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Heart To Heart

Monday, July 02, 2018

Painful penetration
I recently got married. The few times I tried to penetrate, it was extremely painful for my wife. She is reluctant to make love. It seems like something is blocking her vaginal opening. What can I do?

Many girls carry an apprehension about sexual intercourse and therefore are unable to comfortably respond during the first few experiences of intercourse. This may also happen because her emotional involvement in this relationship is not yet ripe. A woman’s sexuality is usually “heart oriented”. A woman usually gets aroused only when she is emotionally involved with the husband. Wait a little. Don’t rush things. Let her relax into this relationship. If things still do not change, then there might be a physical cause. A tight hymen also can cause this problem. For this, she requires an examination by a gynecologist.

Observation or misobservation ?!?
I am 24 years old. I live in Mumbai. I have observed that women like to have multiple physical relationships rather than one committed relationship. Why is it so that women like to have physical contact with more then one man.

You have generalized all women. It is not so in the case of all women. In fact, “one man woman” describes most women. But yes, there are many exceptions, which is so in the case of men too. You will find men who are staunchly monogamous, and also men for whom polygamy is a way of life.

The difference lies in whether the woman or man is ‘heart-oriented’ or ‘body oriented’.  A heart-oriented person feels the need to have a heart-connection with one partner, with whom he/she grows in love. Such a connection pre-supposes ‘sexual exclusivity’ as the heart-oriented person commits his/her self completely to growing together in one relationship.

On the other hand, the body-oriented person seeks a relationship merely for one’s own pleasure. And the thing about self-pleasure is that there is no satiation point. The more you have, the more you want!

We are all at different levels of evolution. The animal instinct or the auto-sexual urge keeps us at the self-pleasuring level. But as we grow and evolve and live our higher human instincts, we find in us the capacity to extend beyond ourselves in love for the other. That is the human instinct or hetero-sexual urge which wants to give to someone other than yourself.

We hope this sufficiently answers your query.

Lost interest in sex
My wife had an unfortunate abortion of around 4 to 6 weeks pregnancy. We were having sex and my condom slipped because of which she got pregnant. As we both were not ready for child at this time, so she underwent abortion. Since then she has lost interest in any physical relation with me. Is there any cure for this problem? Is there any medicines available for females to increase sexual desire?

There are no medications to increase sexual desire in women.

Your wife underwent the physical as well as psychological trauma in the process of getting pregnant when she was not ready and then getting the medical termination of pregnancy done. This has caused an apprehension in her about sex. She probably requires some more time to recover from the trauma. Have some patience! Give her some more time to come to terms with the traumatic experience that she has gone through. Be gentle and loving towards her. It will help her to recover faster and become ready for physical intimacy again.

Gratification in fantasy
My problem is that I was in love with a girl and even today whenever I am depressed or happy I project the current incidents with that girl. Though I have forgot her but still I feel her in my projected life...I mean whatever incidents took place in my day to day life I feel as if she is watching me and I do the things so as to impress her but I know the reality that she is not here with me..but still I feel her can I get rid of this problem?

Answer: You have developed a defense mechanism called “gratification in fantasy”, because the ending of your relationship with that girl was perceived by you as a threat to your self-worth and adequacy. You need to be aware of this defense mechanism and have the courage to face yourself squarely. Take active effort to mingle socially in the real world. Remember that there is a meaningful and fulfilling life without her waiting for you out there, if only you will allow yourself to be open to it. If you are still unable to move beyond your make-believe world on your own, then seek help in the form of a few sessions with a good counsellor.

Best sexual posture
for maximum pleasure
What is the most common sexual position that married couples use during intercourse? Which is the best position for maximum pleasure for both husband and wife?

There are several different sexual positions that a couple can choose to use. The most prevalent one is known as the “missionary position”, where the male partner is on top of the female partner, with face-to-face interaction. Female superior or Woman-on-top is the second most preferred sexual position.

Each sexual position facilitates an exclusive opportunity to couple for physical and emotional expression. Matters such as mood, health, body weight, age, and pregnancy can determine which position will be the most preferred one at a particular instant. Stimulation of the clitoris during intercourse is easier with the female-superior (woman-on-top) position, either sitting upright or inclining off to the left or right. Woman-on-top position also facilitates the woman to be ‘active’ whereby it is easier for her to reach to her own orgasm. A lot of couples prefer a more intimate and relaxed interaction with the face-to-face, side-by-side position, allowing each partner to have a free hand to caress the other's body. For pregnant women, the ‘spoon position’ is often more comfortable, relieving pressure from her abdomen during intercourse. So most people experiment with many positions to decide what they find most desirable.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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