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Heart To Heart

Monday, April 03, 2017

Pre-marital ‘non-response’
I am going to be married soon, but when I was courting my fiancée I found that she was not getting aroused. In spite of my best efforts I was not able to arouse her and she too was not affected by my touching. Is it normal?

It seems that you are entering into an arranged marriage. If this is so, then what you are facing is a common problem. You are probably going too fast too soon. The sexuality of a woman is predominantly heart-centred. She needs to feel emotionally close to you for her to get aroused. I would advise you to go slow with your caressing as she maybe feeling shy and awkward. Instead, you could win her heart by romancing her. Not being hasty physically, but instead understanding her hesitation, will make her feel emotionally close to you. And when this happens, she will be more than willing to share intimacy with you. If after implementing my advice you still feel that things are not warming up between both of you, then a counselling session with a good sex counsellor would be in order. This would take care of any myths or misconceptions that she maybe carrying about physical intimacy, and also give her an opportunity to come up with her queries, if any.

Wife has dumped me!
I am 30-year-old man. I was married, have one child; but my wife has left me one year ago. She does not want to talk to me or have any relations with me. To the best of my understanding I did not hurt her ever in any way; but somehow she wants to stay away from me. What to do? Should I get into another relationship? I need love.  I feel lonely.  What should I do?

It is important to know the reasons why your wife has separated from you, in order to know whether a reconciliation is possible or not. However, there will have to be a counsellor’s intervention so that the reasonable needs of both partners are taken into consideration before deciding. If the reasons given by her are valid and if her reasonable needs are not being satisfied by you in the relationship, and if you do not even admit it or do not want to do anything about it from your side, then a divorce is inevitable. In that case you need to get into personal counselling to understand yourself better before getting into another relationship. This is extremely important or else you may land up in a similar position again. It is also possible that your wife has her own issues which have nothing to do with you. In that case, if she is not willing to admit and work on her own issues, a divorce is again inevitable.

In either case, it would be worthwhile seeing a counsellor to discuss the issue at length. This will help you gain in insight about yourself and about what kind of stimulus you put forth in your relationships. This will enable you to remove any contaminants that you may be bringing to the relationship and learn to contribute more positively in any relationship. You will also be able to have an ‘emotional closure’ with your wife and move on in your life on a healthy note.

Frequency of Sex
What is the correct and healthy frequency of sexual activity between couples?

The frequency of your sexual activity mainly depends on at which stage your relationship is currently. When a person is just falling in love, the intimacy is at its peak, and so is the excitement. You just cannot get enough of each other! That is the passionate, mad phase, which is also called as “lust and limerance”. This phase lasts for the initial few months. Then it simmers down and one moves into ‘compassionate love’. It is not as exciting but more meaningful, tender, comfortable and fulfilling. That is the way it is going to be except that there will be some flashes of the old passion occasionally.

Couples who experience differences in their desire levels require to develop good communication skills so that they both feel free to express their feelings without hesitation and fear that they will be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Also you need to be open to the sexual cues of your partner, as well as being able to indicate “not today” without it being seen as a put-down, refusal or rejection.

How can I find a partner?
I am handsome 5'4" male wheatish complexion, good well mannered sweet in nature, smart. I want to  marry a girl of sweet nature. How should I find one of my choice? Should I go to parties, marriages, bars, discos? Match making sites seems to be a waste of money. Should I give an adv. in newspaper where parents are involved? I want to marry a girl who loves me and I love her most where our interests are common and shared. How can I find where to start from?

All your socializing ideas seem okay except the bars and discos, as the ‘sweet natured’ girl you are looking for will definitely not be there. Matrimonial columns are not a bad idea, though it is important to check her credentials through some other known source. It is important that you continue to interact in society and wait for your ‘lady love’ to walk into your life. However, a compatible life-partner cannot and should not be found in a desperate hurry. Remember ~ ‘It is man who is always in a hurry, but God is always on time’.

Inadequate Lubrication
We got married recently. I am 31 and my wife is 30. We are painfully struggling with our sexual relationship. Each time we attempt intercourse; my penis develops cuts and abrasions due to rubbing of genitals. How to prevent this from happening?

Lack of adequate lubrication is invariably the only cause for such complaints. Early penetration while the vagina is still dry, can cause the cuts.  Engage in a relaxed and prolonged foreplay for at least twenty minutes before intercourse, so that the lubrication from both sides is adequate. Good foreplay is one, when both the partners are more than willing and enjoy pleasuring each other. Adequate foreplay will produce good amount of natural lubrication, and that will solve the problem.

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My best friend and I have known each other for ov
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)Substantial gains from routine work are indicated. However, you can afford to be a bit adventurous with work proposals from overseas, which are also likely to materialize. Some extra expenses are indicated but are necessary to secure a particular assignment that you are negotiating. A new romantic association adds sparkle to your life. Someone you had loved and desired for long will now get drawn to you quite unexpectedly.
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