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Heart To Heart

Monday, December 04, 2017

Premature ejaculation
I am 23 years... whenever I see any porn movies or any exciting sexual scene, my penis ejaculates before getting even proper erection. Is this a kind of deficiency? I will be getting married by the end of this year.  

What is happening with you is not a physical problem, but a “learning disability”. It is one form of “premature ejaculation”. There are no medical causes for premature ejaculation. It is essentially of a psycho-behavioral origin.

Ejaculating early is invariably a learned reflex response that can be effectively reconditioned when a man actively pursues learning ejaculation control during masturbation. You need to increase your awareness of the sensations of arousal building so that you can identify the level of your arousal.

Secondly, awareness of sensations of arousal and ejaculatory control can be learned by a following a step-by-step process using techniques such as stop-start technique. Besides techniques, certain ‘exercises for sphincter control’ and ‘use of condom’ may help in some cases.

Restraint in sex
I am 22 and my fiancé is 27. We are planning to get married sometime next year. Recently he suggested that we live together until then, but we should refrain from any genital sex. He says that we could engage only in petting and caressing. I am a bit suspicious and concerned about this restraint by him. What I know of men and male sexuality is that men find it very difficult to exercise restraint in sex. Kindly explain.

If you love each other, if you are sexually attracted to each other, if you have the freedom and privacy to get physically intimate... then it may be very difficult to refrain from going ahead with intercourse. Physical intimacy may sexually arouse both of you to such an extent that it may become tormenting to avoid intercourse.

I wonder what is stopping you from getting married earlier!

There may be a deeper cause in the mind of your fiancé for avoiding intercourse. It may be related to performance anxiety or a self-doubt related to penis size or erectile ability. It could also be related to fear of pregnancy or even religious beliefs. It will be better if both of you could openly discuss this matter personally or with the help of a good sex counsellor.

Inner unrest
I am really very uneasy and disturbed. I started liking one girl in my class since few months. I think and fantasize about her often. She is single and very beautiful. She does not respond to me and will also be shifting to another town with her family. This is causing a lot of pain in my heart. The whole atmosphere at my home is also sad as my parents don’t get along and fight openly and bitterly.  I need someone to love in my life. What should I do?

I can feel the agony in your words. It is clear that you are not happy with the environment at home and are looking for a ‘home away from home’, which is why you are so emotionally needy of a relationship. It is also very clear that this girl you talk about is not responding to your overtures. Therefore, pursuing her in reality or in fantasy will get you nowhere except ‘down in the dumps’. Let her go. It is now imperative that you create a life for yourself, which will increase your self-worth. ‘Beauty is not skin deep’ – every person is endowed with unique qualities, which need to be fully utilized to make a unique contribution to society. You are no exception. Therefore, get going and be ‘the best of who you can be’. Educate yourself, identify your talents and get training to exploit them to the maximum, remain socially active by taking some courses, doing some community work and participating in group activities in college and even otherwise. In this way you will increase your self-worth and get out of your ‘neediness’. Also, try to understand and forgive your parents for the family atmosphere as they are living in the only way they know how to live. This will free you of the inner unrest that you are experiencing, and keep you in the right ‘space’ to welcome a companion in your life. Don’t be in a hurry. Wait for the one who likes you for who you are. In the meantime, move towards being the best of who you can be.

Relationship brings responsibilities
I met a girl last year in June when I joined my computer institute. Actually she is the younger sister of the counselor of that institute and at that time I had a little chat with her. And I really liked the confidence and her charming nature and I got attracted to her but could not tell her since our class timings were different and I didn’t have time to come during her timing. So thts why I somehow got her mail id and told her everything about what I feel about her...and she accepted my friendship and replied to all my mails...but now her course is complete and she no more comes to institute... Well rite now she is out of station and will come may be in December...and I want to know how to deal with her because her status is far better than mine and she is so confident and I really don’t know when she will come in front of me then how should I react...please doctor help me by telling that how should I react and what gift should I give to her when she will return.

I have no inkling of your age, but since you mention the computer institute, I presume that you are in the career-building phase of your life. You have also mentioned the difference in status. As far as having a friendship is concerned there seems to be no real problem as she has so far been responding positively to all your friendly overtures via email. However, if you are thinking of a more seriously involved long-term relationship then you need to focus on career-building very seriously. Remember, every relationship brings responsibilities with it. Your difference in status is very real and though money does not buy happiness, it is definitely a necessity in the real world. Therefore, you can continue your friendship but start including your career plans in your conversations. Let her see that you are a responsible and mature person who understands the responsibilities of life. If she has a liking for you, then such meaningful and responsible conversations could warm her up to the possibility of a long-term relationship with you in spite of the current difference in status.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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