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Heart To Heart

Monday, August 13, 2018

How Ready Are You To Share A Life Together
I am a 20-year-old guy having a love affair with a 20-year-old girl. We know each other for past 5 years and know it well now that we want to be with each other throughout the life. Now the problem is this that her parents want to get her married and they don't know of our love affair yet. I am afraid of letting them know about our affair cause it might make them against us cause hers is an orthodox family. I am currently into studies and I will complete my studies after 2 years and I will get a job then. I have asked her to anyhow stop her marriage proposals for 1 year and then I will be 21. And we can go for court marriage if anything goes wrong. It is all chaos. She won't agree for a court marriage. What do I do? I mean telling her parents is a big risk now cause I am not 21. And even if I become 21 I am not sure that she will go for court marriage cause she is from an orthodox family. It seems to be all chaos. I mean what can a guy do if the girl he loves is from an orthodox family?
In your case you seem to have taken the entire responsibility of the girl’s parents on your shoulders. If she cares for you as deeply as you care for her, she will also play her part in convincing her parents of the intensity of your feelings for each other and put her foot down regarding other proposals. Both of you need to understand that marriage is a great responsibility and not a bed of roses.

The test of true love is its strength to face challenges, the first one being with her parents. Remember, if your decision to share a life together, upsets or disturbs them in any way, then it is their problem. It is not your responsibility to solve their disturbance. Both of you first of all need to understand that though it is good to have the blessings of family and friends; it is not an absolute ‘must’. What is a ‘must’ though, is maturity on the part of both of you to be able to shoulder the responsibility of marriage, physically, emotionally, financially and socially. So make sure that both of you are ready for it before tying the knot. What is important is how willing and ready both of you are to share a life together, then whether it is a family priest or a court registrar, who does the honors should not really matter.

Relationship With A Married Man
I am a 26-year-old woman living alone in the city since the past four years. My parents stay in another city with my siblings. I was seeing a 50-year-old man since the past three and half years. A month back he confessed that he is married with two kids and that he no longer wanted to be with me because his wife came to know about the affair and threatened to walk out. He had earlier promised that we would have a secure future together. During the time we were together, I got pregnant twice but had to abort the baby since he kept telling me he wasn't ready for fatherhood. I was totally shattered and came clean to my parents about the whole situation. They are now forcing me to move back with them and also get married to a guy they have selected for me.

It is said that a woman's instincts are very good, and that she usually knows when things are amiss in a relationship. But then it is equally true that one often ignores not only one's instincts, but even what is a glaring reality, and sees selectively only what one wants to see, and simply chooses to ignore the other more glaring data. I am sure you had enough clues to rouse some suspicion that all was not well, during the three and half year dating period with a 50-year-old man, with you aborting twice because he was not prepared for fatherhood at the age of 50. It is possible that while you are reading our answer, you are engaging in some mental self-bashing and some bashing of this man. However, neither bashing yourself or him will help. What will help though, is for you to dissect all the reasons and motives for being in this relationship with a man twice your age who promised you much but gave you nothing, what dire 'need' in you made you turn a blind eye to clues that might have been staring you in your face all this while, and where in your past do the origins of this dire 'need' lie. It will help you address this 'need' at the roots, which in turn will prevent a similar occurrence in your life where you find yourself in a less than mediocre and abusive relationship. You might benefit from seeing a counselor to facilitate this process. It might be a good idea to have a change of scene, and if moving with your parents provides that, you could consider it. As far as marrying is considered, you might want to first deal with your own healing before you engage with another person. Today you will bring to the new relationship, a shattered, confused and fragmented self, but when you are healed from your past, you will be able to bring to the relationship your 'whole' self.

I am married for eight months. I love my husband a lot. My husband has been talking about some ‘phantasms’ and he would like me to take part in the realization of some of them. I am puzzled. Do I have to accept?

The most important principle about human sexuality is: Never force one’s desires on another. According to this principle, you do not have to accept what your husband imposes or compels on you. On the other hand, if you feel that your participation in the realization of your husband’s phantasms will strengthen your mutual love and that this act does not particularly appear difficult, physically harmful or emotionally disturbing for you, then why refuse? If this act feels physically or psychologically distressing for you, then refuse because this can have a blocking effect on your sexuality and it can be harmful to your relationship and the love that you feel for your husband.

Am I Frigid?
I am a 26-year-old married woman with one four-year-old daughter. My husband calls me “frigid” because I do not have as much sexual desire as him and I do not find the need to have intercourse as often as him. Am I really frigid?

The frequency of sexual desire varies from one person to the other.  It also varies in different situations, circumstances and at different stages of our life. It is found very often the sexual desires of husband and wife do not match with each other. You simply seem to have a lower libido than your husband. Such a disparity is common and normal. That has nothing to do with you being “frigid”. Your husband probably does not know the correct meaning of the term “frigidity”. Frigidity is a complete and continuous lack of sexual desire and pleasure which is not so in your case.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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