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Heart To Heart

Monday, August 07, 2017

Irresponsible sex
I went out with a Marine Engineer for some time and we had sexual relations. I am now pregnant. He had subsequently sailed without giving me his address immediately after our sexual contact, and I also don't know anything about his family, or how and where to contact him. Even if we were to make contact somehow, I don't think he will take up this responsibility because he had said that he does not believe in marriage.

I am not going to sermonize, but you know that you made an ‘irresponsible’ decision and you are now going to have to deal with the ‘consequences’ of that decision.

You have limited options. Either to go for an abortion (Medical termination of pregnancy), be a single mother, or then have the baby and give it up for adoption. It will be helpful to see a counsellor to have more clarity before making any decision. Hopefully, this situation has left you a lot wiser! You probably also have unresolved emotional issues, which led you to make an irresponsible decision in the first place. Seeing a counsellor will help you understand yourself better and heal any unresolved issues, so that you can live with more wisdom.

Managing temper
My boyfriend and I have been going out a little over a month. He says he really likes me, and I really like him. He reminds me of my older brother, has the same temper, and it worries me cause my brother has an assault charge, cause he hit his wife. How can I be sure that he won’t hit me, if he loses his temper? Am I worrying over nothing, cause of the memories that haunt me of my older brother? He's 19+ and I’m 18+.

Firstly, history need not repeat itself i.e. your boyfriend need not behave like your brother as they are two different persons, BUT, one must learn from history and be aware i.e. see whether your boyfriend expresses his anger in socially acceptable ways or not. If there are signs of verbal abuse or even a push or a shove, then beware, this could be a sign for things to come – put an end to it immediately by asserting yourself with him; he must know that you will not stand for this. However, if he gets angry due to a difference of opinion, expresses it through words without humiliating you and attacking your self-worth, and sorts out the difference through communication, then he is normal and there is nothing to be concerned about. However, both of you are still young, understand each other better before you get serious about the relationship.

Myth of simultaneous orgasms
We have been married two years and we have never had an orgasm at the same time. I always thought this was something most couples enjoyed, and it seems like it would be wonderful to experience it. Is it really all that important, or should we give up trying?

It truly isn't all that important! The myth that experiencing simultaneous orgasm is the epitome of sexual satisfaction is based on various false assumptions. First, it assumes that two individuals get sexually aroused and then respond at the same pace. This is quite unlikely! Second, it assumes that ‘goal-oriented’ sexual act is more satisfying than ‘pleasure-oriented’ sex. Quite the opposite, goal-oriented sexual act can greatly interfere with satisfaction by introducing an insistent demanding attitude, anxiety and often a feeling of failure, all of which can impede the body's natural response mechanism.

Goal-oriented sexual act requires a wife to be orgasmic during intercourse, which may not be the case always. It also assumes that she will only have one
single orgasm, and so she has to time that orgasm to occur when her husband is about to ejaculate. Women have the ability to experience more than one orgasm, and it is more likely that a woman who has multiple orgasms may have one when her husband ejaculates. Even then it works best when it is simply allowed to ‘happen naturally’, rather than worked towards as a goal.

As put by one woman, “I wouldn't want to orgasm when he does because then I would miss out on his”! Many couples like better to enjoy each other's orgasms. That way, you can double your pleasure!

Deriving sexual pleasure
I am a 25-year-old housewife. I want to know; does sex give physical pleasure only to men; and must women enjoy only the emotional pleasure? In my married life of last three years, I have never derived any physical pleasure out of sex. Can sex be equally pleasurable for both men and women? Please clarify.

Yes of course. Sex can and should be equally pleasurable for women. Women can and should be actively involved in the sexual act. Most women enjoy emotional intimacy as do some men, but this not mean that they do not enjoy the physical pleasure. In fact, a woman who is comfortable with her sexuality, is capable of enjoying much more than a man because she is capable of experiencing multiple orgasms unlike men who lose their erection after ejaculation. Women have been conditioned to believe that an open display of passion during sex is ‘unladylike’, and they fear being labelled as ‘nymphomaniacs’. This is the reason why women rarely give in to their natural physical urges and why they don’t uninhibitedly indulge in sex with an unbridled passion. In actuality, because women are capable of multiple orgasms, the men in our male dominated society, due to their own fear of not being able to satisfy the woman, has conditioned women to believe that they are supposed to be the passive partner in sex and that active sex is a male domain. To ensure that you reach orgasm, it is better to adopt the ‘woman on top’ position as you are more aware of your pleasure points and thus can ensure the correct stimulus.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I went out with a Marine Engineer for some time a
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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