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Heart To Heart

Monday, January 15, 2018

Correct age for sex education
I am a 25-year-old mother. I do not want to make any mistakes while parenting my 2-year-old son and therefore I need some guidance. I wish to know, when exactly do children start becoming curious about sex?

Children are human beings and therefore sexual beings. All human beings are ‘normally’ sexual. From the very infancy children have curiosity about their own bodies, which is absolutely normal and healthy. It is difficult for parents to acknowledge this, just as it is hard for children to think of their parents as sexually active.

Young children often touch themselves when they are naked, such as in the bathtub or while being wiped and diapered. They have no modesty at this stage of their development. It is their parent's reaction that tells them whether their actions are acceptable or not. Children should never be berated or made to feel ashamed of being interested in their own bodies. It is absolutely natural and normal for children to be interested in their own bodies. While some parents may choose to casually ignore self-touching, others may choose to acknowledge that, while they know it feels good, it is a private matter. Parents can simply make it clear to children that they expect the child to keep that activity strictly private.

Loss of sexual interest
I have been married for last seven years to a very caring lady. She was responsive to my sexual needs during first 5-6 years. For last few months she lost interest in love and gives any stupid reason for avoiding sex. I openly told to her about my needs and what I expect from her. Still she could not respond. She openly accepts that she is not fulfilling the needs. She cares about me a lot. Due to shortage in fulfilling the need of sex, I often get off-line and cannot concentrate my professional development. Kindly help.

It is important to explore the reason for her changed response.

Is it because she has been left unsatisfied or has had painful experiences of the sexual act with you? Is it because of fear of pregnancy? Is it because she disapproves of the kind of sexual behavior you demand? Is it because she considers the sexual act as sinful, dirty etc. due to some newly acquired religious reasons? Is it because she has unresolved emotional issues with you and so cannot give in to intimacy without resolving them? Is she unwell? Is she overworked and too busy with the home and children? Is she involved with someone else? All this needs to be explored with your wife. I suggest that both of you have a session with a good sex counsellor to reach to the bottom of the matter.

Fear of Exam
I am a good student with good academic record; however I suffer from fear of examinations. What can I do to eradicate this fear of exams?  Please guide!

Trying to achieve neurotic ‘perfection’ very often leads to anxiety feelings. If you are sincerely putting in regular study hours ( not last minute studying ) as per a set time-table, you will be prepared to the ‘best of your ability’. Remember, you can never do more than ‘your best’, and you should never do less than ‘your best’. That means you are not to compare your preparation and performance with anyone else. Just ‘do your best and leave the rest’.

Sexual Dilemma
I am a 28 yrs guy and was married 4 yrs back. I have married to a girl who was richer than me and my parents forced me for the marriage. She is not very good looking. After three years of our marriage I came to know that she is having relationship with many others besides me, before and even after my marriage and she is continuing the same.

I am very nervous, I had a talk with her several times, but she doesn’t give any firm commitment. I have a son 2 yrs old and I cannot divorce her also for the future of my son. I do not want to have sex with her, but I don’t know I am not been able to control myself as a result of which she is overconfident that I cannot leave her and she is continuing flirting.

Advice me what can I do to prevent having sex with her. We are staying in a joint family and hence we have to sleep in the same room. No body in our family is aware of this kindly help.

You are physically indulging with a woman with whom you are emotionally repulsed. This situation, if it continues, will lead to a an inner crisis in you, which can then be disastrous, as it will either end in external aggression ( violence ) or internal aggression ( depression ). Your self-worth and self-esteem is at stake out here. You need to:

1. see a marriage counsellor with your wife as soon as possible
2. be assertive and ask her to make a choice between you and her sexual exploits
3. reflect on the fact that it would  be better for your son to stay with one parent who is at peace with himself / herself instead of two parents who have no emotional connection at all

Look before you leap
I am 19 yrs old. I was in love with a girl when I was 17. She broke up with me after 1 year. Now she is involved with other boy. He has had sex with her, have taken snaps of her in those poses and now blackmailing her for having money & sex with his friend. She is asking my help in this matter. If I intervene they could let her go. I could not forget her behaviour at the time she had dumped me. What should I do?

Your ex girlfriend has got herself into quite a mess and is counting on your chivalry to get her out of it. If it is ‘only’ a matter of your putting in a word to help her out of this mess, then you could be a good Samaritan and do that, but if it requires getting ‘emotionally’ involved with the girl and ‘excessively’ involved in the issue, then you should think twice, as this could be emotionally distressing for you, and you can very well do without that kind of psychological upheaval.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
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Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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