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Heart To Heart

Monday, January 29, 2018

Extramarital attraction
I am working at a very senior position in my office. I have the most beautiful and caring wife and I am Happily married with 2 kids. No problems at home front.My problem is that i have a strong urge to have sex with another woman (not my wife). Any woman between 16 to 33 i feel i should go to bed with her. It could be with the a young female doctor treating me or my wife’s friend, my colleague. Soceital pressure and fear of bad name has prevented me so far. But the urge is growing everyday. Please help.

There are 3 levels of functioning in a person ~ the level of ‘experience’ , the level of ‘awareness of the experience’ and the level of ‘decision’. If you are experiencing attraction and are aware of what you are experiencing it is okay uptil that point. But when you nurse and nurture this attraction and also want to translate your fantasies into reality, I must say that you are walking on a “self-destructive path”. If you need to look outside your marriage for fulfillment of your emotional needs and now physical needs too, then it is a sure indicator that there is a problem in the marriage, however much you may deny it. There could be something that you need and are not getting either because you have not expressed it ,or else your wife is not willing to fulfill these needs. However at this point, I must specify that there is a difference between a ‘need’ and a ‘want’, which brings us to the other reason for looking outside your marriage, i.e.  if your legitimate and valid ‘needs’ are being fulfilled, but your ‘wants’ and ‘desires’ are not being fulfilled. If so then you need to explore why you are driven  to put your marriage at risk and perhaps even sacrifice the happiness of your family ( beautiful and caring wife and two kids ) at the altar of your desires. Very often such compulsive behavior has its roots in your past. For this your psycho-sexual history needs to be explored.

I would strongly recommend that you see a counsellor at your earliest, so that you can gain in clarity about yourself and the direction of your life. Do not make any decision without such clarity or else you may spend a lifetime regretting the choices that you have made.

How to better the frequency of sex
I am 26 and my husband is 30. Both of us are working and doing well in our careers. When we return home late in the evening, we both are extremely tired and lack the energy and enthusiasm to indulge in sexual relationship in the night. We are both attracted towards each other. We are not having any affairs outside. However the frequency of our sexual intercourse is very low. What do we do to enhance our sex life?

At the outset, let me say that it is not necessary to have sex only at night. In fact after a whole day’s work one may want to only retire and sleep. Much energy is used during the daytime in working, travelling etc. Therefore there may not be enough energy left by the time you go to bed. Sex needs a lot of energy, enthusiasm and interest. So what is happening with both of you is natural and physiological. The best time in your case would be to have sex early in the morning. After a good night’s sleep, when your body-mind has rested well and you are rejuvenated, you can enter into the sexual act with great vigor and passion. It may have probably never occurred to you to make love in the early hours of the morning. I have known many couples who prefer to make love on waking up in the morning.

I would also like to add that it is not the quantity but the “quality” of love making that matters. You could also take short holidays or weekend breaks to be with each other.

Sex during menses
I am 23 years old married woman. My husband is 27 years old. We are married for three months. I wish to know, how safe or unsafe it is to indulge in sexual intercourse during menses? If we indulge in intercourse during menses, will it affect our health in any manner?

Biologically, sexual intercourse during the menses is not at all unsafe. If both partners are comfortable and willing, then they can have sexual intercourse during the menses without affecting their health. However, from the cleanliness point of view, it may not be very aesthetic to have intercourse during the menstrual flow.

Burning in urine after sex
We are a married couple. We maintain highest standards of hygiene during intercourse. However, whenever we perform intercourse after a long gap my wife gets severe burning in urine.  Our family doctor says, it is urinary infection. Help!

Mechanical rubbing during intercourse can cause urethral inflammation in females. In spite of all the so-called hygienic precautions, infection can enter the inflamed urethra and bladder causing urinary infection.

This is a common complaint known as ‘honeymoon urethritis’. Whenever there is a ‘gap’, excitement levels are high. This causes aggressive movements and harder rubbing of organs. An aggressive mechanical rubbing during intercourse causes this problem. Try to be gentle during intercourse. Women enjoy it better that way. Also engage in prolonged (20-25 minutes) and mutually satisfying foreplay. This will produce adequate lubrication in her vagina for an enjoyable intercourse. Lack of lubrication (which is likely to be either due to a lack of interest, lack of relaxation during the act or lack of adequate foreplay) can also be the cause of urethral (or even vaginal) injury and inflammation.

Safe frequency of sex
We are married for eight months. My husband has some different nature. He wants to have sex daily 3 or 4 times. Is it safe to have sex that often?

As far as safety is concerned, that is not a problem. But are you comfortable with it physically and emotionally? That is the issue. Sex should be a mutually pleasurable activity and a sharing of intimacy. If it is not so for you then you need to have a frank talk with him about how you feel about it ,or then both of you could see a sex counsellor. If he cares for you , both of you will be able to negotiate and come up with a win-win situation , where both of you are appropriately satisfied.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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