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Heart To Heart

Monday, January 08, 2018

Patience is a virtue
I am engaged and want my fiancé to be frank and friendly with me I wanted to talk to her and wanted to know what does she thinks about sex? Etc... But I am afraid to speak to her frankly that she would get me wrong. What should I do so that she can trust me and speak to without any fear. I want her to be frank and friendly with me that’s it.

Patience is a virtue, and in sexual matters you could reap rich dividends in the form of a satisfying sexual life, merely by being patient.

You say you are engaged and I presume that it is an arranged alliance. If so then it would take quite some time for the girl to ‘feel’ close to you as you are a stranger who has entered her life out of the blue. In a love marriage, closeness and intimacy develops before the engagement.  Therefore, give her as much time as she needs and focus on being a ‘good friend’ to her. If on the other hand you rush things, she could get put-off, and the relationship could start on a wrong footing. The sexuality of a woman is predominantly heart-centred. She needs to feel emotionally close to you before she shares any kind of intimacy with you. I would advise you to go slow as she maybe feeling shy and awkward. Instead, you could win her heart by befriending her, and gently romancing her. Gradually, as she starts knowing you and as she starts liking and loving who you are, she will ‘feel’ close and intimate towards you, and would probably send ‘feelers’ in the form of a touch, holding of hands or even verbally. This is the moment when her ‘heart is engaged’ to yours ~ and let me tell you it will be worth the wait. And when this happens, she will be more than willing to share intimacy with you

What is flirting?
I want to know that what is ‘Flirting’, I mean if you are on friendly terms with a girl, I just want to know that how can I flirt, what exactly it means and how it is done, plz answer me, I will be very grateful to you.

Flirting is nothing else but ‘deliberately giving the impression’ to a girl that you are interested in being ‘much more than her friend’. This could get the girl involved and interested in you, based on your flirting skills (if she is looking out for a casual relationship ),or on the other hand, it could put her off completely (if she is looking out for a genuine, committed relationship ). Also a vulnerable girl may mistake your flirting game for your genuine interest in her, and you may land up hurting an innocent person.
Unfortunately, a flirt develops the reputation ‘once a flirt always a flirt’ (much like the story of the shepherd who falsely called out ‘wolf’ and was disregarded when the wolf truly came), and when he is looking for a serious relationship, no one takes him seriously.

As far as training you in flirting is concerned, I am no expert in it.

Dangerous technique
My husband is suffering from Erectile Dysfunction (ED); so while doing intercourse he puts his penis in a 40 mm width & 4 inches long glass test tube. Then he inserts this test tube in my vagina. Every time he does like this, I feel severe pain for about 2-3 minutes; but after that I enjoy very much for about 15 to 20 minutes. We have been indulging in this type of sexual act for about one month. Sir, can it be harmful for me? Can it damage my internal organs?

The act you are indulging in, has some potential dangers. The test tube that you are using is made of  “glass” and may break accidentally during the act causing serious injury to your genitals. Glass test tubes are not very thick and strong and are not manufactured for this purpose. It is also very difficult for a flaccid (non-erect) penis to grip the test tube in a position to allow intercourse to happen without difficulties. I advise you to stop this practice immediately before you hurt yourself during the act. If your husband is suffering from erectile dysfunction, I wonder why he is not getting himself treated. Erectile dysfunction is a treatable condition in a majority of cases, and he should approach a qualified sexologist for help.

When I was 18 yrs old, my sister was at 16 yrs. I have seen my sister wearing Bra and Panty several times. Very frequently I was doing masturbation by thinking that one. Now my sister got married but I am doing masturbation by remembering those scenes. I am going to plan for marrying. I am fearing. Should consult with my sister. I feel very bad also. Please advice me.

You have developed a sexual fixation, a ‘Paraphilia’, which definitely needs to be treated through psychotherapy. A Paraphilia is a condition in which a person’s sexual arousal and satisfaction depends on a fantasy theme of an unusual sexual experience that becomes the main focus of his sexual behavior. Masturbation per se is physiologically harmless, however, masturbation with ‘inappropriate fantasy’ can cause serious harm to one’s psyche. I recommend you to approach a sex counsellor who has adequate training in treating such cases. Psychotherapy helps in such cases, however much depends on the ‘expertise’ of the therapist and the ‘willingness’ of the patient to make a change towards healthier sexual behaviors.

Post-Marital Healthiness
I have noticed one thing that when a girl gets married she looks healthy, some weight is put on her body. These physical changes occurs in few weeks or few month. Is it true that this positive reaction is just because of sex or there is some other reason for it?

It is not due to sex. It is possible that those girls who have a tendency to put on weight but have been restricting their food intake before marriage to appear trim, suddenly throw caution to the winds and let loose after marriage. And the marriage celebrations and dinner invitations after the marriage make it so much more easier to put on weight, especially in India.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I am engaged and want my fiancé to be frank and f
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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