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Heart To Heart

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Unique purpose of your Life
My problem is that every time whenever there is any problem in the family, I get nervous and my mind starts to think upon the eternity of this world. It reflect me that if there is no human being then what will happen of after the death of man where all those things gone. On this matter I get very much confused. Pl. give me some tips about this. I will be thankful to you.

You are saying that extreme stress externally (problems in the family), precipitates an inner crisis in the form of repetitive thoughts about life, death, after-death etc. I would strongly advise you to see a psychotherapist who can help you by teaching you life-coping skills so that you can handle external problems in an effective manner. Also while seeing a psychotherapist, it would be a good idea for you to learn some relaxation techniques either through Yoga or any other breathing techniques.

By the way, the reality of death puts life into perspective. It provokes us to live the best life possible today. Through psychotherapy and relaxation techniques, you will be able to find the true purpose of your life. You are a unique person with unique gifts and have the ability to make a unique contribution to society. Once you are able to discover and start fulfilling this unique purpose of your life, you will find harmony and peace with yourself.

Reassurance of commitment
I am a 22-year-old married woman. My husband has a very dominating personality. However, he suffers from a constant ‘fear’ that I may become sexually interested in someone else. I have not given him any reason to have this fear. How do I help him and myself to get rid of this situation?

The domineering husband, who believes he owns his wife, does not want to lose her for anyone else. He constantly feels that her infidelity is just a matter of the right opportunity. Invariably, it is the wound of his own inadequacy that makes him suffer from this fear. The feeling of possessiveness, so much a part of the male mentality, and the jealousy which proceeds inevitably from this feeling, have been the cause of fear and endless suffering. It is necessary to change the perspective of this man. A wife who understands this and works silently to reassure him, has a better chance for a happy and lasting relationship than one who responds to his fear and jealousy with anger, aggression and exasperation.

In your case, you need to take active efforts in expressing your love and commitment towards him in a way that he understands, and feels secure in the relationship. If this doesn’t help, professional intervention by a counsellor will be necessary.

Is she just flirting?
We met over the net through chat and felt a strong bond of love between us. After some months of sharing our words, we declared our love growing for one another; we hadn't seen each other by then. From one year she is not responding properly (she went to a hostel then) but before that she used to write daily. When she goes home, she calls me but still I feel like I do not know much about what was her life during last one year. I went to see her twice this year and her reactions were very loving. She lives very far, I know, we had been together for five days each time, but after I return, her behaviour is again the same.
Is she just flirting me or having some other guy in her life and things like that. She is never there on time and when I need her and she knows it. The only excuse with her is that she was busy. She also left for Bangalore a few days back when she was free, but kept up with her friends (males) more and would wait for them but when it would come to me, she was busy again all the time. Had she fallen out of love or was she just playing with me?

I don’t feel like she is a girl of that kind but is it possible for a girl to get undressed in front of the guy she is just flirting? Or am I getting too suspicious about her? I had tried many a times to get the stuff out of her or her friends, but nothing comes in return. It’s just me who is keeping up with the relation these days. She comes online too, but no mails or messages whereas she always has from me. What should I do? First, she said she will come to north to talk in a better way as I cannot go to south again, but she took an excuse to it the very last day saying her mother is accompanying her to hostel, which actually did not happened as she herself said later on, and when I asked her to come again, she said her mother said she will come the following week...

Long distance relationships very rarely work out. Life is so dynamic and both of you are living in two completely different worlds. From what you are saying it seems that though she has feelings for you, she is not ready to have an absolutely ‘committed relationship’ right now. Also she seems to want her ‘space’ to live a life beyond just you and her. If you come across as being too possessive about her or too demanding of her time, it may cramp her style and she may start avoiding you. You seem to have invested too much emotionally in this girl. I would advise you to have a social life of your own and also to take up some creative activity. This will give you a sense of fulfillment, which is important to cope with the highs and lows of life. As for this girl, give her ‘space’ and take some ‘time out’ for yourself, so that you can both assess whether there can really be something meaningful and lasting between both of you.

I rarely get an urge!
I have been married for four years and don’t know if I am totally satisfied with sex. I very rarely get an urge to have sex and only when my husband wants to have sex, that’s when we have sex. Is it normal? Please let me know if there could be any reason behind it.

It is possible that due to inadequate or improper foreplay, you are not fully aroused before sex, and therefore do not experience complete satisfaction in your sexual encounters. When this repeatedly happens, you very naturally lose interest in sex and stop looking forward to it. There could also be an emotional component to your disinterest. If your emotional relationship with your husband is not satisfactory, you may not feel interested in sharing intimacy with him.

I strongly advise both you and your husband to see a good sex counsellor who can educate both of you on the necessity of prolonged and satisfying foreplay, and make your husband aware of the needs of a woman. Along with this, if there is an emotional cause to your disinterest, then see a counsellor immediately to clarify matters and get to the root of the problem.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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