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Heart To Heart

Tuesday, January 08, 2019

Sharing the responsibility of relationship
I am a 20-year-old guy having a love affair with a 20-year-old girl. We know each other for past 5 years and know it well now that we want to be with each other throughout the life. Now the problem is this that her parents want to get her married and they don't know of our love affair yet. I am afraid of letting them know about our affair cause it might make them against us cause hers is an orthodox family. I am currently into studies and I will complete my studies after 2 years and I will get a job then. I have asked her to anyhow stop her marriage proposals for 1 year and then I will be 21. And we can go for court marriage if anything goes wrong. It is all chaos. She won't agree for a court marriage. What do I do? I mean telling her parents is a big risk now cause I am not 21. And even if I become 21 I am not sure that she will go for court marriage cause she is from an orthodox family. It seems to be all chaos. I mean what can a guy do if the girl he loves is from an orthodox family? Please suggest

In your case you seem to have taken the entire responsibility of the girl’s parents on your shoulders. If she cares for you as deeply as you care for her, she will also play her part in convincing her parents of the intensity of your feelings for each other and put her foot down regarding other proposals. Both of you need to understand that marriage is a great responsibility and not a bed of roses. The test of true love is its strength to face challenges, the first one being with her parents. Remember, if your decision to share a life together, upsets or disturbs them in any way, then it is their problem. It is not your responsibility to solve their disturbance. Both of you first of all need to understand that though it is good to have the blessings of family and friends, it is not an absolute ‘must’. What is a ‘must’ though, is maturity on the part of both of you to be able to shoulder the responsibility of marriage, physically, emotionally, financially and socially. So make sure that both of you are ready for it before tying the knot. What is important is how willing and ready both of you are to share a life together, then whether it is a family priest or a court registrar, who does the honors should not really matter.

Sex after hysterectomy
I am 35. I have been advised a hysterectomy (removal of uterus) as I have multiple fibroids in my uterus. We have completed our family. However, I am afraid that it will affect our sex life. Will I be able to enjoy sex and reach to my climax without having a uterus?

The uterus has no role to play in the sexual act. It does not have neuroreceptors sensitive to sexual stimuli. Therefore removal of the uterus will not hamper your sexual pleasure. During the sexual act, it is the clitoris and the outer 1/3rd of the vagina that can perceive pleasurable sexual stimuli, and they remain untouched in a Hysterectomy operation.

I would like to add that the removal of the uterus also does not hamper the pleasure of the male partner, as the length and width of vagina remains unaffected. The ovaries are not removed in most of the hysterectomy operations. In your case they will not be removed. It is the hormones secreted in the ovaries that determine your feminine qualities and instincts. Therefore you will have a perfectly normal sex life after this operation.

She evades intimacy!
I am 27 and my wife is 25. We are married for two years. I have this puzzle - How can I change a wife who always finds excuses to evade sex on the pretext of being busy?

It is important to understand why she needs to evade sex. Is it because she has been left unsatisfied or has had painful experiences of the sexual act with you? Is it because of fear of pregnancy? Is it because she disapproves of the kind of sexual behavior you demand? Is it because she considers the sexual act as sinful, dirty etc.? Is it because she has been a victim of sexual abuse? Is it because she has unresolved emotional issues with you and so cannot give in to intimacy without resolving them? Is she unwell? Is she overworked and too busy with the home and children? Is she involved with someone else? Does she have lesbian tendencies? All this needs to be explored with your wife. I suggest that both of you have a session with a good sex counsellor to reach to the bottom of the matter.

Long distance relationship
I am a 26 year old girl studying abroad. I fell in love with my bf 3 years ago.  But  was long distance love. But I knew him as a friend even before I came abroad. In all I have spent some 10 months with him in the same city. We both love each other a lot. We even broke up in-between due to some problems but then made it up. He is extremely emotional and misses me a lot. He is doing PhD in India and I am also doing PhD abroad. Last time I met him (8 months back) he asked me not to keep any contact with him since keeping in touch makes him miss me even more. Actually he lost his mother when he was 7 and after that I am the only person from whom he has received so much love and for whom he feels so deeply.I do call him up once in 2 months or so. My PhD will last another 2 years I have a feeling that he resents the fact that I chose to do PhD abroad and did not stay in the same city as him and do some job instead. But doing a PhD was one of my dreams in life. Because of this sometimes He says that he has no ambition in life and that he will never get a good job etc etc( pessimistic things). He never talks of our future life together. I am just very restless about him. Once before he almost had a very bad depression because he missed me so much (after we broke up) I love him a lot. But I don't know what to do.

Your boyfriend seems to be facing a childhood emotional deprivation and needs to heal himself of it, or else it will keep on corrupting his current relationships, which is already so in his relationship with you. You sound as if you pity him and also feel somewhat guilty for being away from him. The relationship that both of you share is one of co-dependency which is unhealthy for both. He ‘needs’ you and you have a ‘need to be needed’. This kind of parent-child relationship that both of you share will cause major problems later on unless both of you grow out of this co-dependency. In the mean time your friend needs to see a counsellor to help him live a more emotionally fulfilled life with or without you. You too need to examine what kind of pay-off you are getting in this relationship by playing the parent role. If you don’t introspect about yourself and increase the awareness of your motivations, you may land up in similar messy parent-child relationships over and over again. Whether you remain in this relationship or not, you need to change the dynamics from your side i.e. you need to be able to find fulfillment in emotionally ‘equal’ or ‘adult’ relating. See a counsellor if you need help with this.

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