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Heart To Heart

Monday, May 08, 2017

Do Not Be In A Hurry
I am 21 and I have a girl friend who is also 21 (few months elder to me). My girlfriend has more experience than me as she was involved earlier in a relationship. I get strong urges to make out with her and wish to want to turn her on often but I’ve only done it once and I feel like an amateur and like I get nervous when things get hot. How do I deal with this feeling and this situation?

If you are talking about casual sex, then the heart is not involved, with the result that there is a need to impress and score points because of a fear that you are being evaluated against others. If your girlfriend is also with you for a casual fling then she could very possibly be ‘rating’ your performance. However, if both of you are deeply emotionally involved with each other and are committed to each other, then there is no cause for fear. Sex is beautiful only if it is the culmination of a heart connection and even so, it is just one of the many ways to share intimacy with each other. So, if your girlfriend truly cares for you she will love and accept you for who you are and not for the type of sexual feats you can perform. Relax and do not be in a hurry to consummate this relationship. Know each other better and let nothing less than true love turn both of you on.

Painful Sex After Hysterectomy
I have enjoyed sex for 14 years. But in 1992 my wife underwent hysterectomy operation after which we cannot enjoy sex. Because if my penis penetrates even one inch she gets unbearable pain. We have also shown to a gynaecologist who had given her hormone tablets (premarin) and some gel to be applied (KY jelly). The tablets were taken for nearly 4 years but all in vain nothing happened. Till date she gets unbearable pain and so we do not enjoy sex. My penis cannot penetrate even one inch. Under the above circumstances I would request you to give us some advice so that both of us can enjoy sex.

There are several possible causes of such a pain during penetration. She may not be adequately lubricated or wet, her pelvic muscles may be too tight or constricted, or then she might have an injury or an infection involving her vulva or vagina. This pain may or may not have anything to do with the hysterectomy surgery.

I strongly recommend that until you find the cause of this pain you do not have intercourse again. If you continue to have intercourse in spite of pain, things will only get worse. What is a superficial physical problem will then become a deeper psychological one. Pain is like an alarm, which alerts you to investigating into the cause of the problem. She definitely needs to see a gynaecologist for a thorough physical examination.

She Has No Interest In Me
I am a 28-year-old man who recently got married to a girl of my parents’ choice. We stay in a joint family. Three months have passed and we still haven't consummated our marriage because my wife says she was married against her wish and has no interest in me. She says that as soon as her lover comes back from abroad, she will walk out of my life. This has put me in a dilemma because my parents think all is fine between us and my mother will not be able to deal with such a blow when it happens since she's a heart patient. I have tried to reason with my wife but she is an stubborn woman and refuses to change her stance.

It is obvious that your wife has made up her mind, and therefore, working towards convincing her would be a waste of time and effort on your part. You also seem to have accepted that your wife is not your wife in the truest sense of the word, but are worried about your mother’s reaction. It is therefore best, that you gradually start preparing your mother’s mind by mentioning about the ‘non-consummation’ casually and vaguely without revealing any other details. You could visit a counsellor with your wife and explain the reasons that both of you want out of this marriage, and engage the help of the counsellor in helping your mother accept the same healthily. You can mention this visit to the counsellor to your mother after a few days, and also mention that you do not believe that the relationship can work out, and that you will be happier opting out of it. At this point you can mention to her that the marriage could be annulled on the grounds of non-consummation. Also explain that an annulment is like not being married at all, and therefore, you will not have the tag of being a ‘divorcee’, and can have a more fulfilling and happier marriage with someone else. While sharing all this, keep her cardiologist informed about the fact that she could be experiencing some additional stress so that he can monitor her physical well-being. Then take her to the same counsellor so that she can ventilate her thoughts and feelings freely.
This sharing will de-stress her. The counsellor can also address all her concerns about the present and future, put her mind at rest about various issues regarding the annulment, and help her accept the inevitable outcome of your marriage more healthily and gracefully. It goes without saying that you need to meet a family court lawyer, to go ahead with annulment proceedings, where both of you acknowledge the non-consummation and mutually consent to the annulment.

Cuts During Intercourse
We got married recently. I am 32 and my wife is 31. We are painfully struggling with our sexual relationship. Each time we attempt intercourse; my penis develops cuts due to rubbing of genitals. How to prevent this from happening?

Lack of adequate lubrication is invariably the only cause for such complaints. Early penetration while the vagina is still dry, can cause the cuts.  Engage in a relaxed and prolonged foreplay for at least twenty minutes before intercourse, so that the lubrication from both sides is adequate. Good foreplay is one, when both the partners are more than willing and enjoy pleasuring each other. Adequate foreplay will produce good amount of natural lubrication, and that will solve the problem.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I am 24 and am getting married next month. I am w
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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