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Heart To Heart

Monday, July 23, 2018

Urine infection after sex
Why is that whenever we have sex after a long gap my wife gets urine infection even though both of us maintain proper personal hygiene?

Mechanical rubbing during intercourse can cause urethral inflammation in females. In spite of all the so-called hygienic precautions, infection can enter the inflamed urethra and bladder causing urinary infection.

This is a common complaint known as ‘honeymoon urethritis’. Whenever there is a longer ‘gap’ between sexual encounters, excitement levels are high. This causes aggressive movements and harder rubbing of organs. An aggressive mechanical rubbing during intercourse causes this problem. Try to be gentle during intercourse. Women enjoy it better that way. Also engage in prolonged (20-25 minutes) and mutually satisfying foreplay. This will produce adequate lubrication in her vagina for an enjoyable intercourse. Lack of lubrication (which is likely to be either due to a lack of interest, lack of relaxation during the act or lack of adequate foreplay) can also be the cause of urethral (or even vaginal) injury and inflammation.

How can I stay in this marriage?
I am a 28-year-old married woman and seven months pregnant. Ours was an arranged marriage. My husband works abroad and comes down four times a year for a couple of weeks. Two weeks back he confessed to having an affair with a woman who stays in the same country where he works and that she is also pregnant with his child. Needless to say I was shattered and more so when he said she was going to keep the child although the ended the affair a few days back. However the thought that my partner cheated on me and will have another child growing up somewhere is causing me much grief. I don't know if I should leave my husband or not.

Whether you should leave your husband or not has to be your choice, because it is your life, and it is only you who can decide what course of action will give you ‘relatively’ more happiness. Do note that I have used the word ‘relatively’, which recognizes and acknowledges that no decision of yours is going to result in an ideal outcome, and there are no perfect solutions to life’s problems, in spite of what an immature mind wants to believe. Sometimes the choice is between an unpleasant, a more unpleasant or a less unpleasant choice, with the word ‘unpleasant’ remaining common. Therefore, weigh the pros and cons of your various options carefully and meticulously, and think of the short-term and long-term possible consequences before arriving at any decision, as all decisions have far-reaching consequences. I would also recommend that you insist that you and your husband engage in marriage counseling to evaluate the ‘real’ status of your relationship with each other, and also to help clarify fully, what provoked the beginning and the ending of the affair. Also, it is important to assess whether he plans to involve himself in the raising of the child with the other woman through finances or in other ways. After amassing all this data, you will be in a better position to do the pros and cons analysis, which will form the basis of your decision, which you will then live with. Remember, with every choice you are also choosing the consequences of that choice.

Anxiety about impotence
I refrain from making sexual overtures with my partner because I fear that I will not be able to have an erection. This is affecting the relationship adversely. Please help me.

Anxiety about impotence ranks first in order of prevalence, in all the sexual fears that men have. Ironically, the fear itself is the greatest cause of impotence. In 90% cases of impotencies, the cause is stemming from the mind (psychogenic). It is only in 10% cases that the cause is biological.

Just as it is not possible to make saliva, tears and digestive juices flow, similarly there is no possible way a man can ‘will’ himself to have an erection. These things happen on their own in response to situations and circumstances. If one involves oneself in ‘relaxed’ foreplay, without ‘spectatoring’ at the organ (waiting for the erection to happen), the erection happens on its own accord. Behind the fear of failure to get an erection is a fundamental anxiety – the fear of being rejected. The partner’s patient understanding and co-operation plays a very important role in getting over such psychogenic impotence.

Aging parents and baby-sitting
My wife and I have been having a very disturbing life because of my son. At present he is taken care by a day care center. My wife wants my old parents to take care of him for the only reasons that they took care of my nephews earlier. She refuses to understand that they were young and healthy at that time. She feels they are refusing intentionally. Due to this she constantly taunts me, speaks degrading about my parents, and many times blackmails me emotionally. This has made life a hell for me. I am unable to concentrate on my work and in fact it is also affecting my relation with her and my son. I want some help to if not get rid of the problem to overcome the same.

Every working parent prefers that their child be looked after by family rather than by a stranger. It seems that your wife is not convinced that your old parents are unable to take care of your son, or else she would not insist. You say that there is a major problem with your aging parents baby-sitting your son and that your wife’s insistence is unreasonable. One needs to explore if and why she has a distorted perception of the situation. She needs to be understood and then counselled about her ‘unreasonable’ expectations. In this regard, both of you need to see a counsellor together to find a win-win solution.

Cuts during intercourse
We got married recently. I am 32 and my wife is 31. We are painfully struggling with our sexual relationship. Each time we attempt intercourse; my penis develops cuts due to rubbing of genitals. How to prevent this from happening?

Lack of adequate lubrication is invariably the only cause for such complaints. Early penetration while the vagina is still dry, can cause the cuts.  Engage in a relaxed and prolonged foreplay for at least twenty minutes before intercourse, so that the lubrication from both sides is adequate. Foreplay is one, when both the partners are more than willing and enjoy pleasuring each other. Adequate foreplay will produce good amount of natural lubrication, and that will solve the problem.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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