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Heart To Heart

Monday, October 09, 2017

Alcohol and sexual inhibition

I am a 34-year-old married woman. I find that I lose much of my sexual inhibition whenever I am under the influence of alcohol. Is this normal?
A few medical studies have been conducted on this subject and the results are rather puzzling. The largest study conducted on non-alcoholic women concluded that “female initiated sexual activity occurred twice as often without alcohol versus with alcohol”. This appears to be the opposite of what one would expect. Another study found that “the higher the blood-alcohol-level the greater the depressant effect on the orgasmic response, with longer time required to attain orgasm and reduced intensity of the sexual feeling”. The same study also revealed that with alcohol there was greater arousal and pleasure accompanied with orgasm. Very evidently, this is quite contradictory. Common sense suggests that most of our inhibitions get lessened with alcohol, so why should your sexual inhibitions be any different!

In my opinion, much would also depend on the quality and the quantity of alcoholic drink consumed. A small quantity may help one to relax and lose the inhibitions and larger quantities might have a depressant effect on the sexual responses.  

Sex drive at thirty

I read in a magazine that statistically it is found that a woman's sex drive is at its peak when she reaches 30. I can vouch for the fact that at 33 I think about sex more often and more intensely than I have ever in my entire lifetime. Is my sex drive about to go on a decline from now on?
The sex drive statistics come from Dr. Alfred Kinsey, the famous sexuality researcher who learned that women had more sexual outlets and more orgasms in their thirties than at any other time in their lives. This may be due to many reasons, including the fact that women in their thirties become more at ease and comfortable with their bodies and with their body responses. Their orgasms become more reliable. They often have more confidence, and are more comfortable with their sexuality. They have a good sense of their needs, and are willing to communicate their needs to their partner more clearly and completely. Since they are familiar with their body responses, they can describe what exactly they desire to their partner more openly and comfortably.

Each sexual being is unique and the period during which the sexual drive increases, peaks and decreases, varies. No one but you knows better about your body and its needs.

Enjoy your sexual energy and your wonderful thirties. Contrary to what others may think, it is nott all downhill from here. As we grow older, what we may lose in frequency, we gain in quality.

Treated like a ‘disposable’ object
I’m an 18yr old and I’m studying. I know my boyfriend since 2 yrs now, im really serious about him but the problem is that he is not going to get married to me as he's a foreigner who has many family restrictions, although i understand that marriage is too early a thing to decide right now but im really depressed by the way he behaves, he says he doesn’t love me, when I ask him "what’s the need of this relation?", he tells that’s because he's a human! Besides he's going to leave India after 2 yrs when his studies gets over. Please help me out of this as to what i should do.

I am assuming that the relationship is physical, and he has made it amply clear that that is all it is going to be, as he ‘does not love you’. You have tried to delude yourself that it could be more than a physical relationship for the last two years, and your illusory world is being broken by his crude but frank communication, thus the depression in you. You are a young Indian girl, who is raised with values of being in a committed relationship and integrating love and sex, but obviously he does not conform to those values. It is unfortunate that you have engaged in intimacy, because though for you it is not casual, it is so for him. The wisest course for you now is to step out of your illusions and allow this reality to sink in. The sooner you end this relationship, the better off you will be emotionally, in the long run. If you continue to hang on to him, in spite of  the clear signals from his side, then you are in for prolonged heartache. I also recommend that you see a counselor to identify why you have allowed yourself to be in a relationship in which you are treated like a ‘disposable’ object. You might have to deal with deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, which make you vulnerable to such relationships, and heal yourself so that you do not find yourself in such a relationship again. You are young and have a long life ahead of you. Let this experience leave you wiser.

When he is not affectionate

I got married in Jan, this year. Ours was an arranged marriage. Everything is going perfect, at least from an outsiders’ perspective. My husband is a nice and a caring man, I think he does care about me. But, I don’t think he is in love with me. He’s not affectionate enough; he never wants to talk and always seems irritated to answer my questions or spend some alone time together. How do I get through to him? How do I improve the relationship between us?
The fact that yours is an arranged marriage means that there is no great emotional intimacy between both of you as yet. If both of you have shared interests like music, reading, sports, trekking, arts etc. it could create some common ground to share your thoughts. You could also try to discover his interests, participate in his hobbies and show interest in his work etc. This could open up a dialogue in an area in which he willingly participates. You could also gently broach the subject of wanting to get to know him better in order to share companionship with him, without whining and complaining. You say he cares for you. This is a good place to start. If you can be a good friend to him, it is possible that he will warm up to this relationship enough to fulfill your relationship needs.

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A few medical studies have been conducted on this
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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