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Heart To Heart

Monday, February 27, 2017

It hurts during intercourse!
I am 23-year-old woman. Why does it hurt when I have normal sexual intercourse? I am not a virgin. I have had sex many times before but it hurts each time I do.

There are several possible causes for this pain. Your pelvic muscles may be extra tight (constricted), you may not be adequately aroused and lubricated at your vagina, your hymen may still be partially intact, or then you might have an injury or an infection involving your vulva and/or vagina.

We strongly recommend that you do not have intercourse again until the cause of this pain is found. If you continue to have intercourse in spite of pain, things may only get worse for you. What is a physical problem presently can become a psychological one. Pain is like an alarm, which alerts you to investigating into the cause of the problem. Do not abuse your body.

You may need to see a gynaecologist for a physical examination. Do not allow any doctor to dismiss the pain. Remember, it is not just in your head, nor will it just get better on its own!

Is he two-timing?
I am going steady with my boyfriend of two years. Everything was fine between us till few days back his distant cousin came between us.  She stays far away but they started writing romantic Emails and SMSs to each other. When I protested against this I was told that I am narrow minded and wrong and I should not doubt. He once called her up at night at 12 and talked with her till the morning 4. He says he loves me but then why is he getting involved with his cousin? What do I do in this situation?

Your partner obviously wants to have his cake and eat it too. And this does not seem to be going down very well with you. You have every right to feel upset about his double standards and lack of care and commitment towards you. We think you should be very explicit in your communication about how his actions make you feel. Talk about your feelings and ask him what he is going to do about it. If he understands what it is doing to you emotionally and mends his ways then it is O.K. But if he tries to say that you should not feel this way and that his actions are fine, or says that he loves you and continues in the same way, then get into couple therapy with him with any good counsellor, or if he does not agree to it, then get out of the relationship at once. You deserve better!

Follow your heart
I want to take up the career in 'Psychology'. My father is a businessman. He wants me to get degree in Commerce, which doesn't interest me at all. I love my father. I don't want to displease him. He has done a lot for me. But at the same time I don't want to take a career that I don't like. What should I do?

Your father has lived his life and you have to live your own. I am sure your father has the best of intentions at heart as all other well-meaning parents. But, you can only be the best of who you are, and not the best of who he wants you to be. If Psychology is truly your passion and your calling, so be it. Get into it and give it your very best. When your father sees your joy and passion, how could he not be happy for you? But if he stubbornly sticks to his stance, then he and only he is responsible for his own unhappiness. You need to follow your heart and fulfill the purpose of your life. Of course, it is important for you to be sure of your own interest in Psychology. If you are sure, then dedicatedly pursue your goals without looking back.

Clitoral complex
I have a wonderful husband, but we once watched a porn movie and I am now very self-conscious because I have a small clitoris. I feel like a freak. Is there anything I can do to make it protrude more? Can it affect my ability to experience orgasm?

You are not so different as you seem to be thinking! What you are distressed about is the same thing that I have quite often heard from a lot of young men who watch porn movies. They see the nude male porn stars with massive penises and feel that their penis does not measure up. But this is the very first time I am coming across a woman ask me the ‘size’ query vis-à-vis her clitoris. My answer, however, is going to be similar.

Porn movies are not mirrors of real life! In porn movies they deliberately choose men who have unusually large penises, which is not the norm, and it is very likely that the clitoris you saw in that porn movie wasn't typical either, and the size you saw was also probably due to the use of special zoom lenses, camera angles and specialized filming techniques.

Remember, just as the size of a man's penis doesn't make him a better or worse lover, the size of your clitoris has nothing to do with your sexual capability. You can experience orgasms irrespective of the size of your clitoris - big or small - and if you are not able to achieve orgasms, remember, it is definitely not because of the size of your clitoris.

When it is difficult to trust
I am 24 year old.... single and depressed.  My trust has been betrayed so often by close ones... I now find it difficult to trust any more..... Help

Any intimate relationship is based on love and trust. It is not normally questioned in the relationship, because its presence in the relationship is normally assumed.  One does not live in a relationship suspecting betrayal of this love and trust. Such a betrayal of trust strips you of everything you thought you knew.
Now you are left asking yourself the question all the time, ‘What’s true? Is this true? Should I believe it?’ After such betrayal it takes a long time to come to some sense and have some rationale in your thoughts. Despite this, one should never get into a shell, but risk being a little vulnerable. This brings great rewards; or else you will miss out on love & life. And opportunities of meaningful relationships will simply pass you by. “Not taking a risk is the biggest risk of all”.

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We got married four months back. We are eager to
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)You will have to be careful in money matters and avoid giving loans or even taking them. At work you will do well but be tactful and do not express your frank opinion in midst of people whom you are not familiar with. Something good will happen at home and an atmosphere of cordiality will prevail.
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