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Heart 2 Heart

Monday, October 17, 2011

Declining interest in sex
I’m a 54-year-old married man in good physical health and married happily for the last 28 years. I have a good sex drive and desire to have sex as often as I can with my wife who is 49 years old. However since the last few years, I find that my wife is not taking adequate interest in sex. After her menopause, she complains of dryness in her vagina, which makes it difficult to enjoy sex. Apart from this physical issue, I find that she doesn’t take any initiative in sex and avoids the same on some or the other pretext. As a result, we have sex only once in a fortnight whereas I desire sex at least twice a week.
Menopause is invariably wrongly blamed for declining interest in sex in women. The cause for lack of matching interest in sex in partners could be physical, psychological (emotional), situational or even out of a so-called religious (spiritual) belief. It is necessary to find out the cause of such sudden loss of interest in sex. Only after knowing the cause, therapy can be planned.

For your information a woman’s interest in sex depends on the following factors:
Satisfaction: The level and frequency of satisfaction that she has experienced in her sexual life. If sex has been a one-sided activity by the man without bothering much about the needs of the woman, then over a period of time, she may lose interest in sex.

Foreplay: If foreplay is not done correctly and adequately, female partners do not feel aroused enough to have intercourse. Many husbands are impatient and want to go for intercourse after a short and hurried foreplay. Such repeated experiences of unsatisfactory sex gradually make the woman lose interest.

Integration of Love and Sex: A woman operates through her heart. Her sex-life is not separate from the rest of her life. She sees everything in her life as inter-related. As against this, man tends to compartmentalise. He can mentally put aside stressful aspects of his life and separate it from sex. A woman needs good feelings and experiences during the day to have satisfying sex. How her husband treats her out of bed, greatly influences her response in bed. Inattentiveness, harsh language, a rude tone, hurting words, and criticism can make it difficult for a woman to get involved, to feel enthusiastic and to be passionate during sex. It is important for a couple to be loving even when they are not in the sex act. Sexuality and affection cannot be compartmentalised. Good sex is a continuum of affection and closeness during the day.

Lack of Love: This lack of love cannot be blamed on only one partner. Love happens between two sensitive human beings. Both of you need to deeply examine your relationship, either on your own or with the help of a good counsellor. Ask yourself what you can do to bring more depth into your relationship and make it more than sex ~ a sharing of intimacy.

It will be better if both of you speak freely on this subject with each other and try to understand each other.

Monogamy vs Polygamy
Why do women like to have physical relationship with more then one man? It puzzles me. Please explain.

You have generalised all women. It is not so in the case of all women. In fact, ‘one man woman’ describes most women. But yes, there are many exceptions, which is so in the case of men too. You will find men who are staunchly monogamous, and also men for whom polygamy is a way of life.

The difference lies in whether the woman/man is ‘heart-oriented’ or ‘body oriented’.  A heart-oriented person feels the need to have a heart-connection with one partner, with whom he/she grows in love. Such a connection pre-supposes sexual exclusivity as the heart-oriented person commits his/her self completely to growing together in one relationship.

On the other hand, the body-oriented person seeks a relationship merely for one’s own pleasure. And the thing about self-pleasure is that there is no satiation point. The more you have, the more you want.

We are all at different levels of evolution. The animal instinct or the auto-sexual urge keeps us  at the self-pleasuring level. But as we grow and evolve and live our higher human instincts, we find in us the capacity to extend beyond ourselves in love for the other. That is the human instinct or hetero-sexual urge which wants to give to someone other than yourself.

I hope this sufficiently answers your query.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre,
10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 23778624 / 22184528 / 9821093902 
Email: [email protected]

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Declining interest in sex
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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