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Heart To Heart

Monday, August 08, 2016

Hesitation towards sex
I am 27 year old businessman. I am married for eight months. My wife is 23 year old. When I make love to my wife she has hesitation in expressing her feelings during the act. She also refuses foreplay. Kindly help me to overcome this problem.

Your wife’s hesitation could come from her conditioning, upbringing, notions about sex, religious ideas or sheer stubbornness. In spite of all these factors, it is the love and understanding between the husband and wife that moulds her attitude towards sex. If sex is merely an exercise for physical gratification, then it loses its importance for the person who is basically heart oriented. Don’t make sex a mechanical activity. Remember, her requirements are more heart oriented. Women feel aroused only when they love the man.

A husband-wife relationship should have a strong foundation of love, understanding and caring about each other. Once this is achieved, sex will follow naturally as an expression of your love for each other.

I wish I had …
I like a girl; she too likes me. But lot's of friends have in between roles; few have been against me. Now she is not talking to me. She is doing second year degree. Somebody is saying she is having another relationship. I want to get her back and let her know the truth. Help me

You say that a lot has been said against you because of which she has distanced herself from you. This is a good opportunity for you to grow as a person. First, introspect and see whether what has been said about you has any truth to it. If there is even a grain of truth, then feel grateful for and use this opportunity to be a better person. And if after introspecting you find that there is no truth whatsoever in what has been said, then pat yourself on your back and live your life with confidence. In either case, speak to the girl after introspection and tell her the truth of the matter. Don’t hesitate. Simply go ahead and let your real feelings be known to her. This way you will never have to look back on your life and say to yourself, ‘I wish I had ....’! At the same time be emotionally prepared for either a Yes or a No. Do your best and then remember to leave the rest. If she is the one for you, she will understand and you-all can move on from there. If not, it is not the end of the road ~ there will be other travelers along the way, and anyway, this entire exercise will have left you a better and more mature person.

Pain after hysterectomy
I have enjoyed sex for 14 years. But in 1989 my wife underwent hysterectomy operation after which we cannot enjoy sex. Because if my penis penetrates even one inch she gets unbearable pain. We have also consulted  a gynaecologist who had given her hormone tablets (premarin) and some gel to be applied (KY jelly). The tablets were taken for nearly 4 years but all in vain, nothing happened. Till date she gets unbearable pain and so we do not enjoy sex. My penis cannot penetrate even one inch. Under the above circumstances I would request you to give us some advice so that both of us can enjoy sex.

There are several possible causes of such a pain during penetration. She may not be adequately lubricated or wet, her pelvic muscles may be too tight or constricted, or then she might have an injury or an infection involving her vulva or vagina. This pain may or may not have anything to do with the hysterectomy surgery.

I strongly recommend that until you find the cause of this pain you do not have intercourse again. If you continue to have intercourse in spite of pain, things will only get worse. What is a superficial physical problem will then become a deeper psychological one. Pain is like an alarm, which alerts you to investigating into the cause of the problem. She definitely needs to see a gynaecologist for a thorough physical examination.

Discriminate and discern
I am in love with a girl who is 10 years older than me and married. I am madly in love with her and I know that it’s not infatuation, its true love. I expressed my feeling to her and she told me that she can’t marry me but can be a very good close friend forever. I can’t marry any other girl other than her, and I can’t live without her. Please advice me something as my life has become  hell. I can’t sleep or concentrate on anything.

The biological man in you is feeling attracted to a biological woman. That is a natural occurrence. But a human being is not just confined to his biology. He has been gifted with “discrimination”, something that animals do not possess. Use this power to discriminate and discern, and you will see for yourself that nurturing thoughts about this woman can only leave you psychologically de-stabilized with immense psychological scars.

You have got yourself into this emotional mess and now you have to actively get yourself out of it. The line between fantasy and reality is blurred in your case. Get out of your fantasy world immediately and step into reality. Stop craving the moon, it can never be yours. In the bargain, you are losing out on the joys of the earth. Do not nurse or nurture, but in fact ‘actively’ discourage thoughts of this woman. Fulfilling and meaningful relationships are awaiting you in the real world, if only you will open your eyes to them. Get socially active, join a few classes and mingle with people of your age.There are a lot of attractive young women of your age out there if only you will come out of your make-belief world. Make an active effort to be available to newer ‘real’ relationships. Also focus your energies on career-building and other creative pursuits. You have a long way to go, so work towards creating a fulfilling and meaningful life for yourself

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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I am 27 year old businessman. I am married for ei
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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