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Heart To Heart

Monday, July 16, 2018

Frequency of Sex
What is the correct and healthy frequency of sexual activity between couples?

The frequency of your sexual activity mainly depends on at which stage your relationship is currently. When a person is just falling in love, the intimacy is at its peak, and so is the excitement. You just cannot get enough of each other! That is the passionate, mad phase, which is also called as “lust and limerance”. This phase lasts for the initial few months. Then it simmers down and one moves into ‘compassionate love’. It is not as exciting but more meaningful, tender, comfortable and fulfilling. That is the way it is going to be except that there will be some flashes of the old passion occasionally.

Couples who experience differences in their desire levels require to develop good communication skills so that they both feel free to express their feelings without hesitation and fear that they will be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Also you need to be open to the sexual cues of your partner, as well as being able to indicate “not today” without it being seen as a put-down, refusal or rejection.

How can I find a partner?
I am handsome 5'4" male wheatish complexion, good well mannered sweet in nature, smart. I want to  marry a girl of sweet nature. How should I find one of my choice? Should I go to parties, marriages, bars, discos? Match making sites seems to be a waste of money. Should I give an adv. in newspaper where parents are involved? I want to marry a girl who loves me and I love her most where our interests are common and shared. How can I find where to start from?

All your socializing ideas seem okay except the bars and discos, as the ‘sweet natured’ girl you are looking for will definitely not be there. Matrimonial columns are not a bad idea, though it is important to check her credentials through some other known source.

It is important that you continue to interact in society and wait for your ‘lady love’ to walk into your life. However, a compatible life-partner cannot and should not be found in a desperate hurry. Remember ~ ‘It is man who is always in a hurry, but God is always on time’.

Inadequate Lubrication
We got married recently. I am 31 and my wife is 30. We are painfully struggling with our sexual relationship. Each time we attempt intercourse; my penis develops cuts and abrasions due to rubbing of genitals. How to prevent this from happening?

Lack of adequate lubrication is invariably the only cause for such complaints. Early penetration while the vagina is still dry, can cause the cuts.  Engage in a relaxed and prolonged foreplay for at least twenty minutes before intercourse, so that the lubrication from both sides is adequate. Good foreplay is one, when both the partners are more than willing and enjoy pleasuring each other. Adequate foreplay will produce good amount of natural lubrication, and that will solve the problem.

Drunken exploration
I am a 28-year-old woman working in a multinational company. Last month at an office party I got drunk and got very physically intimate with another office colleague — a woman! I have always been attracted to the opposite sex and am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend since three years. Hence this drunken behaviour of mine has been shocking and certainly embarrassing! Although my partner has no idea about the incident, some of my colleagues keep dropping hints that they know what happened that night and pass cruel jokes. If that wasn't enough, the woman who I got intimate with is forcing me to be with her or she'll tell the entire world what happened that night, the first person being my boyfriend. This is causing me much grief.

You have proved that it is not only ‘drunken driving’ that is dangerous but also ‘drunken partying’. It’s quite a soup you have got yourself into. Honesty is the best policy in this case. Tell your boyfriend of your ‘drunken deeds’ and express genuine regret and repentance for putting yourself in such a position. Also commit to yourself as well as to him that this will never happen again. The threats of this woman will be rendered harmless when you on your own disclose it to your boyfriend. I hope that you have learned your life lesson and will think twice before putting a drink to your lips. Dealing with the jokes at office and the threats from this woman, will reinforce your life lesson, and patiently going through this painful embarrassment, will serve as a lifetime reminder of the price one necessarily has to pay for one’s indiscretions. If this experience helps you to live a more mature, responsible and self-aware life, then the embarrassment and awkwardness is a small price for a larger life lesson.

Valid Concern
I am a 24-year old Muslim woman, married to a 26-year old IT professional from the same community. My 48-year old widowed mother-in-law stays with us. She is still very beautiful and appears to be much younger than her age. My father-in-law died in 1986. However, my problem is that my mother-in-law, who lost a few fingers of her right hand in an accident and therefore has a weak grip, makes my husband shave her underarms and private parts, as shaving is mandatory in Islam. Can’t she do it with her left hand? I am afraid that since she is still attractive and starved of a physical relationship, the two can end up having sex. Pl advice how to deal with the situation?

Clearly and constructively express your discomfort and concern about the same to your husband, without being accusatory in your expression while mentioning your mother-in-law. Tell him that while it is most likely that your fears may never come true, and that neither of them might view the shaving as anything but a matter of convenience, the fact that sexual urges are powerful and can force all discernment out of the conscious mind, cannot be undermined.

Give him the suggestion of either you taking over the same task as the daughter-in-law, or then if you are uncomfortable with it, a lady can be employed to do the same under your supervision.

Sharing your concerns in a non-accusatory way and giving specific and workable suggestions as alternatives, which are win-win, could solve this matter.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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