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Thursday, July 22, 2010

Q: My intercourse is always painful. As per my gynecologist’s examination, there is no problem. Help!

A: There is no reason to live with any sort of pain if you don't have to. First, you have to find out exactly what the cause of your problem is. Sometimes there is a physical problem. If your vaginal opening is narrow, a series of bigger and bigger dilators may be given to you with which you can serially and gradually stretch your vagina to allow for intercourse. This has to be advised by a gynaecologist.

There are other possible causes for the pain that you are experiencing. One is that you do not have enough foreplay, therefore, when you have intercourse you are not sufficiently lubricated. Another is that you do not naturally produce enough wetness, and so you may need to supplement it with an over-the-counter product like KY Jelly. Or the position that you and your husband use is not comfortable, in which case you should try some another position. Or then you may have a vaginal infection that is causing the pain.

Sometimes these types of pain are psychological. Due to apprehension, the woman involuntarily tightens the muscles of her vagina, making penetration painful and sometimes impossible. If that is what is going on, then a consultation with a sex therapist will help.

Long distance Relationship
Q: I am a 26 year old girl studying abroad. I fell in love with my boyfriend 3 years ago, but it was long distance love. I knew him as a friend even before I came abroad. In all I have spent some 10 months with him in the same city. We both love each other a lot. We even broke up in-between due to some problems but then made it up. He is extremely emotional and misses me a lot. He is doing PhD in India and I am also doing PhD abroad. Last time I met him (8 months back) he asked me not to keep any contact with him since keeping in touch makes him miss me even more. Actually he lost his mother when he was seven-years-old and after that I am the only person from whom he has received so much love and for whom he feels so deeply for. I do call him up once in two months or so. My PhD will last another two years I have a feeling that he resents the fact that I chose to do PhD abroad and did not stay in the same city as him and do some job instead. But doing a PhD was one of my dreams in life. Because of this sometimes he says that he has no ambition in life and that he will never get a good job etc. ( pessimistic things). He never talks of our future life together. I am just very restless about him. Once before he almost went into depression because he missed me so much (after we broke up). I love him a lot. But I don't know what to do?

A: Your boyfriend seems to be facing a childhood emotional deprivation and needs to heal himself of it, or else it will keep on corrupting his current relationships, which is already so in his relationship with you. You sound as if you pity him and also feel somewhat guilty for being away from him. The relationship that both of you share is one of co-dependency which is unhealthy for both. He ‘needs’ you and you have a ‘need to be needed’. This kind of parent-child relationship that both of you share will cause major problems later on unless both of you grow out of this co-dependency. In the mean time your friend needs to see a counsellor to help him live a more emotionally fulfilled life with or without you. You too need to examine what kind of pay-off you are getting in this relationship by playing the parent role. If you don’t introspect about yourself and increase the awareness of your motivations, you may land up in similar messy parent-child relationships over and over again. Whether you remain in this relationship or not, you need to change the dynamics from your side i.e. you need to be able to find fulfillment in emotionally ‘equal’ or ‘adult’ relating. See a counsellor if you need help with this. Remember ~ ‘Two people truly love each other only when they are capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other’.


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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
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