbation but when I tried intercourse with my girlfriend, I could not get a proper erection. Why is it so?

It is a common occurrence. Sex before marriage is invariably associated with guilt, hesitation, fear and self-doubt. These feelings affect the erection (Psychogenic erectile dysfunction). Moreover, girls with a moral upbringing are invariably reluctant to indulge, or fail to actively participate in intercourse before marriage. Invariably, they agree for intercourse only under emotional compulsion and thus fail to give a free and spontaneous response during the act. The lack of response from the partner also affects one’s level of sexual excitement and subsequently the erection.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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