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Heart To Heart - 30 April 2012

Monday, April 30, 2012

Aversion for kissing
I have a rare problem: My husband doesn’t kiss me the way I like it. I desire deep kissing during lovemaking or it feels impersonal. The best he can do is a quick pucker. I try but he stiffens and pulls away and my arousal disappears. We make love often and have a two-year-old son. I feel as if my sex life is inadequate. I have tried to show him what I want but he seems totally incapable of understanding. He is a wonderful man and feels he is failing me, and rather than add to his hurt, I simply keep my mouth shut, literally! Please tell me that I don’t have to live with this for the rest of my life. 
I have heard of women with your concern. There are several possibilities in such cases. Most of the time the cause is a deep-rooted psychological ‘bias’ related to kissing or even with intimacy in general, mostly due to physical and/or psychological trauma in the earlier years of his life. He may or may not be consciously aware of its origin (causative factor) in his childhood, which is hidden in his subconscious mind. May be as a child he was excessively kissed by relatives and did not like it. There is a possibility that he was sexually abused by someone that involved oral stimulation and he felt painfully helpless in that experience and despised it. Probably he is afraid of the degree of intimacy that is involved with the type of kissing you desire. Maybe the problem stems from something as simple as bad breath, real or imagined. May be he thinks he has a bad breath and doesn’t want to kiss because of that, or may be he feels you have it and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. There might be many other reasons.

It is possible to help him, and you as couple, if he is willing to take help from an expert. Do consult a sex counsellor who is experienced in handling such cases. He will require ‘psychoanalysis’ as well as ‘psychotherapy’ to get easy with kissing and intimacy. You don’t have to live the rest of your life without being kissed!

Follow your heart
I want to take up a career in ‘Psychology’. My father is a businessman. He wants me to get a degree in Commerce, which doesn’t interest me at all. I love my father. I don’t want to displease him. He has done a lot for me. But at the same time I don’t want to take a career that I don’t like. What should I do?
Your father has lived his life and you have to live your own. I am sure your father has the best of intentions at heart as all other well-meaning parents. But, you can only be the best of who you are, and not the best of who he wants you to be. If Psychology is truly your passion and your calling, so be it. Get into it and give it your very best. When your father sees your joy and passion, how could he not be happy for you? But if he stubbornly sticks to his stance, then he and only he is responsible for his own unhappiness. You need to follow your heart and fulfill the purpose of your life. Of course, it is important for you to be sure of your own interest in Psychology. If you are sure, then dedicatedly pursue your goals without looking back.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27. Tel: 22184528 / 9821093902. Email: [email protected] www.hearttoheartindia.net

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
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