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Heart To Heart

Monday, August 22, 2016

Writing on the wall
I am in love with sister of my brother in law (jija). She is two older than me and she considers her family members more important than me. I am sure she loves me too, but she doesn’t want to go against her parents wish. And her family members as well as my family members are against this relationship. I love her lot and I can't live without her... what should I do?

There are too many things working against this relationship, the deal-breaker being that she does not feel as intensely about this relationship as you do. If she cared enough to stand up to her parents then it would have been different. But she has made it clear to you that she will not go against her parent’s wishes. Read the writing on the wall. The message is quite clear. Get on with your life. The love of your life is probably somewhere out there.
Performance anxiety
I m 25 yrs old boy. I am getting married after 3 months. But due to masturbation from last 4 years I became too weak for sexual intercourse. I am very afraid whether I will be able to penetrate my wife’s vagina or not. Can you please help me in this regard?

Masturbation does not affect your sexual power or erectile ability. It is a harmless activity. Most boys discover masturbation in their teens and practice it frequently. It has no ill effects on one’s health or sexuality.

You seem to be experiencing a classical “performance anxiety” that many men experience before marriage. Everyone experiences some level of performance anxiety in the first few attempts of intercourse. However later on it diminishes. In the correct circumstances and in a relaxed environment, with an equally involved & responsive partner, you will be able to perform sexual intercourse.

Do visit a ‘pre-marital counselling centre’ before getting married for sex education and complete clarity on this subject.

How can he be so heartless?
I kind of know the answers to my problem but still am interested to find out what the professional advice is! Been in love with this guy for the last 7 yrs but the relationship, from his side, has not changed at all; for him it's nothing more than hot steamy sex EVERYTIME. I feel like an ultimate looser as I have loved him from the very core of my soul and he still hasn't budged an inch. Even if one keeps a pet, one gets emotionally tied 2 it in a couple of days so how come he does not have any REAL feelings for me?.As soon as sex is over, he wants to, and does, walk away. This feeling of rejection is killing me and has continued to do so for the past 7 yrs. as much as I have tried, I am unable to break away from him. How can he be so heartless? I’m 40 now and he's 43 so its not that its puppy love from my side.

If you know what’s good for you then not only walk away (like he does) but run away from this relationship. You ask me why he treats you this way, and my answer is that ‘you have taught him how to treat you’. In spite of the shabby way this guy treats you, you continue to allow him to get away with it. Why? Ask yourself, “What is the pay-off I am getting by remaining in this ‘non-relationship’?”, and if you are honest with yourself you will see that you are in some warped way, gaining something out of being where you are. How can you complain? You are where you are because you have chosen to be there. And you have the freedom to choose otherwise. The choice is yours!!

Condom getting lost
We are married for just four months. We do not want issue for the next one-year. Oral pills do not suit my wife, so we are advised to use condom to avoid pregnancy. However my wife fears that if condom comes off during or at the end of the intercourse, it may get lost in her vaginal cavity (or somewhere else deep inside her body) and may create complications. What is the truth? Can such a thing happen?

If a condom does come off when a couple has sexual intercourse and slips into the vagina, the woman can easily reach into her vagina with her fingers and pull it out. It does not enter the uterus or the body. The vagina is almost like a blind pouch with a very narrow collapsed passage into the uterus which cannot allow the condom to go beyond that point. Moreover, a condom is too large an object to get lost into the vagina. 

Safe at 81
I am 81. I lost my wife about 12 years ago. I still have lots of sex desire. Ever since I lost my wife I have not had sexual intercourse with any woman. But occasionally I masturbate, discharge and thus relieve myself. Is it harmful to me at my age? I dread intercourse with any woman for fear of AIDS etc. Kindly advice.

Masturbation is physiologically harmless at all ages. It is a safe and simple method of relieving sexual tension. As long as you are capable and enjoying, you may continue to masturbate in your privacy maintaining proper hygiene.

It is wise on your part to avoid intercourse, as it is true that there is always a risk of contracting HIV and/or other sexually transmitted infections in uncommitted, polygamous sexual encounters / relationships.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I am in love with sister of my brother in law (ji
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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