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Heart To Heart

Monday, August 27, 2018

When semen flows out
Every time we have intercourse all the semen leaks out of my vagina. I have not been able to conceive because of this.

What is happening with you is normal. Semen is not expected to get absorbed inside the vagina. A very small quantity of semen enters the uterus, and that is enough for conception to take place. The rest of it has to come out of the vagina sooner or later.

Kindly have your husband’s semen examination done. An inadequate sperm count in semen may be the cause of your inability to conceive.

Menopause and declining interest in sex
I am a 54-year-old man in good physical health and married happily for the last 28 years. I have a good sex drive and desire to have sex as often as I can with my wife who is 49-year-old. However since the last few years, I find that my wife is not taking adequate interest in sex. After her menopause, she complains of dryness in her vagina, which makes it difficult to enjoy sex. Apart from this physical issue, I find that she doesn’t take any initiative in sex and avoids the same on some or the other pretext. As a result, we have sex only once in a fortnight whereas I desire sex at least twice a week.

Menopause is invariably wrongly blamed for declining interest in sex in women. The cause for lack of matching interest in sex in partners could be physical, psychological (emotional), situational or even out of a so-called religious (spiritual) belief. It is necessary to find out the cause of such sudden loss of interest in sex. Only after knowing the cause, therapy can be planned.

For your information a woman’s interest in sex depends on the following factors:

Satisfaction: The level and frequency of satisfaction that she has experienced in her sexual life. If sex has been a one-sided activity by the man without bothering much about the needs of the woman, then over a period of time, she may lose interest in sex.

Foreplay: If foreplay is not done correctly and adequately, female partners do not feel aroused enough to have intercourse. Many husbands are impatient and want to go for intercourse after a short and hurried foreplay. Such repeated experiences of unsatisfactory sex gradually make the woman lose interest.

Integration of Love and Sex: A woman operates through her heart. Her sex-life is not separate from the rest of her life. She sees everything in her life as inter-related. As against this, man tends to compartmentalize. He can mentally put aside stressful aspects of his life and separate it from sex. A woman needs good feelings and experiences during the day to have satisfying sex. How her husband treats her out of bed, greatly influences her response in bed. Inattentiveness, harsh language, a rude tone, hurting words, and criticism can make it difficult for a woman to get involved, to feel enthusiastic & to be passionate during sex. It is important for a couple to be loving even when they are not in the sex act. Sexuality & affection cannot be compartmentalized. Good sex is a continuum of affection & closeness during the day.
Lack of Love: This lack of love cannot be blamed on only one partner. Love happens between two sensitive human beings. Both of you need to deeply examine your relationship, either on your own or with the help of a good counsellor. Ask yourself what you can do to bring more depth into your relationship and make it more than sex a sharing of intimacy. It will be better if both of you speak freely on this subject with each other and try to understand each other.

Never got the chance to say those words
I am faced with a queer problem. Well I had an on-off relationship with a woman but never really got the chance to say those words. And now she was on the verge of getting along with someone else just when the stuff broke down. Do you think time is right for me to move in? If yes, how 'coz I won't say the obvious upfront.

Well if you don’t say the words even now (which is presuming you still want to say them), when will you? At the same time you don’t want her getting into a relationship with you on the rebound. Therefore, making your feelings known to her is as important as giving her time to be ready for another relationship. You could express your feelings and tell her that you would respect and understand if she needed to take some time before she responds to you in a Yes or a No.

Effective assertiveness is the key
My best friend and I have known each other for over 10 years. We have good time with each other and share an excellent rapport. However, she is a little dominating and always wants me to follow her everywhere. I don’t really mind that. But, lately I have noticed that she’s been stealing money from my purse. I have tried to confront her (indirectly), but she always has some excuse and I have to let go. This has been bothering me a lot. I am afraid to ask her about this directly, and I don’t want to lose her as a friend. Is there some other way to tackle this situation? Please suggest.

Effective assertiveness is the key. You have said that you have ‘not minded’ her dominating attitude, and that you have ‘let go’ of the issue when she made excuses, and are ‘afraid’ of direct communication. By your unassertive/submissive attitude and behavior, you have in fact, given her the message for 10 years that she can get away with anything with you, and therefore, she has never felt the need to turn within and reflect on her own disrespectful conduct towards you in this relationship. Therefore, in a way you have allowed the problem to grow to this magnitude. We teach people how to treat us; and you have, through your own passivity, taught her to ill-treat you. A ‘true friendship’ is one where one has the courage to honestly and directly mirror the other’s wrongs and the one receiving the mirroring, receives it humbly and non-defensively, knowing and trusting that it is in the spirit of friendship. If you say there is a risk of ‘losing’ her as a ‘friend’, and if she does break off the ‘friendship’ with you, you would have actually lost nothing, as she would have proved that she is not a ‘friend’, does not consider you as a ‘friend’, and that there was no true ‘friendship’ to begin with, but just an illusion of one, which has now broken. However, it is better for the illusion to break so that you can be liberated from it and move on to building more healthier and true friendships, which are mutually respectful. Therefore, with this thought that you stand to lose nothing, but only stand to gain and reclaim your own space for respect, go ahead and directly tell her that her conduct is unacceptable to you.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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