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Heart To Heart

Monday, October 16, 2017

Never judge a book by its cover
I am a student at an engineering college in India and shall be going for higher studies to the usa two years later. The thing is I now feel a real need of a good friend in my life (I don't know why my heart says -it should be a girl, may be I am getting a bit sexual or because I’m influenced by my friends, those who have girlfriends, I really don't know) but this is for sure that I really need somebody to share my feelings. It is not that I am in a great state of depression; it's just what I feel about these days. Now, the problem is I am a guy really hating girls, means I can't tolerate the stupid girls here at my place at least. I just can't talk to them and their presence makes me feel awkward. I don't have a personal enmity with any girl still I abhor girls. I think they all are not worth calling girls (I feel the same for most of the girls I have met, having extreme pride for their beauty and sexuality). In such a situation what should I do? Approach a girl (or wait for the one God has made for me. -the advice somebody gave my before) I really can't understand the feeling I have, a complex pinching one indeed. I really can't understand why such a felling aroused in my heart but it has and I request a healing advice.

I can feel the agony in your question. First of all, it is very normal and natural at your age to have sexual feelings, and of course these feelings very naturally include a girl. You also talk of an emotional need of a confidante in your life, someone with whom you can be yourself and share your innermost thoughts. This need is also very normal as man is not only a physical being but also an emotional being. However, a life partner who fits the bill physically and emotionally, will not suddenly fall into your lap nor can you go shopping for one. What you need to do is to remain open and continue to be socially accessible i.e. besides remaining in contact with girls in your college or where you live, you could take up some short courses like public speaking, personality development, also music or computer classes, theatre workshops etc. The point is to increase your social circle so that the right person has an opportunity to enter your life. (If nothing else, you will gain in knowledge, skills, creative satisfaction and lots of new friends). Also ‘never judge a book by its cover’. That means your impression of girls seems to be based on appearances or some minimal interaction. Very often girls are also awkward at this age. It is possible that if you keep your judgment aside, and get to know them better in an unbiased way, you may find your initial impression changing with some of them. So keep your attitude aside and mingle around ~ the girl of your dreams is sure to be out there somewhere.

Morning sex
It is said that the morning is a better time to have sex. Do you agree with it? If yes, can you give any scientific reason to justify this suggestion?

There are a number of reasons that make the morning a clear winner ~

The testosterone hormone level in males is higher in the morning.

For both men and women, there are higher levels of growth hormone and more energy after a night of good sleep/rest.

Often a man awakes with a full urinary bladder. This compresses the venous blood return and prevents blood escaping away from the penis. As a result, many men experience spontaneous erections in the morning.

Sex in the night is invariably after the dinner. After dinner, very aptly the blood flow to the digestive system is predominant. Good sex needs good flow of blood towards sex organs. This is achieved better in the morning, as stomachs are empty.

Communicating your desires
My husband is very caring and respectful towards me in every area of our life together, including sex. My problem is that I dream of an aggressive man who makes mad, passionate love to me. I hesitate to express this to him, as he has given me every luxury of life and is a true gentleman. What should I do?
As in all other areas of a relationship, it is extremely important to ‘communicate’ to your husband your sexual desires, albeit in a manner that is not threatening to his ‘manhood’. It is best if you communicate your needs to him in a friendly, non-complaining manner, or else it could be self-defeating. Avoid sounding demanding, critical or accusatory. A good understanding of each other’s needs through free and frank communication, is key to a fulfilling relationship. Also the openness and readiness to experiment with each other can enhance the sexual pleasure for both. It is possible that your husband himself might enjoy a “mad, passionate” encounter with you, but may be concerned about how you would take to it, and your communication could free him of any restraint that he might be observing. As he is so caring towards you, your communication will further help him to understand you and your needs. However remember, that you too need to understand and fulfill his needs in this relationship.

Sex & emotional relationship
I got married three months ago, and I share a very nice emotional connect with my husband. I was just wondering, if frequent sex will harm our emotional relationship?

The frequency of sex has to be such that both agree to it and mutually enjoy it. If that is so, then physical intimacy in fact cements the relationship further. However, if sex is compelled or forced by one on the other, then it could contaminate the emotional intimacy. Your question seems to come from some myth that you are carrying about sex in marriage. Remember, that the relationship of man and wife is different from all other relationships because of the emotional and physical intimacy they share. If you say you already share a wonderful emotional intimacy with your husband, then the culmination of such intimacy is very naturally physical intimacy. Enjoy your marital bliss!

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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