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Heart 2 Heart

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Frequency of Sex
Q: What is the correct and healthy frequency of sexual activity between couples?

A: The frequency of your sexual activity mainly depends on at which stage your relationship is, currently. When a person is just falling in love, the intimacy is at its peak, and so is the excitement. You just cannot get enough of each other! That is the passionate, mad phase, which is also called as “lust and limerance”. This phase lasts for the initial few months. Then it simmers down and one moves into ‘compassionate love’. It is not as exciting but more meaningful, tender, comfortable and fulfilling. That is the way it is going to be except that there will be some flashes of the old passion occasionally.
Couples who experience differences in their desire levels need to develop good communication skills so that they both feel free to express their feelings without hesitation and fear that they will be misunderstood or misinterpreted. Also you need to be open to the sexual cues of your partner, as well as being able to indicate “not today” without it being seen as a put-down, refusal or rejection.

Distasteful Demand

Q: I am a 25-year-old girl in love with a 28-year-old guy. I met him only few times and he asked me to share everything with him when we met for the fourth time. I didn't want to hurt him so I agreed. He kissed me all over but we did not have sex. He asks me to put his penis in my mouth and suck it. I found his demand distasteful. I also felt very uncomfortable doing that. Is it harmful to do so because I swallowed the semen on some occasions. Now I am saying no to all that and I think he doesn't need me anymore but otherwise he is a very good person. He says he wants to share everything with his girlfriend. What should I do? However hard I try I am not able to do that with him. Should I avoid him or should I live up to his expectations. Please help me. I am very much confused.

A: Intimacy should be shared with mutual consent and for mutual pleasure. If you are asked to engage in an act which is distasteful, you ‘must’ be assertive and ‘refuse’. If he cares for you he will understand and respect your wishes. But, if you feel that you are being ‘emotionally blackmailed’ and pressured, and if there is coercion of any kind, then you are in a ‘bad’ relationship. Get out of it, and soon. A person who does not care to respect you, is most definitely not for you.

By its very nature, oral sex (fellatio) is an unnatural act. Nature has not given us any neuroreceptors, capable of enjoying sexual contact, in our mouth. It is understandable if the male partner enjoys it, as his organ (penis) which is sensitive to sexual stimulation is involved in the act. However, for a female partner who does not have receptors sensitive to sexual stimulation in her oral cavity, it is natural to have no interest in this act. It needs to be remembered that the male sex organ is also his “excretory” organ. It is not very hygienic always and pleasant to have an excretory organ in the mouth.

Many books on sexology justify this act, however it is always mentioned in these books that such an activity is fine only when both the partners willingly consent to it, and when utmost hygiene is observed. It is their personal choice to indulge into any act they enjoy; however it cannot be justified if any such act is compelled by one partner on the other.


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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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