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Heart To Heart

Monday, June 11, 2018

Can’t Feel Pleasure during Intercourse
I recently got married. We have started engaging in sexual intercourse, however I do not seem to enjoy it much. I do not “feel” much pleasure during intercourse. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a freak?

This is a question we frequently receive from newly married young women! You are not alone, and no… there is nothing unusually wrong with you!
Given the significance of engaging in peno-vaginal intercourse, and the manner in which it is depicted in movies, many young and old couples have quite an unrealistic expectation of it. Many young men and women expect it to be this wild and wonderful experience that includes explosion of intense pleasure. Many young women are understandably confused and puzzled when they try it a few times and do not find it as delightful and fascinating for them as they expected. They continue doing it because they believe the expected experience must be right around the corner, if only they keep trying. They have these unrealistic expectations that are never met. Everyone else is supposedly enjoying it so that must indicate there is something wrong with her if she does not. This is basically not true!

Women often enjoy sexual intercourse only after developing a closer emotional bond with their partner. They also need to be more relaxed and engage actively in a prolonged and mutually pleasurable foreplay. May be, you need to explore different ways of foreplay and communicate to your husband about what pleasures you. We suggest you engage in a longer foreplay in a relaxed state of mind and get actively involved and be fully participative while making love. With a satisfying and extended foreplay, it might be easier for you to enjoy intercourse. Moreover, adopting the woman-on-top position also increases your chances of experiencing more pleasure and even an orgasm.

Is he two-timing?
I am going steady with my boyfriend of two years. Everything was fine between us till few days back his distant cousin came between us.  She stays far away but they started writing romantic Emails and SMSs to each other. When I protested against this I was told that I am narrow minded and wrong and I should not doubt. He once called her up at night at 12 and talked with her till the morning 4. He says he loves me but then why is he getting involved with his cousin? What do I do in this situation?

Your partner obviously wants to have his cake and eat it too. And this does not seem to be going down very well with you. You have every right to feel upset about his double standards and lack of care and commitment towards you. We think you should be very explicit in your communication about how his actions make you feel. Talk about your feelings and ask him what he is going to do about it. If he understands what it is doing to you emotionally and mends his ways then it is O.K. But if he tries to say that you should not feel this way and that his actions are fine, or says that he loves you and continues in the same way, then get into couple therapy with him with any good counsellor, or if he does not agree to it, then get out of the relationship at once. You deserve better!

Aversion for Kissing
I have a rare problem: my husband doesn’t kiss me the way I like it. I desire deep kissing during lovemaking or it feels impersonal. The best he can do is a quick pucker. I try but he stiffens and pulls away and my arousal disappears. We make love often and have a two-year-old son. I feel as if my sex life is inadequate. I have tried to show him what I want but he seems totally incapable of understanding. He is a wonderful man and feels he is failing me, and rather than add to his hurt, I simply keep my mouth shut, literally! Please tell me that I don't have to live with this for the rest of my life.  

I have heard of women with your concern. There are several possibilities in such cases. Most of the time the cause is a deep-rooted psychological ‘bias’ related to kissing or even with intimacy in general, mostly due to physical and/or psychological trauma in the earlier years of his life. He may or may not be consciously aware of its origin (causative factor) in his childhood, which is hidden in his subconscious mind. May be as a child he was excessively kissed by relatives and did not like it. There is a possibility that he was sexually abused by someone that involved oral stimulation and he felt painfully helpless in that experience and despised it. Probably he is afraid of the degree of intimacy that is involved with the type of kissing you desire. Maybe the problem stems from something as simple as bad breath, real or imagined. May be he thinks he has a bad breath and doesn't want to kiss because of that, or may be he feels you have it and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. There might be many other reasons. It is possible to help him, and you as couple, if he is willing to take help from an expert. Do consult a sex counsellor who is experienced in handling such cases. He will require ‘psychoanalysis’ as well as ‘psychotherapy’ to get easy with kissing and intimacy. You don't have to live the rest of your life without being kissed!

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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