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Heart To Heart

Monday, September 18, 2017

Refractory period
I am a robust, healthy man in my early thirties. I am extremely health and fitness conscious person. I want to know - How long after ejaculation can a man get a second good erection?

When a man is having sex, his ‘endorphin’ level is very high. Almost immediately after ejaculation, he goes through a 'refractory phase' in which he loses his erection, he crashes and all his systems gear down.

The refractory period changes from person to person. However after the refractory period, which could be 20 minutes to a few hours, one can get an equally good erection once again. The level of erection depends on the level of excitement and stimulation.

Unjust insistence
My wife and I have been having a very disturbing life because of my son. At present he is taken care by a day care center. My wife wants my old parents to take care of him for the only reasons that they took care of my nephews earlier. She refuses to understand that they were young and healthy at that time. She feels they are refusing intentionally. Due to this she constantly taunts me, speaks degrading about my parents, and many times blackmails me emotionally. This has made life a hell for me. I am unable to concentrate on my work and in fact it is also affecting my relation with her and my son. I want some help to if not get rid of the problem to overcome the same.
Every working parent prefers that their child be looked after by family rather than by a stranger. It seems that your wife is not convinced that your old parents are unable to take care of your son, or else she would not insist. You say that there is a major problem with your aging parents baby-sitting your son and that your wife’s insistence is unreasonable. One needs to explore if and why she has a distorted perception of the situation. She needs to be understood and then counselled about her ‘unreasonable’ expectations. In this regard, both of you need to see a counsellor together to find a win-win solution and sort out the matter amicably once and forever.

All about condoms
I am a 21-year-old guy. I do not have adequate knowledge about ‘Condoms’. Kindly give me all the information about condoms. Are condoms really “safe”?

Condoms are called barrier methods of contraception (birth control) as they put up a barrier or block, which keeps the sperm from reaching the ovum. It is made of either latex or polyurethane. Male condoms are 86 to 98% effective at preventing conception. Condoms can be used only once. You can buy them at a chemist shop. Always keep condoms in a cool and dry place. If you keep them in a hot place (like a wallet, or glove compartment of a car), the latex tends to break down, causing the condom to break or tear. The condom is to be worn only on an erect penis, and just before intromission (penetration). It is packed with its borders rolled up. It is to be unrolled over the erect penis, till it is fully opened and covering the entire erect penis. There is a small pocket at the tip of the condom. It is given for the semen to get trapped/collected after ejaculation. This pocket needs to be pinched to avoid trapping of air at the time of wearing the condom. When putting the condom on the erect penis you must avoid tearing the condom or putting a hole in it with fingernails, teeth, a ring, or anything sharp.

You have asked ‘Are condoms safe’? You are probably referring to “Reliability” rather than “Safety”. Safety refers to whether the condom usage will produce any harmful effects to the user. In that sense the condom is safe except for those who are allergic to “latex” rubber. Reliability refers to the fact whether condom usage prevents conception and/or Sexually Transmitted Diseases. A person infected with HIV (or any other Sexually Transmitted Disease) or likely to be infected, should be aware that a condom cannot completely eliminate the risk of transmission of HIV/STDs to themselves or to others.

Working ‘Mom’
I am working in a private company. A colleague of mine (23-year-old married woman) at bank leaves behind her two-month-old son at home and comes to office, as she needs this job very badly. At times in the office, her milk oozes out from her breasts inadvertently and puts her and everyone around in a very awkward situation. Is there some special absorbing accessory available to take care of this problem? I want to help her. Kindly guide.

Yes, there are absorbent pads available which can be fitted inside the bra. She could also use a device which pumps out the milk into a bottle which can then be refrigerated and used by the baby later. Your friend could enquire for the pads and the pumping device at an outlet which sells maternity material, or then her gynecologist and obstetrician could guide her as to where she can get it.

Best time for sex
My wife and myself are both working. At the end of the day we are both exhausted and left with little or no energy to make love. What can we do to improve our sex life?

At the outset, let me say that it is not necessary to have sex only at night. In fact after a whole day’s work one may want to only retire and sleep. Much energy is used during the daytime in working, travelling etc. Therefore there may not be enough energy left by the time you go to bed.  Sex needs a lot of energy, enthusiasm and interest. So what is happening with both of you is natural and physiological.  The best time in your case would be to have sex early in the morning. After a good night’s sleep, when your body-mind has rested well and you are rejuvenated, you can enter into the sexual act with great vigor and passion. It may have probably never occurred to you to make love in the early hours of the morning. I have known many couples who prefer to make love on waking up in the morning. I would also like to add that it is not the quantity but the "quality" of love making that matters.

You could also take short holidays or weekend breaks to be with each other.

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I am a robust, healthy man in my early thirties.
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
Select Sun sign:
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)Difficulties at work will have to be resolved with a totally new approach. Past experience may not be of much help. You will have to look for answers and be patient. Keep relationship cordial both at home and at work. An outing or social get-together could leave you feeling drained.
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