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Heart To Heart

Monday, May 15, 2017

Performance Anxiety
I am 24 and am getting married next month. I am worried about one thing – Will I be able to satisfy my wife? I am told that the first impression is the last impression.

You seem to be experiencing a classical “performance anxiety” that many men experience before marriage.

Remember, it is not necessary to have sexual intercourse on the very first night. Sex is not the first and the only thing on a woman’s mind. A woman looks forward to first understand and love her husband before she is ready for sexual intercourse. The success of a marriage depends on the love and understanding between partners and not on the first sexual performance.

Let her first impression of you be one of a gentle, caring and friendly person rather than one of an impatient and anxious partner.

Everyone experiences some level of ‘performance anxiety’ in the first few attempts. However, later on it diminishes. In the correct circumstances and in a relaxed environment, with an equally involved & responsive partner, you will be able to perform sexual intercourse.  

How Ready Are You To Share A Life Together
I am a 20-year-old guy having a love affair with a 20-year-old girl. We know each other for past 5 years and know it well now that we want to be with each other throughout the life. Now the problem is this that her parents want to get her married and they don't know of our love affair yet. I am afraid of letting them know about our affair cause it might make them against us cause hers is an orthodox family. I am currently into studies and I will complete my studies after 2 years and I will get a job then. I have asked her to anyhow stop her marriage proposals for 1 year and then I will be 21. And we can go for court marriage if anything goes wrong. It is all chaos. She won't agree for a court marriage. What do I do? I mean telling her parents is a big risk now cause I am not 21. And even if I become 21 I am not sure that she will go for court marriage cause she is from an orthodox family. It seems to be all chaos. I mean what can a guy do if the girl he loves is from an orthodox family?

In your case you seem to have taken the entire responsibility of the girl’s parents on your shoulders. If she cares for you as deeply as you care for her, she will also play her part in convincing her parents of the intensity of your feelings for each other and put her foot down regarding other proposals. Both of you need to understand that marriage is a great responsibility and not a bed of roses.

The test of true love is its strength to face challenges, the first one being with her parents. Remember, if your decision to share a life together, upsets or disturbs them in any way, then it is their problem. It is not your responsibility to solve their disturbance. Both of you first of all need to understand that though it is good to have the blessings of family and friends; it is not an absolute ‘must’. What is a ‘must’ though, is maturity on the part of both of you to be able to shoulder the responsibility of marriage, physically, emotionally, financially and socially. So make sure that both of you are ready for it before tying the knot. What is important is how willing and ready both of you are to share a life together, then whether it is a family priest or a court registrar, who does the honors should not really matter.

Relationship With A Married Man
I am a 26-year-old woman living alone in the city since the past four years. My parents stay in another city with my siblings. I was seeing a 50-year-old man since the past three and half years. A month back he confessed that he is married with two kids and that he no longer wanted to be with me because his wife came to know about the affair and threatened to walk out. He had earlier promised that we would have a secure future together. During the time we were together, I got pregnant twice but had to abort the baby since he kept telling me he wasn't ready for fatherhood. I was totally shattered and came clean to my parents about the whole situation. They are now forcing me to move back with them and also get married to a guy they have selected for me.

It is said that a woman's instincts are very good, and that she usually knows when things are amiss in a relationship. But then it is equally true that one often ignores not only one's instincts, but even what is a glaring reality, and sees selectively only what one wants to see, and simply chooses to ignore the other more glaring data. I am sure you had enough clues to rouse some suspicion that all was not well, during the three and half year dating period with a 50-year-old man, with you aborting twice because he was not prepared for fatherhood at the age of 50. It is possible that while you are reading our answer, you are engaging in some mental self-bashing and some bashing of this man. However, neither bashing yourself or him will help. What will help though, is for you to dissect all the reasons and motives for being in this relationship with a man twice your age who promised you much but gave you nothing, what dire 'need' in you made you turn a blind eye to clues that might have been staring you in your face all this while, and where in your past do the origins of this dire 'need' lie. It will help you address this 'need' at the roots, which in turn will prevent a similar occurrence in your life where you find yourself in a less than mediocre and abusive relationship. You might benefit from seeing a counselor to facilitate this process. It might be a good idea to have a change of scene, and if moving with your parents provides that, you could consider it. As far as marrying is considered, you might want to first deal with your own healing before you engage with another person. Today you will bring to the new relationship, a shattered, confused and fragmented self, but when you are healed from your past, you will be able to bring to the relationship your 'whole' self.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I am 24 and am getting married next month. I am w
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
Select Sun sign:
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)You will be able to achieve much of what you want to do. However you will have to work really hard for it. There are certain jealous elements around you that will try to create obstacles in your path. The only way to overcome such forces is to ignore and concentrate on your work. At a social function or party you feel bored. It is not easy to make friends that fast so look for the best in others. Be a good listener and you will be surprised at how many friends you make.
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