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Heart To Heart

Monday, September 11, 2017

Pre-marital ‘non-response’
I am going to be married soon, but when I was courting  my fiancée I found that she was not getting aroused. In spite of my best efforts I was not able to arouse her and she too was not affected by my touching. Is it normal?

It seems that you are entering into an arranged marriage. If this is so, then what you are facing is a common problem. You are probably going too fast too soon. The sexuality of a woman is predominantly heart-centred. She needs to feel emotionally close to you for her to get aroused. I would advise you to go slow with your caressing as she maybe feeling shy and awkward. Instead, you could win her heart by romancing her. Not being hasty physically, but instead understanding her hesitation, will make her feel emotionally close to you. And when this happens, she will be more than willing to share intimacy with you.

If after implementing my advise you still feel that things are not warming up between both of you, then a counselling session with a good sex counsellor would be in order. This would take care of any myths or misconceptions that she maybe carrying about physical intimacy, and also give her an opportunity to come up with her queries, if any.

Masturbation myth
I am masturbating almost regularly since the age of 14. I am now 25 and still masturbate. Is this abnormal / harmful?

Masturbation is a harmless activity. Most boys (men) discover masturbation in their teens and practice it frequently. It is harmless and has no ill effects on one’s body (health) or sexuality. However, the ‘guilt’ associated with masturbation can be detrimental to one’s emotional health and self-esteem. Masturbation is considered abnormal only in the following situations -

  • If it is done in front of others.
  • If proper hygiene is not maintained during and after the act.
  • If it is done in a manner that can cause injury to the organ.
  • If it is chosen over intercourse in married couples, even when the spouse is willing to have intercourse.
  • If it becomes an “obsession” and starts affecting other aspects of one’s life like career, education, relationships etc.

Mid-Life crisis
I am a married man, now 49 years of age, a CA by profession, with two kids. I met one girl of 26 years, also a CA by profession. I like her and in the few meetings we've had, it seems she also likes me. But, the problem is that at my age should I propose to her about my likings. I have called her to outings and she has responded favourably. But, I am hesitant in telling her of my fascination for her. Please advise.

You have not mentioned the status of your relationship with your wife, so I presume that all is well at home. Have you thought about the repercussions if you decide to continue with this young girl?  How far do you want to go? What do you expect from her? What does she expect from you?  How will your wife and children feel? Are you willing to sacrifice harmony in the family for her if it comes to that?  You are 49 and she is 26, so she could very well be your daughter’s age. What kind of future can this relationship have?

Your age is indicative of a mid-life crisis. Very often at this age a feeling of discontentment emerges with an urgency to live life differently. At this point you can either turn towards more short term pleasures, or then seek true fulfillment and contentment. This is an opportunity to grow spiritually and turn within. It is also a time to give back to the community what you have received from it. Get into some activity which gives you a sense of fulfillment and self-worth. Resolve any problems you might have within the family. Life is too short. Reflect on how you want to spend the rest of it.

Beauty and attraction
I am 25 years old. I have been married for 4 years to a not so beautiful woman. She is a good wife to me but I don’t find her beautiful, although physical intimacy does exist between us. Is it normal and is there some remedy for this?

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

We have known many men and women who are not conventionally beautiful, but love each other dearly, and find tremendous satisfaction with each other in physical intimacy. Even those who are conventionally beautiful, do not remain so for ever.

After four years of marriage, you are expected to grow in love and maturity in your relationship and look at each other beyond the size and shape of the body. Grow in love. Love is extremely ‘sensual’, and it is sensuality and not the physical features or physical statistics which determine a fulfilling intimate relationship.

Premature ejaculation
I ejaculate almost as soon as I penetrate i.e. in one or two strokes. What can I do to avoid this?

What is happening with you is not a physical problem, but a “learning disability”. It is called as “Premature Ejaculation”. There are no medical causes for premature ejaculation. It is essentially of a psycho-behavioral and relational origin. Modern medicine does not offer any drug treatment for this problem
Ejaculating early is a learned reflex response that can be effectively re-conditioned when a man and a woman actively learn ejaculation control together.

You need to increase your awareness of the sensations of arousal building so that you can identify the level of your arousal. Secondly, awareness of sensations of arousal and ejaculatory control can be learned by following a step-by-step process. We teach couples the use of the ‘squeeze technique’ or the ‘stop-start technique’.

Besides techniques, certain ‘exercises for sphincter control’ and ‘use of condom’ may help in some cases. Certain Flower remedies have also been found effective with some couples.

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I am a married man, now 49 years of age, a CA by
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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