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Heart 2 Heart

Monday, April 18, 2011

Performance anxiety
I am 24 and am getting married next month. I am worried about one thing – Will I be able to satisfy my wife? I am told that the first impression is the last impression.

You seem to be experiencing a classical ‘performance anxiety’ that many men experience before marriage.
Remember, it is not necessary to have sexual intercourse on the very first night. Sex is not the first and the only thing on a woman’s mind. A woman looks forward to first understand and love her husband before she is ready for sexual intercourse. The success of a marriage depends on love and understanding between partners and not on the first sexual performance.

Let her first impression of you be one of a gentle, caring and friendly person rather than one of an impatient and anxious partner.

Everyone experiences some level of ‘performance anxiety’ in the first few attempts. However, later on it diminishes. In the correct circumstances and in a relaxed environment, with an equally involved & responsive partner, you will be able to perform sexual intercourse. 

How ready are you to share a life together
I am a 20-year-old guy having a love affair with a 20-year-old girl. We know each other for past 5 years and know it well now that we want to be with each other throughout life. Now the problem is this that her parents want to get her married and they don’t know of our love affair yet. I am afraid of letting them know because it might turn them against us since hers is an orthodox family. I am currently into studies and will complete my studies after two years and I will get a job then. I have asked her to anyhow stop her marriage proposals for one year by when I will be 21. And we can go for court marriage if anything goes wrong. It is all chaos. She won’t agree to a court marriage. What do I do? I mean telling her parents is a big risk now cause I am not 21. And even if I become 21, I am not sure that she will go for court marriage because of the orthodox background. It seems to be all chaos. I mean what can a guy do if the girl he loves is from an orthodox family?

In your case you seem to have taken the entire responsibility of the girl’s parents on your shoulders. If she cares for you as deeply as you care for her, she will also play her part in convincing her parents of the intensity of your feelings for each other and put her foot down regarding other proposals. Both of you need to understand that marriage is a great responsibility and not a bed of roses.

The test of true love is its strength to face challenges, the first one being with her parents. Remember, if your decision to share a life together, upsets or disturbs them in any way, then it is their problem. It is not your responsibility to solve their disturbance. Both of you first of all need to understand that though it is good to have the blessings of family and friends; it is not an absolute ‘must’. What is a ‘must’ though, is maturity on the part of both of you to be able to shoulder the responsibility of marriage, physically, emotionally, financially and socially. So make sure that both of you are ready for it before tying the knot.
What is important is how willing and ready both of you are to share a life together, then whether it is a family priest or a court registrar, who does the honors should not really matter.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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