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Heart To Heart

Monday, September 04, 2017

Pre-marital sex education
I am a post graduate in management and working for a large company at Hyderabad. I am married only for 4 months. It was an arranged marriage. My wife, 24 years is an engineer working at Chennai. From the day of our engagement we used to interact every day over phone. She used to call me frequently. Things have changed within three days of the marriage. We did not have intercourse as her vagina was very small and I could not penetrate. She used to cry in pain when I try to insert. Within a week i took her to Hyderabad. We did not have sex as she was not interested. She went to Chennai after a week. She had earlier applied for her transfer to Hyd.
Within a week of reaching Chennai, she said that she might not get the transfer immediately and she is not willing to resign the job. Another day, when I tried to contact her, she said she is not willing to lead the life with me and she wanted divorce. Her family and I was totally surprised as there was no real issue for her to behave in a particular way. When her parents asked her for the reason, she just said that I didn’t give her freedom in the bedroom. This answer of her has really surprised everybody. She also told her parents that I don't love her. I do not know what made her to think that way. She also said that my parents and sister were very good and she has problem only with me. Then we decided to take the issue to a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor and he wanted us to take her (my wife) to him. She refused to meet him saying that she did not suffer from any mental disorder and there is no reason for her to meet the doctor. What could be the reason for her behaviour?

Your problem is simple yet complex. I wish both of you had visited a good pre-marital counselling centre for a sex education session before marrying. You have made some basic mistakes that could have been avoided.

It is true that she does not require a psychotherapist at this stage but BOTH OF YOU definitely need guidance from a sex therapist. The difference between male sexuality and female sexuality is necessary to be understood by both of you. What she perceives as a lack of love from your side could have arisen from your insufficient knowledge of the female needs, both emotional and physical. I hope it is not too late. If you suggest that you have been advised that BOTH OF YOU need guidance together and not only her, and also that you are willing to take responsibility for your contribution (insufficient knowledge of female needs), she could be willing to reconsider working things through.

Erectile dysfunction
I am a 39-year-old man. I have problems getting erections and always have soft erections? How can I overcome the problem?

Your condition is medically termed as erectile dysfunction. The treatment depends on the cause of your erectile dysfunction. There are many organic (physical) as well as psychogenic causes for this problem. If it is due to psychogenic or situational causes, the treatment will be “sex counselling” and “supportive therapy”. If the cause is organic or constitutional, then appropriate medical or surgical measures will have to be undertaken. It is necessary to find out the cause (diagnosis) of this problem first, through history taking, examination and investigations. Once the cause is found, only then can the treatment be advised.

Mid-life crisis
I am a married man, now 49 years of age, a CA by profession, with two kids. I met one girl of 26 years, also a CA by profession. I like her and in the few meetings we've had, it seems she also likes me. But, the problem is that at my age should I propose to her about my likings. I have called her to outings and she has responded favourably. But, I am hesitant in telling her of my fascination for her. Please advise.

You have not mentioned the status of your relationship with your wife, so I presume that all is well at home. Have you thought about the repercussions if you decide to continue with this young girl?  How far do you want to go? What do you expect from her? What does she expect from you?  How will your wife and children feel? Are you willing to sacrifice harmony in the family for her if it comes to that?  You are 49 and she is 26, so she could very well be your daughter’s age. What kind of future can this relationship have?

Your age is indicative of a mid-life crisis. Very often at this age a feeling of discontentment emerges with an urgency to live life differently. At this point you can either turn towards more short term pleasures, or then seek true fulfillment and contentment. This is an opportunity to grow spiritually and turn within. It is also a time to give back to the community what you have received from it. Get into some activity which gives you a sense of fulfillment and self-worth. Resolve any problems you might have within the family. Life is too short. Reflect on how you want to spend the rest of it.

Respond to your inner calling
I want to take up the career in 'Psychology'. My father is a businessman. He wants me to get degree in Commerce, which doesn't interest me at all. I love my father. I don't want to displease him. He has done a lot for me. But at the same time I don't want to take a career that I don't like. What should I do?

Your father has lived his life and you have to live your own. I am sure your father has the best of intentions at heart as all other well-meaning parents. But, you can only be the best of who you are, and not the best of who he wants you to be. If Psychology is truly your passion and your calling, so be it. Get into it and give it your very best. When your father sees your joy and passion, how could he not be happy for you ? But if he stubbornly sticks to his stance, then he and only he is responsible for his own unhappiness. You need to follow your heart and fulfill the purpose of your life. Of course, it is important for you to be sure of your own interest in Psychology. If you are sure, then dedicatedly pursue your goals without looking back.

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I am a married man, now 49 years of age, a CA by
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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