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Heart To Heart

Monday, October 02, 2017

Want a Chance to Make it up
In one of your earlier answers you had suggested that, my wife and me should meet a sex therapist. But, the problem here is that she is not willing to meet anyone and she does not want a relationship with me. If there is some misunderstanding about sex, why does she hesitate to meet the doctor? It is again confirmed that she does not have any other relationship. She behaves differently with her own parents when they take up the issue with her. She has also not revealed anything to her friends. How should her parents convince her to visit a doctor? I am not on talking terms with her at this point of time. i would appreciate a reply for the query.

Her unwillingness to subject herself to any kind of joint therapy with you is a major obstacle. She seems to be tremendously put off with the encounters with you. It is important to get her to talk about it. Communication is the only way out. Arranging a meeting with her and telling her that you want to take responsibility for your contribution to the problem and that you are ready to make a change for the better, could probably open her to communication with you. You need to be very gentle and understanding towards her as she seems to be very traumatized by some behavior of yours. You could apologize for the pain caused during your attempt at intercourse and say that you want a chance to make it up to her if only she gives this marriage a second chance. Your admittance of inadequate knowledge of female sexuality and your apology could soften her stance.

Father Factor
I proposed to a girl who is also interested in marrying me. In fact loves me too! She fears her dad 'may' not allow her to marry me as he is "unpredictable". She herself was not able to understand him! So what can we do to go ahead and marry?

You have not specified your age and the girl’s age, so I presume that both of you are of the ‘right age’ to marry, which means that both of you have completed your academic education, well established in your respective careers and are able to financially support yourselves. Marriage is a serious commitment and both the partners must be ‘willing and able’ to shoulder all the responsibilities that come along with it. Therefore if both of you are ‘willing and able’ to take on the responsibility of marriage, then no one should or can come in the way. Of course, it is always better to have the blessings of the family. In this context you could arrange a meeting with her father to seek his blessings after she breaks the news to him. If he gives his consent happily it is good, if not, then both of you must emotionally prepare yourself to face your first major challenge together. Life is full of ups and downs and both of you need to be emotionally equipped to meet all that life doles out to you. Whether both of you can weather storms together successfully will determine the success of your marriage.

Urine Infection after Sex
Why is that whenever we have sex after a long gap my wife gets urine infection even though both of us maintain proper personal hygiene?

Mechanical rubbing during intercourse can cause urethral inflammation in females. In spite of all the so-called hygienic precautions, infection can enter the inflamed urethra and bladder causing urinary infection.

This is a common complaint known as ‘honeymoon urethritis’. Whenever there is a longer ‘gap’ between sexual encounters, excitement levels are high. This causes aggressive movements and harder rubbing of organs. An aggressive mechanical rubbing during intercourse causes this problem. Try to be gentle during intercourse. Women enjoy it better that way. Also engage in prolonged (20-25 minutes) and mutually satisfying foreplay. This will produce adequate lubrication in her vagina for an enjoyable intercourse. Lack of lubrication (which is likely to be either due to a lack of interest, lack of relaxation during the act or lack of adequate foreplay) can also be the cause of urethral

One Night Stand With A Stranger
I am a 25-year-old man working in a call centre in the night shift. Six months back I got friendly with a girl who had just joined us then. We quickly became great friends and at an office party got physically intimate after a few drinks. However we decided to keep it at that and she quit. A month back she called me saying that she's pregnant with my child and is demanding we get married. Needless to say I was shocked and told her to reconsider her decision to have a child. Now she is adamant on meeting my parents and insisting our families meet. I'm at my wits end because I don't think I can marry a woman I barely know.

You are learning an important lesson of your life with this experience, and that is, that ‘alcohol lowers your inhibitions, makes you act irresponsibly, and the price that you pay for such irresponsible conduct could be disastrous’. It is not only ‘drunken driving’ that can cost you your life (physical), but it is also ‘drunken partying’ that can cost you not only your life(psychological), but as you can see, it can also spell doom for all your dreams and aspirations. Having said that, it is obvious, that marriage is absolutely not an option, after a one night stand with a stranger, who emotionally blackmails you into a commitment. However, you will need to call her bluff, by confessing your drunken blunder to your parents, and ask them to support you in taking a firm stance that marriage is definitely not the way to go.  You will need to obviously make your apologies, and eat ‘humble pie’ with your parents. You have both engaged in consensual, casual and unprotected sex with a stranger, which is irresponsible and immature behavior on the part of both, and such immaturity shows that you are both not ready for a mature commitment. You have also learnt that ‘casual sex’ is not so ‘casual’ after all. Besides the supposed pregnancy, you have also put yourself at risk for contracting sexually transmitted diseases. If this sounds like a sermon, so be it, because this is one sermon you need to hear. Finally, I can only hope that this experience has left you wiser.

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In one of your earlier answers you had suggested
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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