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Heart To Heart

Monday, February 05, 2018

Refractory period in men
I am 27-year-old happily married man. I am very faithful to my wife. I wish to know that how long after one ejaculation can a healthy man get a second good erection? Can second erection be as good as the first one?  

When a man is having sex, his ‘endorphin’ level is very high. Almost immediately after ejaculation, he goes through a ‘refractory phase’ in which he loses his erection, he crashes and all his systems gear down. The refractory period changes from person to person. However after the refractory period, which could be twenty minutes to a few hours, one can get an equally good erection once again. The level of second erection depends on the level of excitement and stimulation.

Get real
I am 20-year-old college students. I am sexually attracted towards a 41-year-old single woman staying in our society. Very often I masturbate fantasizing about having sex with her. I am strongly feeling like proposing real sexual relationship with her. Should I propose actual physical intimacy to her?!?!

She is 41 and you are 20. The biologically maturing man in you is feeling attracted to a biologically full-blown woman. That is a natural occurrence. But a human being is not just confined to his biology. He has been gifted with “discrimination”, something that animals do not possess. Use this power to discriminate and discern, and you will see for yourself that nurturing thoughts about this woman can only leave you psychologically de-stabilized with immense psychological scars.

There are three levels of functioning in a person ~ the level of ‘experience’, the level of ‘awareness of the experience’ and the level of ‘decision’. If you are experiencing attraction and are aware of what you are experiencing, it is OK till that point. But when you nurse and nurture this attraction in your fantasies, and also want to translate your fantasies into reality, I must say that you are walking on a “self-destructive path”.

Get out of this situation immediately. Do not nurse or nurture, but in fact ‘actively’ discourage thoughts of this woman. What you need to do is to get going in the real world and mingle with those in your age group. There are a lot of attractive young women of your age out there, if only you will come out of your internal world. Make an active effort to be available to newer ‘real’ relationships. Also focus your energies on career-building and other creative pursuits. You have a long way to go, so work towards creating a real, fulfilling and meaningful life for yourself.

Sex during pregnancy
My wife (Age 22) is pregnant for the first time. She is in her fourth month of pregnancy. I wish to know, can we have sexual intercourse while she is pregnant? If yes, is there any special precaution that I need to take? Please explain.

Intercourse during the initial six to twelve weeks of pregnancy as well as during the last eight weeks of pregnancy is not advisable. During the fourth to seventh month of pregnancy, intercourse is allowed unless you are otherwise advised for medical reasons. Avoid the missionary (man-superior) position during pregnancy. You may try ‘woman superior position’ or ‘spoon position’ so that your wife is comfortable.

Responsibility of the consequences
Since 2009 I came to know her and started meeting her. As we get closer she offered to go to a outskirt resort for weekend leading to our physical relationship. At
that time she was just 18yrs [though we already knew that we cannot marry in future as we come from different religions.] After few meetings once or twice we had unsafe sex which led to her getting pregnant. We both got scared and tried some medicines. This was in vein, as pregnancy could not be terminated. Then we decided to go for medical abortion. After that I started avoiding her. In the meantime she had already started expecting me to marry her as it becomes my moral responsibility. But keeping in view the social structure I already informed her that this is impossible. She started compelling to meet me here and there which I did for some time. Please advice keeping in view that we cannot marry at any case what are the other problems and how to act in future especially for her. She has told me if she marries somebody else she can be interrogated by him and if not then at the time of next pregnancy the Doctors may recognize that she was pregnant earlier.

With sexual freedom comes the responsibility of the consequences of that freedom, and  hope both of you have learnt this, albeit the hard way. You say that it was very clear to both of you from the beginning that the marriage is not going to take place and you are not making any change in this stance ( I will not counsel you on this issue as that is not your question . However, I would have been interested to know why in this day and age, your different backgrounds are considered a problem). Since both of you jointly and willingly engaged in unprotected sex, the responsibility to handle the problem is also joint.

Unfortunately, most people consider sex to be a physical act, and completely ignore the emotional repercussions of engaging in the act. It is not only the body but also the emotions which are involved. The scars of the body may fade with time, but what about emotional scars?

I would have liked to know whether your sexual partner/girlfriend expects you to marry her only because of the fear of being found out in future, or because she is deeply emotionally involved with you. Was her participation willing ‘casual’ sex which she is now wanting to turn into marriage for convenience, or was the involvement ‘of the heart’. My advice will vary accordingly. She should put her true feelings in words either to me at this site so that I can counsel her, or then she should see a counsellor to have a sense of direction. I also advise that she should see a gynecologist to clarify whether her fear of the first pregnancy being detected is valid or not. She may either be pleasantly surprised to know that after a period of time the uterus reverts back to its pre-pregnancy state, or then her fear will be confirmed. Therefore, it is better if she takes the opinion of a gynecologist on this issue.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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