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Heart 2Heart

Friday, May 27, 2011

Cannot find clitoris
I am a 20-year-old girl. I have learned that the clitoris plays a major role in sexual pleasure; however I am unable to find my clitoris. I am worried. Help!
It can be rather difficult sometimes to find a woman’s clitoris. This is mainly because women's genitals come in many different sizes and shapes. Each one is different and unique! To make matters worse, there are clitorises that are, though normal, very small and deeply hidden under the skin folds. Many girls/women also do not know where to look for their clitoris or how does it look like since they have never been encouraged to inspect and explore their vulva. For all these reasons, do not feel bad if you are unable to find your clitoris, when you first go looking for it.

First have a closer look at a diagram of the female external genitalia and understand the anatomy. To find a woman's clitoris you first need to locate and identify the inner lips (labia minora). This is because the clitoris is located at the point where inner lips/labia meet, near the top of the genital cleft. Some inner labia merge at the bottom of the clitoral glans, at a point called the frenulum, others merge with the hood, and many others do both.

There are normal women who have almost no inner labial tissue. In these cases you may have to look for the clitoris itself. If a woman's clitoris is erect (taking into consideration whether her clitoris has this characteristic), it is generally easier to locate; since it will feel ‘firm’ to your touch, and not spongy and soft like the surrounding tissue. You could also visit a gynecologist for a clinical examination to alleviate your anxieties about your clitoris.

Remember, sexual pleasure does not depend on the size of your clitoris. Even a very small clitoris can derive as much pleasure as a very big one.

When desires cloud clarity
I'm an 18-yr-old. The problem is that I just got out of a relationship and when I came to see my parents in the vacation, I fell very deeply in love with a close friend of mine and I've identified for myself that it wasn't because of a post relationship depression that I fell for him. I talked to him, told him exactly how I feel and found that he felt the same for me. Now the monkey wrench in the works was that he already has a girlfriend who he is on the verge of breaking up with, now she wants to spend more time with him and he's in a dilemma because he is madly in love with two girls and vice versa and he doesn't know what to do now. I asked him to take time off from both of us and sit alone and make a decision, I have no choice but to wait but everyday that goes by, a part of me dies because I can't touch him or get close to him, I just don’t want anything to go wrong now. I'm too deep and every bit of me wants him to be mine. I get very depressed sometimes when I think about it, I can’t do anything about it! Help me cope with this, what do I do?

You seem to be in an inner conflict between what you ‘want’ versus what you ‘ought’ to do. Your asking him to take ‘time off’ from both girls to clear his head and make a decision was the right thing to do. This shows that you do have a clarity of thought and that your conscience is functioning well. However, there are moments when your desires cloud your clarity. Remember, ‘if he really wants to be with you, then there is no person or nothing that can stop him from doing that, but if he does not come back to you, he was never yours to start with, so you’ve lost nothing and it’s definitely not worth crying about’. In the meantime, you would do well to engage in a little personal prayer everyday which says, ‘Let that be done which is good for all concerned’. This will prepare you to accept gracefully all that life brings to you.

You are 18 and have a lot more to experience in life. Remember to make every experience in your life a learning experience, so that you continually grow in wisdom and maturity.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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