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Heart 2 Heart

Monday, November 22, 2010

Self-destructive Path
Q: I am a 31-year-old married man. I have a very good wife and cute daughter. I have a good friend from last 3 years. I am emotionally attached to her and she also knows it.  She has never showed any sexual interest in me.  Lately I am feeling an urge to have sex with her but fear to express it to her. What do I do?
A: You have got yourself into quite a fix haven’t you?
There are 3 levels of functioning in a person ~ the level of ‘experience’ , the level of ‘awareness of the experience’ and the level of ‘decision’. If you are experiencing attraction and are aware of what you are experiencing it is okay uptil that point. But when you nurse and nurture this attraction and also want to translate your fantasies into reality, I must say that you are walking on a “self-destructive path”.
If you need to look outside your marriage for fulfillment of your emotional needs and now physical needs too, then it is a sure indicator that there is a problem in the marriage, however much you may deny it. There could be something that you need and are not getting either because you have not expressed it, or else your wife is not willing to fulfill these needs. However at this point, I must specify that there is a difference between a ‘need’ and a ‘want’, which brings us to the other reason for looking outside your marriage, i.e. if your legitimate and valid ‘needs’ are being fulfilled, but your ‘wants’ and ‘desires’ are not being fulfilled. If so then you need to explore why you are driven to put your marriage at risk and perhaps even sacrifice the happiness of your family (good wife and cute daughter) at the altar of your desires. Very often such compulsive behavior has its roots in your past. For this your psycho-sexual history needs to be explored.
I would strongly recommend that you see a counsellor at your earliest, so that you can gain in clarity about yourself and the direction of your life. Do not make any decision without such clarity or else you may spend a lifetime regretting the choices that you have made.

Orgasm can lead to Bladder Spasms
Q: I am one of those women who do not get orgasm while having sexual intercourse but can get it only by masturbation. I masturbate, but after I achieve orgasm, I get painful bladder spasms - sometimes even hours later. Is masturbating causing this?
A: No matter how it is achieved, orgasm can lead to bladder spasms in some women. Orgasm produces contractions in many muscles throughout the body – particularly the uterus, the vagina and the bladder. When any muscle contraction is stronger and stays longer, it is experienced as a spasm.
Another possibility is that by masturbating, you may also be inadvertently introducing bacteria into your urinary bladder, causing bladder infection. Maintain good hygiene. Wash your hands before you masturbate to decrease this risk. The same process can also occur during intercourse, which can "push" vaginal bacteria into the urethral opening.
It is also possible that you may have a condition called ‘interstitial cystitis’ i.e. an inflammation of the bladder wall. However, if you have interstitial cystitis, it is unlikely that pain with orgasm would be the only symptom. If you also have pelvic pain, urinary urgency or burning, you need to be evaluated for this condition.

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Self-destructive Path
Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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