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Heart To Heart

Monday, October 15, 2018

Bleeding during intercourse
I am married and have an active sex life with my wife from past two years and have sex four or five times a week. In the past four months, blood mixed with semen comes out occasionally. I don’t experience any kind of pain after, during or before sex. Do I have any problem?
The bleed noticed during intercourse could be originating from either of the partners (or even both). In your case it is necessary to first find out where it is coming from. It could very well be originating from your wife, as you do not experience any pain before, during or after sex.

If you confirm that it is originating from you, if you have noticed it during masturbation, then it needs further investigation. An occasional bleed, particularly when you have ejaculated after a long gap could be passed off as innocent and does not need any treatment, as it is a common transient phenomenon. However if it is a persistent occurrence, then it definitely suggests either an injury, inflammation, infection or even growth in your uro-genital tract which needs a thorough check up and some investigations. Do consult a uro-surgeon for professional help.  

Long distance relationship
I am a 26-year-old woman in a long distance relationship with a man of the same age. We'd been together for four years before he left to study abroad for two years. He's been away for nine months now and the distance is starting to take its toll on the relationship. My parents don't know about him and are forcing me to get married to someone of their choice. Although I love my boyfriend very much, the distance and the fights are making me think whether we're really suited for each other. I don't want to break up with him without a valid reason but at the same time I don't know if the relationship will survive for the next two years while we're so far away from each other.
Distant relationships can be quite challenging for a couple, however, if there is a genuine and matured compatibility between the two, distance can even make the heart grow fonder. Both of you are obviously constantly in touch via all the modern means of instant communication like the internet, mobile etc. which is why you are able to chat, and thus, to ‘fight’. In your case it seems to be less about the distance and more about incompatibilities, because the distance between both of you is only physical. It is not as if you cannot communicate with each other. In fact, your communication is obviously bringing to light certain crucial areas in which there are huge disagreements, which was probably not so when you’ll were physically together and enjoying the ‘romance’. It is always better to ‘know’ each others values on crucial issues related to sharing a life together, before one ties the knot to avoid complications later. In your case, you have got this opportunity now, which is good. Take advantage of this distance, and discuss everything related a ‘life’ together to know whether both of you can reach a win-win solution, or then are there ‘deal-breakers’ for either one or both. To know which issues to discuss, you could see a pre-marital counselor, and then initiate a sincere dialogue with your boyfriend. You could then discuss any ‘deal-breakers’ with the counselor to evaluate whether this relationship has a future or not.

Cannot find clitoris
I am a 20-year-old girl. I have learned that the clitoris plays a major role in sexual pleasure; however I am unable to find my clitoris. I am worried! Help!

It can be a rather difficult sometimes to find a woman’s clitoris. This is mainly because women's genitals come in many different sizes and shapes. Each one is different and unique! To make matters worse, there are clitorises that are, though normal, very small and deeply hidden under the skin folds. Many girls/women also do not know where to look for their clitoris or how does it look like since they have never been encouraged to inspect and explore their vulva. For all these reasons, do not feel bad if you are unable to find your clitoris, when you first go looking for it.

First have a closer look at a diagram of the female external genitalia and understand the anatomy. To find a woman's clitoris you first need to locate and identify the inner lips (labia minora). This is because the clitoris is located at the point where inner lips/labia meet, near the top of her genital cleft. Some inner labia merge at the bottom of the clitoral glans, at a point called the frenulum, others merge with the hood, and many others
do both.

There are normal women who have almost no inner labial tissue. In these cases you may have to look for the clitoris itself. If a woman's clitoris is erect (taking into consideration whether her clitoris has this characteristic), it is generally easier to locate; since it will feel ‘firm’ to your touch, and not spongy and soft like the surrounding tissue. You could also visit a gynecologist for a clinical examination to alleviate your anxieties about your clitoris.

Remember, the sexual pleasure does not depend on the size of your clitoris. Even a very small clitoris can derive as much pleasure as a very big one.

Irresponsible sex
I went out with a Marine Engineer for some time and we had sexual relations. I am now pregnant. He had left for sailing without giving me his address immediately after our sexual contact, and I also don't know anything about his family, or how and where to contact him. Even if we were to make contact somehow, I don't think he will take up this responsibility because he had said that he does not believe in marriage.

I am not going to sermonize, but you know that you made an ‘irresponsible’ decision and you are now going to have to deal with the ‘consequences’ of that decision.

You have limited options. Either to go for an abortion (Medical termination of pregnancy), be a single mother, or then have the baby and give it up for adoption. It will be helpful to see a counsellor to have more clarity before making any decision. Hopefully, this situation has left you a lot wiser! You probably also have unresolved emotional issues, which led you to make an irresponsible decision in the first place. Seeing a counsellor will help you understand yourself better and heal any unresolved issues, so that you can live with more wisdom.

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Heart To Heart
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)Logic and reasoning will hold court, while creativity takes a backseat today. There are challenges at work, but you are a dynamo and will meet them upfront. All tensions will be relieved by the loving touch of your near and dear. Such is life, sums up Ganesha.
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