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Heart To Heart

Monday, November 06, 2017

Duration of Intercourse
I am a 26-year-old educated man from Pune working in a banking sector. I will be getting married soon with a girl from our cast (Pathare-Prabhu) who is 20. It is going to be an arranged marriage. I want to know, for an average male of my age, how long should a sexual intercourse last to satisfy the female partner?

It is a matter of mutual “satisfaction”. Only you and your partner can determine this. Knowing about others and trying to find out about the “average”, will only give you an ‘unnecessary’ complex. Moreover, often, men tend to exaggerate their claims of going on for a long time, thus leading to complexes in others. This complex will be detrimental to your sexual performance and to your relationship. Therefore, relax and enjoy your very own ‘normal’ duration with your partner.

Love is caring about the other
I am in love with a girl madly since class 8 and from her looks and way of talking in appeared that she loved me. I had her phone number and rang her up in spite of her asking me not to do so. I hope her parents guessed the matter out as they both knew me. Since then she has refused to talk to me and has said that she is not interested in me. I have pleaded with her but to no use. Please tell me how to restore the relation. I can't live without her. We are both in college (1st year) now.

First of all both of you are way too young. You have very correctly written ‘it appeared that she loved me’. So you are willing to re-evaluate your interpretation of her ‘way of talking’. That is good.  

You have also acknowledged that you went against her ‘specific wishes’ to not call her. I am sure you can understand if she is upset and angry with you. Not respecting her wishes amounts to not respecting her i.e. what you want is more important to you than what she needs. It is possible that she has been placed in an uncomfortable situation at home due to your actions as both of you are so young. If she is part of an orthodox family then the situation could be worse. I think a sincere apology is in order. Remember ~ Love is caring about the other more than yourself.

Wife Avoiding Intimacy
I am 25 and my wife is 21. We are married for over one year. How can I change a wife who always finds excuses to evade physical intimacy on the pretext of being busy? We used to have sexual intercourse earlier but since last six months there has been no sexual contact between us. Please help!

It is important to understand why she needs to evade physical intimacy. Is it because she has been left unsatisfied or has had painful experiences of the sexual act with you? Is it because of fear of pregnancy? Is it because she disapproves of the kind of sexual behavior you demand? Is it because she considers the sexual act as sinful, dirty etc.? Is it because she has been a victim of sexual abuse? Is it because she has unresolved emotional issues with you and so cannot give in to intimacy without resolving them? Is she unwell? Is she overworked and too busy with the home and children? Is she involved with someone else?

Does she have lesbian tendencies?

All this needs to be explored with your wife. I suggest that both of you have a session with a good relationship counsellor to reach to the bottom of the matter.

Never Got the Chance to Say Those Words
I am faced with a queer problem. Well I had an on-off relationship with a woman but never really got the chance to say those words. And now she was on the verge of getting along with someone else just when the stuff broke down. Do you think time is right for me to move in? If yes, how 'coz I won't say the obvious upfront.

Well if you don’t say the words even now (which is presuming you still want to say them), when will you? At the same time you don’t want her getting into a relationship with you on the rebound. Therefore, making your feelings known to her is as important as giving her time to be ready for another relationship.
You could express your feelings and tell her that you would respect and understand if she needed to take some time before she responds to you in a Yes or a No.

Re-Define The Meaning Of Love
I am in a peculiar fix. I've been happily married for five years now. However, I have not married my first love – situations changed & I lost faith that he loved me. Now call it fate, I met him again accidentally. He stays in a different town and I do not meet him but I miss him. Not that I do not love my husband but I feel some feelings for him too. Is it possible to love two persons at the same time? Should I be in touch with him thro' phonecalls or mails just as a friend? I'm perplexed. Help me.

You say that you had felt that your first love did not love you and therefore you broke up. Well, the affair ended there but probably your self-image could not take it. Your current feelings for your first love are nothing but a need to massage your injured pride. You want to feel that he cares for YOU. You need to re-define the meaning of love in order to live a meaningful life.

True love is thinking of what you can give to your beloved. “It is in giving that you receive”. You say that you are happily married, so I presume that your physical and emotional needs are fulfilled in this relationship. In that case you seem to be taking your husband’s love for granted and are thinking only of yourself and what you want. Don’t you think that’s a wee bit selfish? As far as keeping in touch with your old flame is concerned I do not think it is a very good idea. You would be lying to yourself if you said that it is only for friendship. Try giving in love instead of receiving and you will find great joy and fulfillment in your married life. In case you are still unable to resolve your feelings and find clarity in your life, I would strongly suggest that you see a psychotherapist.

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I am a 26-year-old educated man from Pune working
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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