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Heart To Heart

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Is it possible to love two persons
I am in a fix. I have been happily married for 4 years now. However, I have not married my first love. I could not marry my first love as at that time I had lost faith that he loved me. Now call it fate, I met him again accidentally. He says he still loves me. He stays in a different town. Lately, I have started missing him, thinking about him and even fantasizing about him. Not that I do not love my husband. I have feelings for my husband too. Is it possible to love two persons at the same time? Should I be in touch with by boy friend through telephone or Emails just as a friend?  I am perplexed. Help me.

You say that you had felt that your first love did not love you and therefore you broke up. Well, the affair ended there but probably your self-image could not take it. Your current feelings for your first love are nothing but a need to massage your injured pride. You want to feel that he cares for YOU. You need to re-define the meaning of love in order to live a meaningful life. True love is thinking of what you can give to your beloved. “It is in giving that you receive.” You say that you are happily married, so we presume that your physical and emotional needs are fulfilled in this relationship. In that case you seem to be taking your husband’s love for granted and are thinking only of yourself and what you want. Don’t you think that’s a wee bit selfish? As far as keeping in touch with your old flame is concerned we do not think it is a very good idea. You would be lying to yourself if you said that it is only for friendship. Try giving in love instead of receiving and you will find great joy and fulfillment in your married life. In case you are still unable to resolve your feelings and find clarity in your life, we would strongly suggest that you see a psychotherapist.

It Hurts during Intercourse!
I am 23-year-old woman. Why does it hurt when I have normal sexual intercourse? I am not a virgin. I have had sex many times before but it hurts each time I do.
There are several possible causes for this pain. Your pelvic muscles may be extra tight (constricted), you may not be adequately aroused and lubricated at your vagina, your hymen may still be partially intact, or then you might have an injury or an infection involving your vulva and/or vagina.

We strongly recommend that you do not have intercourse again until the cause of this pain is found. If you continue to have intercourse in spite of pain, things may only get worse for you. What is a physical problem presently can become a psychological one. Pain is like an alarm, which alerts you to investigating into the cause of the problem. Do not abuse your body.
You may need to see a gynaecologist for a physical examination. Do not allow any doctor to dismiss the pain. Remember, it is not just in your head, nor will it just get better on its own!

Some assertiveness training
One of my colleagues keeps borrowing money from me and does not return it. The problem is she doesn’t ask for huge amounts but for small sums like Rs 100 or Rs 50 or sometimes even Rs 10. The problem is she keeps borrowing from me every other day. Now, I don’t want to give her any more money but don’t know how to refuse her without spoiling relations at work.

What you need is some assertiveness training. You need to communicate to your friend in no uncertain terms about how you feel about the issue without making it sound accusatory e.g. You could say, ‘I feel troubled with your borrowing money periodically without returning it on your own. It is likely that it might be slipping your mind, however, it creates an uncomfortable situation if I have to keep an account of it and ask for it. I would prefer it if money did not enter our equation as colleagues, so that out relationship can be a more relaxed and comfortable one for both of us.’ This communication is an effective yet non-hurtful way of putting forth your valid concern. In case, she takes offence to a constructive communication such as this, it would only demonstrate that she is unwilling to mend her ways, and yet wants to get away with being inconsiderate and insensitive to your feelings about the same. If she does in fact pout or throw an adult tantrum, tell yourself, ‘good riddance’, and go on with life, patting yourself on your back for learning assertiveness.

Can’t Feel Pleasure during Intercourse
I recently got married. We have started engaging in sexual intercourse, however I do not seem to enjoy it much. I do not “feel” much pleasure during intercourse. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a freak?

This is a question we frequently receive from newly married young women! You are not alone, and no… there is nothing unusually wrong with you!
Given the significance of engaging in peno-vaginal intercourse, and the manner in which it is depicted in movies, many young and old couples have quite an unrealistic expectation of it. Many young men and women expect it to be this wild and wonderful experience that includes explosion of intense pleasure. Many young women are understandably confused and puzzled when they try it a few times and do not find it as delightful and fascinating for them as they expected. They continue doing it because they believe the expected experience must be right around the corner, if only they keep trying. They have these unrealistic expectations that are never met. Everyone else is supposedly enjoying it so that must indicate there is something wrong with her if she does not. This is basically not true!

Women often enjoy sexual intercourse only after developing a closer emotional bond with their partner. They also need to be more relaxed and engage actively in a prolonged and mutually pleasurable foreplay. May be, you need to explore different ways of foreplay and communicate to your husband about what pleasures you. We suggest you engage in a longer foreplay in a relaxed state of mind and get actively involved and be fully participative while making love. With a satisfying and extended foreplay, it might be easier for you to enjoy intercourse. Moreover, adopting the woman-on-top position also increases your chances of experiencing more pleasure and even an orgasm.

Heart To Heart Counselling Centre runs Certificate courses in Counselling & Sex Education at 10 Jerbai Baug, Byculla (E), Mumbai-27.
Tel: 23755866 / 9821093902.

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