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Heart To Heart

Monday, November 28, 2016

Sexual dilemma
I am a 28 yrs guy and was married 4 yrs back. I have married to a girl who was richer than me and my parents forced me for the marriage. She is not very good looking. After three years of our marriage I came to know that she is having relationship with many others besides me, before and even after my marriage and she is continuing the same.

I am very nervous, I had a talk with her several times, but she doesn’t give any firm commitment. I have a son 2 yrs old and I cannot divorce her also for the future of my son. I do not want to have sex with her, but I don’t know I am not been able to control myself as a result of which she is overconfident that I cannot leave her and she is continuing flirting.

Advice me what can I do to prevent having sex with her. We are staying in a joint family and hence we have to sleep in the same room. No body in our family is aware of this kindly help.

You are physically indulging with a woman with whom you are emotionally repulsed. This situation, if it continues, will lead to a an inner crisis in you, which can then be disastrous, as it will either end in external aggression ( violence ) or internal aggression ( depression ). Your self-worth and self-esteem is at stake out here. You need to:

1. see a marriage counsellor with your wife as soon as possible
2. be assertive and ask her to make a choice between you and her sexual exploits
3. reflect on the fact that it would  be better for your son to stay with one parent who is at peace with himself / herself instead of two parents who have no emotional connection at all

Puberty and adolescence
We hear words such as ‘Adolescence’ and ‘Puberty’, in the context of sexual development of children. I am not very clear about the exact meaning of these words and the difference between the two. I also want to know what is the exact age group of these stages. Kindly explain.

Adolescence is the French word derived from ‘adolescere’ which means growing up.

Adolescence is simply a transition stage from childhood to adulthood. In other words it is the bridge between childhood and adulthood. The beginning of adolescence is known as Puberty. It is the time of life when sex glands become functional. Adolescence is the time of life between puberty and adulthood. Scientifically it is defined as a period of change, which everyone goes through from biological immaturity to maturity.

Adolescence is the age from 10 to 19 years. In girls it may begin as early as 9 or 10 years. In boys it starts around 12 or 13 years.

During adolescence there are rapid physical as well as psychological (emotional) changes. The physical changes precede psychological changes. We change from girls and boys into women and men.
One-sided relationship
I am 25. I fell madly in love with a girl for around 2 years but when I told her about my feelings, she said she likes someone else. I don’t know what to do?  I will do anything to get her. She keeps on running on my mind every day.

You can never find happiness in a one-sided relationship. Read the handwriting on the wall and let her go. Getting a job is a good idea, but besides that what you need to do is to remain open and continue to be socially accessible i.e. besides remaining in contact with girls in the area where you live or at work, you could take up some short courses like public speaking, personality development, also music or computer classes, theatre workshops etc. The point is to increase your social circle so that the right person has an opportunity to enter your life. (If nothing else, you will gain in knowledge, skills, creative satisfaction and lots of new friends).

How to better the frequency of sex
I am 26 and my husband is 30. Both of us are working and doing well in our careers. When we return home late in the evening, we both are extremely tired and lack the energy and enthusiasm to indulge in sexual relationship in the night. We are both attracted towards each other. We are not having any affairs outside. However the frequency of our sexual intercourse is very low. What do we do to enhance our sex life?

At the outset, let me say that it is not necessary to have sex only at night. In fact after a whole day’s work one may want to only retire and sleep. Much energy is used during the daytime in working, travelling etc. Therefore there may not be enough energy left by the time you go to bed. Sex needs a lot of energy, enthusiasm and interest. So what is happening with both of you is natural and physiological. The best time in your case would be to have sex early in the morning. After a good night’s sleep, when your body-mind has rested well and you are rejuvenated, you can enter into the sexual act with great vigor and passion. It may have probably never occurred to you to make love in the early hours of the morning. I have known many couples who prefer to make love on waking up in the morning. I would also like to add that it is not the quantity but the “quality” of love making that matters. You could also take short holidays or weekend breaks to be with each other.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I am working at a very senior position in my offi
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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