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Heart To Heart

Monday, November 13, 2017

Fear of condom
We are married since a few months. I am 21+ and my husband is 25+. We want to avoid pregnancy at least for one year. Whenever my husband uses a condom it grips me with a fear that if a condom comes off during sexual intercourse, it might get lost inside my body. Can such a thing happen? If yes, is it a major problem?

If a condom does come off when a couple has sexual intercourse and slips into the vagina, the woman can easily reach into her vagina with her fingers and pull it out. It does not enter the uterus or the body.

The vagina is almost like a blind pouch with a very narrow collapsed passage into the uterus which cannot allow the condom to go beyond that point. Moreover, a condom is too large an object to get lost into the vagina.  

Phimosis and circumcision
I am 27-year-old educated guy and will get married in a few months. I have never had sex with anyone. I am truly a virgin. I have noticed that I cannot pull back foreskin on my penis properly. Is that a problem? What do I do?

Ideally the foreskin needs to get retracted on an erect penis, enough to expose the whole of the glans-penis. This may either happen on its own on full erection or one may have to do it manually before penetration. Both ways it is normal and fine. If the retraction of the foreskin is not possible or painful, then it is a medical condition known as “Phimosis”. This condition requires a minor surgery known as "Circumcision". However this can be decided only after a physical examination.

There is always the concern of a person developing paraphimosis (a painful surgical condition) if the foreskin is getting retracted incompletely. So, I would advise that you get yourself examined by a surgeon.

Does he really love me?
Does my partner love me? Everything was going fine between us but certainly one day her cousin came between us, she stays far away but they started writing romantic letters to each other. When I protested against this I was told that I 'm wrong. Then he called her up at night at 12 & talked till the morning at 4, after this he certainly came back & told me that he loves me.... but still he keeps on writing to & talking to her what all this is? Does he really love me? Sometimes I really doubt about but the number of times I tried to talk to him about this. The number of times he tries to explain me but at the end we end up terribly. What all this is?

Your partner obviously wants to have his cake and eat it too. And this does not seem to be going down very well with you. You have every right to feel upset about his double standards and lack of care and commitment towards you. I think you should be very explicit in your communication about how his actions make you feel. Talk about your feelings and ask him what he is going to do about it. If he understands what it is doing to you emotionally and mends his ways then it is O.K. But if he tries to say that you should not feel this way and that his actions are fine, or says that he loves you and continues in the same way, then get into couple therapy with him with any good counsellor, or if he does not agree to it, then get out of the relationship at once. You deserve better.

Anxiety about erection
I am 26-year-old man and in love with my girlfriend who is 25. We love each other a lot and would like to get married after a year. I refrain from making sexual overtures with my partner because I fear that I will not be able to have an erection. This is affecting the relationship adversely. Please help me.

Anxiety about impotence ranks first in order of prevalence, in all the sexual fears that men have. Ironically, the fear itself is the greatest cause of impotence. In 90% cases of impotencies, the cause is stemming from the mind (psychogenic). It is only in 10% cases that the cause is biological.

Just as it is not possible to make saliva, tears and digestive juices flow, similarly there is no possible way a man can ‘will’ himself to have an erection. These things happen on their own in response to situations and circumstances. If one involves oneself in ‘relaxed’ foreplay, without ‘spectatoring’ at the organ (waiting for the erection to happen), the erection happens on its own accord. Behind the fear of failure to get an erection is a fundamental anxiety – the fear of being rejected. The partner’s patient understanding and co-operation plays a very important role in getting over such psychogenic impotence.

You will never know until you ask
I am 21 year boy. I am studying in the college and quite popular among girls but I am somewhat of shy nature, a girl knows me from the past 2-3 years and is interested in me and I am hesitant to make the first move from the last few years but I keep staring at them I wanted to ask you that will it be appropriate to go to a girl after 3 years of knowing her and tell that I like her. What do you think, now it’s too late or still I have a chance.

Well, you will never know until you ask her, will you? It is never too late to give a voice to your feelings. As far as your chances are concerned, who can tell! Life comes to those who live it! For all you know she maybe waiting for you to express your feelings. But if this is not so, then at least you would have known. That will leave you free to move on.

Love is the master key
I love this girl. I know we like each other a lot and spend good amount of time with each other. I am 27 and she is 26. I wish to know, how to ignite her passion? Is there any technique or method that would not fail?

Lighting a flame of love in her heart is a sure shot way to passion. If you are loving and caring in your relationship with her and share a great deal of warmth, it does not take any learning for the warmth to change into passion. On the other hand, if your relationship is a selfish one, you will always be running out of techniques to ignite passion, as every method will lose its charm soon. The only thing that keeps the passion alive forever is LOVE.

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We are married since a few months. I am 21+ and m
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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