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Heart To Heart

Tuesday, March 05, 2019

Pain after hysterectomy
I have enjoyed sex for 14 years. But in 1989 my wife underwent hysterectomy operation after which we cannot enjoy sex. Because if my penis penetrates even one inch she gets unbearable pain. We have also shown to a gynaecologist who had given her hormone tablets (premarin) and some gel to be applied (KY jelly). The tablets were taken for nearly 4 years but all in vain nothing happened. Till date she gets unbearable pain and so we do not enjoy sex. My penis cannot penetrate even one inch. Under the above circumstances I would request you to give us some advice so that both of us can enjoy sex.

There are several possible causes of such a pain during penetration. She may not be adequately lubricated or wet, her pelvic muscles may be too tight or constricted, or then she might have an injury or an infection involving her vulva or vagina. This pain may or may not have anything to do with the hysterectomy surgery. I strongly recommend that until you find the cause of this pain you do not have intercourse again. If you continue to have intercourse in spite of pain, things will only get worse. What is a superficial physical problem will then become a deeper psychological one. Pain is like an alarm, which alerts you to investigating into the cause of the problem. She definitely needs to see a gynaecologist for a thorough physical examination.

Follow your conscience
I have been involved in a relationship with a girl who loves me more than anything in the world and I misuse the position that I enjoy by having sex with her, which she enjoys too... I don’t really feel anything for her except for the sexual bit! What do I do? Get out of this or carry on with this?

Your conscience is quite loud and clear when you say that you ‘misuse’ your place in her heart. Now all that remains is for you to follow your conscience. Translated in practical terms, that means being totally honest with her about your feelings. However painful it may be for you to admit this to her and even more painful for her to hear this, it is better to confront the truth once and for all. Leading her on will only make matters worse for her, and moreover, could you live with your conscience while continuing to mislead her? Let the illusions be broken as soon as possible so that the healing can begin.

‘Emotional Closure’ with your wife
I am Indian male 30 plus handsome cute lovely and smart. I was married have one child but my wife has left me one year ago she does not want to talk to me nor have any relations or stay with me. Tell me what to do she even does not divorce me.... always tell me to do so...I have to my state of mind did not ever hurt her any way but somehow she wants to stay away from me. Tell me what to do? Should I go for second girl who is quiet understanding and emotional and also understands my needs? After the birth of the child which is healthy enough she has no interest in me physically I need love and to love someone be in love and cherish in it I work hard enough to earn but feel lonely at times when left alone specially evenings, pls advice soon...

It is important to know the reasons why your wife has separated from you, in order to know whether a reconciliation is possible or not. However, there will have to be a counsellor’s intervention so that the reasonable needs of both partners are taken into consideration before deciding. If the reasons given by her are valid and if her reasonable needs are not being satisfied by you in the relationship, and if you do not even admit it or do not want to do anything about it from your side, then a divorce is inevitable. In that case you need to get into personal counselling to understand yourself better before getting into another relationship. This is extremely important or else you may land up in a similar position again. It is also possible that your wife has her own issues which have nothing to do with you. In that case, if she is not willing to admit and work on her own issues, a divorce is again inevitable. In either case, it would be worthwhile seeing a counsellor to discuss the issue at length. This will help you  gain in insight about yourself and about what kind of stimulus you put forth in your relationships. This will enable you to remove any contaminants that you may be bringing to the relationship and learn to contribute more positively in any relationship. You will also be able to have an ‘emotional closure’ with your wife and move on in your life on a healthy note.

Sex addiction
I am 25 years old. Please help me out. I am extremely frustrated and not at all able to concentrate on my work because of my problem. Sometimes I even feel like doing suicide. I had tried doing sex with 3 different females but failed. I simply am not able to get an erection. All the 3 girls left me because of this problem. Why is it so? Is it because I masturbated a lot, at not one time a day and sometimes 3-4 times. I do have this habit of watching porn. During the early years, I watched porn almost daily and masturbate, sometimes without sleeping at night. Is everything normal with me?

Your extreme frustration and thoughts of suicide are serious signs that require urgent medical attention. Do consult a psychiatrist at your earliest. Masturbation per se does not affect sexual capability of a person, however the “obsession” of masturbation can affect your body-mind in many ways. You have admitted your addiction to pornography and being obsessive about masturbation. This behavior falls under the category of “sex addiction” which definitely can lead to sexual dysfunctions. Once you are settled with the acute nature of your frustration and suicidal thoughts, do consult a sex counsellor to get some help for your sex addiction.

Performance anxiety
I am 25 yrs old boy. I am getting married after 3 months. But due to masturbation from last 4 years I became too weak for sexual intercourse. I am very afraid whether I will be able to penetrate my wife’s vagina or not. Can you please help me in this regard?

Masturbation does not affect your sexual power or erectile ability. It is a harmless activity. Most boys discover masturbation in their teens and practice it frequently. It has no ill effects on one’s health or sexuality. You seem to be experiencing a classical “performance anxiety” that many men experience before marriage. Everyone experiences some level of performance anxiety in the first few attempts of intercourse. However later on it diminishes. In the correct circumstances and in a relaxed environment, with an equally involved & responsive partner, you will be able to perform sexual intercourse. Do visit a ‘pre-marital counselling centre’ before getting married for sex education and complete clarity on this subject.

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Dr. Rajan B. Bhonsle, M.D. (Bom)
Consulting Sex Therapist & Counsellor
Dr. (Mrs.) Minnu R. Bhonsle, Ph.D.
Consulting Psychotherapist & Counsellor
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