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Heart To Heart

Monday, August 15, 2016

Follow your conscience
I have been involved in a relationship with a girl who loves me more than anything in the world and I misuse the position that I enjoy by having sex with her, which she enjoys too... I don’t really feel anything for her except for the sexual bit! What do I do? Get out of this or carry on with this?

Your conscience is quite loud and clear when you say that you ‘misuse’ your place in her heart. Now all that remains is for you to follow your conscience. Translated in practical terms, that means being totally honest with her about your feelings. However painful it may be for you to admit this to her and even more painful for her to hear this, it is better to confront the truth once and for all. Leading her on will only make matters worse for her, and moreover, could you live with your conscience while continuing to mislead her? Let the illusions be broken as soon as possible so that the healing can begin.

‘Emotional closure’ with your wife
I am Indian male 30 plus, handsome cute lovely and smart. I was married have one child but my wife  left me one year ago, she does not want to talk to me nor have any relations or stay with me. Tell me what to do she even does not want to divorce me.... always tell me to do so...I did not ever hurt her any way but somehow she wants to stay away from me. Tell me what to do? Should I go for another girl who is quiet  understanding and emotional and also understands my needs? After the birth of the child which is healthy enough she has no interest in me physically. I need love and to love someone, be in love and cherish i it I work hard enough to earn but feel lonely at times when  alone specially in evenings, pls advice soon...

It is important to know the reasons why your wife has separated from you, in order to know whether a reconciliation is possible or not. However, there will have to be a counsellor’s intervention so that the reasonable needs of both partners are taken into consideration before deciding. If the reasons given by her are valid and if her reasonable needs are not being satisfied by you in the relationship, and if you do not even admit it or do not want to do anything about it from your side, then a divorce is inevitable. In that case you need to get into personal counselling to understand yourself better before getting into another relationship. This is extremely important or else you may land up in a similar position again. It is also possible that your wife has her own issues which have nothing to do with you. In that case, if she is not willing to admit and work on her own issues, a divorce is again inevitable. In either case, it would be worthwhile seeing a counsellor to discuss the issue at length. This will help you  gain in insight about yourself and about what kind of stimulus you put forth in your relationships. This will enable you to remove any contaminants that you may be bringing to the relationship and learn to contribute more positively in any relationship. You will also be able to have an ‘emotional closure’ with your wife and move on in your life on a healthy note.

Sex addiction
I am 25 years old. Please help me out. I am extremely frustrated and not at all able to concentrate on my work because of my problem. Sometimes I even feel like committing suicide. I had tried having sex with 3 different females but failed. I simply am not able to get an erection. All the 3 girls left me because of this problem. Why is it so? Is it because I masturbated a lot, not one time a day and sometimes 3-4 times. I do have this habit of watching porn. During the early years, I watched porn almost daily and masturbate, sometimes without sleeping at night. Is everything normal with me?

Your extreme frustration and thoughts of suicide are serious signs that require urgent medical attention. Do consult a psychiatrist at your earliest. Masturbation per se does not affect sexual capability of a person, however the “obsession” of masturbation can affect your body-mind in many ways. You have admitted your addiction to pornography and being obsessive about masturbation. This behavior falls under the category of “sex addiction” which definitely can lead to sexual dysfunctions. Once you are settled with the acute nature of your frustration and suicidal thoughts, do consult a sex counsellor to get some help for your sex addiction.

Don’t resign to a sexless destiny
I am 53 year old married woman with grown up children. My husband is 56. I stopped getting my periods due to menopause since last one year. We both do get sexual urges but feel guilty while making advances to each other due to our ages. Menopause is said to be the end of sex life/sexual relationship. Why is it so difficult then to accept this fact?

A lot of people presuppose that sex life is all over at fifty and resign themselves to a sexless destiny. This tendency is further fueled by jokes & folklore and the glorification of youth by our modern society. The truth is that most of the people are sexually active throughout their lives. Our sexuality is nature's gift to us, and it enhances our feeling of well being. Intimacy and sex makes us feel good physically and emotionally. Sex, especially in a loving relationship, nourishes the bonding between partners, besides being a good form of exercise. It also makes the body produce  endorphins, which increase the functioning of our immune system, making us more capable to resist infections and illnesses and also give us a natural high. Relaxing and breathing together promote a feeling of oneness between loving partners and existence, adding a spiritual dimension to life. A healthy, loving, intimate sexual relationship helps to keep you healthy and happy into the Golden Years. So let nature take its natural course without your presuppositions.

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I am really very uneasy and disturbed. I started
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
Select Sun sign:
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)You are gripped by fear as routine goes haywire. Chasing deadlines could be a strain and stress you out. Put aside your ego and share your difficulties with your mate who will not only will be helpful in sharing your burden but also inspire courage. You will feel much relieved and happy about the way things turn out by evening.
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